5 Habits That Will Save Your Marriage

 by Daniel Colston - Used by permission

 http://www.danielcolston.com/?p=329

 

 

1. Communicate Well.

Your partner doesn’t know what you don’t tell them. 

Please just do yourself a huge favor and be honest 

with them about what’s going on in your life. You 

have to open up to your partner or they won’t be 

able to get to know you. Share with them what you 

think about, what your dreams are, and 

constructive feedback about them. Be known 

by your spouse! Overcommunicate, dialogue, 

engage, and laugh, but don’t stop there.

A lot of people have no problem articulating their 

feelings, but they’re still horrible communicators because 

that’s only half the process of communication. And 

the other half is just as important! It’s listening. And 

it’s implied in listening that you’re also understanding. 

AT LEAST 20% of quarrels could be totally avoided by

simply listening to and understanding your partner. 

Please do your spouse and everyone else around you 

a huge favor by actually listening when they are talking.
Don’t interrupt, jump to conclusions, or think about 

what you’re going to say while they’re talking. Just 

listen. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache, and 

grow your professional skills as well.

2. Love Your Spouse More Than You Love Yourself.

As humans we’re all egotistical self-loving manipulators. 

It doesn’t work too well when you put two of those things

together in the same cage, for life. But that’s what we call

marriage. And the only way it works is when both
egotistical self-loving manipulators consciously battle 

the selfishness within them. Over time this creates 

two well-adjusted  human beings who have learned 

the art of compromise and humility. Loving your 

spouse more than you do yourself is excellent 

because it allows your spouse to love you more 

than they love themselves! What could possibly 

 be better than someone who cares about you 

more than you do yourself?

3. Stop Expecting So Much.

You need to remember that your spouse is just as human 

as you are. No matter how sexy she was when you were

dating, she is not a goddess and she will not look that 

way forever. No matter how good he was at wooing 

you, he will sometimes smell, burp, a wear clothes 

that don’t match. If you expect too much from your 

spouse then you end up placing a burden on them 

that they cannot carry. You end up unsatisfied and 

they end up crushed with feelings of failure.

4. Forgive.

You are more intimate with your spouse than anyone

else which means you are also more vulnerable to 

them than anyone else. When they hurt you it can 

feel more damaging than hurt from others because 

they are so close to you. The tendency is to hold it 

against them, get bitter about it, and use it for 

leverage in the next argument. You try  to mete 

out just punishment on them by quietly distancing
yourself, making cutting remarks, and withholding
affection. This is so damaging to your relationship.

Your love given and reciprocated tanks will be empty.

You go from “in love” to “indifferent” to “spiteful.”
The only way to free yourself from this is to forgive
and then do your best to forget.

5. Value Them More Than Anyone Else.

If you consider anyone a better “best friend” than your
spouse then you’re in dangerous territory. No one, not 

even your kids, should take relational precedence 

over your spouse. Your wife is more important 

than your golf buds. Your husband should be more
important to you than your parents. This means that 

the opinions, values, and plans of your spouse are 

more important to you than anyone else’s.

Reduce Your Problems by up to 50% by Releasing the Past

by Dr. Dave Peterson, LPC
http://drdavepeterson.com/
Used by permission

We could effectively reduce the number of problems experienced in life by up to one third if we released our past. If we release the past with forgiveness, accepting forgiveness, trusting, and reconciling, only when it is warranted, and learn from ours and others’ mistakes so that we don’t repeat them in the present, then we might reduce our present problems by fifty percent. Would your life be better if problems were reduced by up to fifty percent and all you needed to deal with were present and future problems.

Many prefer not to release the embarrassments, failures, hurts, sins, and traumatic events of their past. Some fear to release the past thinking it would create more problems. The past might create more problems if not released safely. Others would release the past if they knew how to do so safely. There are those who deal with their past and live for today with hope for tomorrow. Would you like to join these?

Some events in the past may be hard to release because they have all the elements of embarrassment, failure, hurt, sin, and trauma  in them. As I have counseled for over 35 years I have found that most people have some blight in their past. Past events may be a growth and maturing element, or they may be your secret to cover up. Covering a secret can use energy, time, and money.

Someone put the past in perspective well when they said, “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.” Attention, energy, resources and time are better spent on today and tomorrow.

I made a list of things I learned through an experience in my past about myself, others, and God. My list had 143 observations to apply in my life. This was a crash educational experience that has served me and others well as I have counseled over the years.

Releasing the past has freed me from many problems and allowed me to help others.

Question: Would you agree the past can be a character builder, rather than destroyer?
 Is it an overstatement to say we could reduce our problems by up to fifty percent by releasing the past and not repeating it?
Source: 2 Corinthians 5:17, 18

New King James Version (NKJV)
17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new.
18 Now all things are of God, who has reconsiled us to Himself through Jesus Christ, and has given us the ministry of reconciliation,

Treat Your Spouse at Least as Well as You Treat People at Church or Work

by Dr. Dave Peterson, LPC

http://drdavepeterson.com - Used by permission

A person in marital counseling was beginning to understand when they said, “I get it, what you are saying is that I should treat my spouse at least as well as I treat the people at work, or church.” At least this was a good start.

Think about how you treat people OUTSIDE the home. You greet them, “Good morning,” not “Murmur, mutter.” You say, “Please” and “Thank you,” not, “Give me that.” You call people by name, “Charles,” not “Hey you.” You use “Yes, Sir” and “Ma’am,” not “Yup, okay.” You converse with others, rather than give them the silent treatment. You may reply to, “When do you need this done?” with, “I needed it yesterday, but when do you think you can get it done?” You don’t yell across the room, you walk over to people and speak with a gentle and quiet voice. Differences are dealt with privately, not in front of an audience. You take every opportunity to encourage others in their work. You listen without interruption. You suggest solutions to problems and discuss them.

You do this every day at work, why not at home? These twelve little courtesies raise the probability you will keep your job. Maybe these ways would keep your marriage strong and your children from rebelling.

Some say, “Yes, but that is work. Home should be where you relax, let your guard down, be yourself.” I’d like to tell you that I never let my guard down, but I will also tell you it doesn’t go well when I do. When I do practice these twelve simple courtesies I find I do relax at home, I find pleasure being there.

Practice these courtesies for thirty days at home and they will become as natural there as they are at work. See if it doesn’t make a great difference in your home life.

Question: Have you faced a moment recently where lack of basic courtesy was easier than taking the high road? How did you convince yourself to take the high road and see it through? What was the result? Please  leave a comment.

Source: Ephesians 5:21-33

New King James Version (NKJV)

²¹ submitting to one another in the fear of God.
²² Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. ²⁴ Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, ²⁶ that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, ²⁷ that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ²⁸ So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. ³⁰ For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. ³¹ “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” ³² This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. ³³ Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband (without uttering a word)

by Jennifer Flanders - http://lovinglifeathome.com/2012/08/06/25-ways-to-communicate-respect/

Used by permission

Actions speak louder than words. You can say you respect your husband, but he’ll have a hard time believing that unless your behavior backs it up.

 

What does respectful living look like? Here are 25 ways you can communicate respect to your spouse without uttering a word. If you’ll make it your habit to do these things, the next time you tell your husband how much you respect him, he won’t have to wonder if you really mean it.  Read More.

Marriage Evaluation

Introduction by Julie Druck of York, Pennsylvania

Author of a wonderful e-mail newsletter, "A Heart for Home"- aheartforhome-subscribe@welovegod.org

To view Julie's blog, visit:  www.lifeinskunkhollow.blogspot.com

Used by permission

Several years ago, Marty and I attended a Sweetheart Banquet at our church.  After dinner a guest minister gave a short message on marriage.  He concluded his time by passing out an evaluation sheet that contained questions to answer relating to our marriage relationship.  The minister encouraged the audience to take the evaluations home and spend some time thoughtfully and honestly answering the questions individually.  He then suggested exchanging papers with your spouse and discussing whether you agreed or disagreed with the other’s answers.  The vulnerability such an exercise creates can be uncomfortable, but I found the benefits of the discussion Marty and I had made it worth it!  In case you’d like to evaluate yourself, below you’ll find the questions for wives to answer.  Actually, I’ve found it helpful to go over this list every so often to be encouraged by areas of growth and convicted in areas of slack. 

 

1.) Commitment (Matt. 19:5,6) - A.) Am I committed to stay married, regardless of my feelings or any other circumstances, until we are separated by death?;  B.) Does my husband know that I will never divorce him for any reason?; C.) Next to my relationship with God, is my relationship with my husband the highest priority of my life?; D.) Do I pray faithfully for my husband?

 

2.) Serving (Gal. 5:13) – A. Do I put my husband’s needs and desires ahead of my own?; B.) Do I look for creative ways to please my husband?; C.) Am I content to serve, even when my husband doesn’t seem to notice or appreciate my efforts?

 

3.) Yielding Rights (Phil. 2:5-8) – A. Have I yielded all my expectations concerning my husband to God?; B.) Do I trust God alone to meet all of my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs?; C.) Have I yielded to God my “right” to my own time and independence?

 

4.) Submission (Eph. 5:22-24) – A.) Do I willingly yield to my husband’s authority in all things?; B.) Do I communicate an attitude of submission, as well as submissive actions?; C.) Do I seek my husband’s counsel, rather than acting independently?; D.) Am I teaching our children, by my example and words, to honor and obey their father?

 

5.) Forgiveness (Col. 3:13) – A.) Do I seek to resolve each conflict or misunderstanding as soon as possible?; B.) Am I quick to forgive my husband for his failures, offenses, or insensitivities?; C.) Do I refuse to bring up the past or to hold past failures against my husband?

 

6.) Humility (Phil. 2:3) – A.) Am I quick to admit when I am wrong?; B.) Am I content to not have the last word?: C.) Am I willing to relinquish my “right” to be understood or to prove my point?

 

7.) Patience (I Cor. 13:4) – A. Do I respond graciously to interruptions and irritations?; B.) Am I willing to overlook obvious imperfections in my husband?

 

8.) Sensitivity (Tit. 2:5) – A. Am I sensitive to my husband’s occasional desire to be alone or undisturbed?; B.) Am I sensitive to the best times to tell my husband negative news or to offer suggestions or constructive criticism?

 

9.) Purity (Eph. 5:3-4) – A. Do I keep my mind free from books, magazines, or entertainment that could stimulate fantasizing or thoughts that are not morally pure?; B.) Do I dress modestly, drawing attention to the inner life of Christ, rather than to my physical appearance?

 

10.) Communication (Eph. 4:25,29) – A.) Do I always tell my husband the truth?; B.) Do I avoid sarcasm, hurtful remarks, and public criticism of my husband?; C.) Do I speak words of encouragement and admiration to my husband?; D.) Do I discipline myself not to interrupt or contradict when my husband is talking?

 

11.) Kindness (Eph. 4:32) – A.) Do I treat my husband as graciously as I would a guest?; B.) Do I go out of my way to perform special acts of kindness for my husband?

 

12.) Gratitude (Prov. 31:26) – A.) Do I regularly express appreciation for the sacrifices my husband makes to provide for our family?; B.) Do I praise my husband for spiritual, Christ-like qualities in his life?

 

13.) Loyalty (I Cor. 13:7) – A.) Do I speak positively about my husband to others?; B.) Do I focus on my husband’s successes and positive traits, rather than his weaknesses and failures?; C.) Do I hold in confidence personal matters that my husband shares with me?

 

14.) Acceptance (Rom. 15:7) – A.) Do I love, accept, and admire my husband as he is?; B.) Does my husband feel that he has the freedom to fail, without fear of criticism or rejection?

 

15.) Availability (I Cor. 7:3-5) – A.) Am I willing to adjust my schedule to meet my husband’s desires?; B.) Am I willing to offer physical love to my husband, regardless of my personal feelings or desires?

Five Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Married

by Dave Boehi - October 19, 2009 

Used by permission from Family Life

I've been thinking a lot lately about what couples should know before they get married. For one thing, I've been making some updates and revisions on FamilyLife's Preparing for Marriage workbook, which is used by thousands of pastors and counselors around the country each year for premarriage counseling. In addition, my younger daughter, Missy, was recently married. As a parent you think of all the things you should tell a child before marriage, and nothing ever seems to be enough.

When Merry and I were preparing to be married, we went through counseling and got a lot of good advice. But there are some important things that we did not fully understand. So if I were talking with a premarried couple, here's what I'd tell them about the "Five Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Was Married."

#1: Marriage is not all about you. It's not about your happiness and self-fulfillment. It's not about getting your needs met. It's about going through life together and serving God together and serving each other. It's about establishing a family. It's about committing your lives to each other even though you may be very different in 10, 20, or 40 years from the people you are now.
#2: You are about to learn a painful lesson--you are both very selfish people. This may be difficult to comprehend during the happy and hazy days of courtship, but it's true, and it shocks many couples during their first years of marriage. It's important to know this revelation of selfishness is coming, because then you can make adjustments for it, and you will be a lot better off.
#3: The person you love the most is also the person who can hurt you the deepest. That's the risk and pain of marriage. And the beauty of marriage is working through your hurt and pain and resolving your conflicts and solving your problems.
#4: You can't make it work on your own. It's obvious that marriage is difficult--just look at how many couples today end in divorce. This is why it's so critical to center your lives and your marriage on the God who created marriage. To make your marriage last for a lifetime, you need to rely on God for the power and love and strength and wisdom and endurance you need. 

#5: Never stop enjoying each other. Always remember that marriage is an incredible gift to be enjoyed. Ecclesiastes 9:9 says, "Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored under the sun."
 

Enjoy the little things of life with your spouse: the food you enjoy together at home or in restaurants ... the movies you like ... the little inside jokes nobody else understands except for you ... the times you make each other laugh ... the games you play together.
And focus on making memories together: Plan special dates and weekend getaways. Make sure you reserve time for each other after you have kids. When you are old, you won't look back and remember how great it was to buy that new furniture or watch that great show on television. You're going to remember what you did together and saw together and created together.

How about you? If you were talking to an engaged couple about what you wish you'd known before marriage, what would you say? Write me and I'll put your answers in a future Marriage Memo.

If you'd like to take a weekend getaway with your spouse, here are two suggestions. First, attend a Weekend to Remember conference. It could be the best investment you make in your marriage and family. Second, check out Bill and Carolyn Wellons' book, Getting Away to Get it Together. It will show you how to reconnect with your spouse and re-energize your partnership.

Marriage Memo archives

Looking for Mr. Right

by Dave Boehi - © 2008 - www.familylife.com - Used by permission from Family Life Today

(Note from Lois: Many subscribers are single or have children who are at the age where they are hoping to marry in the future.  This article may help you as Christian parents, to guide your children in realizing some of the most important characteristics to look for in a husband or wife.  Dad and/or Mom may want to create a special occasion such as a dinner date with your daughter or son, to talk about these important things - the earlier in their teen years, the better.  This important topic of attributes to possess as well as look for in a mate can also be brought up in your day to day lives as the opportunity arises.  Then before leaving for college, a refresher course would be a good idea.  Another powerful factor is praying for each of your children and their future mate every day.  And now on with the article!)

I visit a lot of different websites each week, searching for interesting articles or for story ideas.  The New York Times website is one of my favorites, and while there I always look at a little box that lists the "most emailed stories" of the day. 

If one article keeps showing up on this list day after day, you know it has attracted an unusual amount of interest.  And this was the case recently with an article titled "An Ideal Husband," by columnist Maureen Dowd.  It stayed on the "most emailed" list for about a week, which means that somehow the column struck a chord with many readers.

It's a simple article, actually.  It raises the question: How do you know if you've found someone who would make a good husband?  Dowd then introduces Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest who "has spent his celibate life -- including nine years as a missionary in India -- mulling connubial bliss. His decades of marriage counseling led him to distill some 'mostly common sense' advice about how to dodge mates who would maul your happiness."

Connor's advice is the type of practical wisdom you don't normally find in the New York Times.  (Perhaps that is one reason the article was so popular!)

For example:

• "Never marry a man who has no friends.  This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands."
• "Does he use money responsibly?"
• "Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It's good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband."
• "Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins."
• "Don't marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He's a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he'll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so."
• "Take a good, unsentimental look at his family -- you'll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women."
• "Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being -- the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?"
  

What would be on your list of attributes for a prospective husband--or wife?  What would you say to a friend or child who asked, "What should I look for?"

I like Connor's advice, but I would add some questions about spiritual compatibility.  To me, a couple's spiritual foundation is the key factor for making a marriage work.

The first question is, "Are both of you Christians?"  As the apostle Paul writes in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15, "Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership has righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?  Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?"

Let me quote from Preparing for Marriage, a premarriage manual I edited and co-wrote with three colleagues here at FamilyLife:

This passage makes it clear that a Christian should only marry another Christian.  Marriage is not a man-made institution.  God created it.  Its fullest enjoyment and expression can only be found in two people who have a relationship with Him.
When Christians fail to obey God in this critical area, they experience a growing frustration after marriage:

• They are unable to discuss the most precious, intimate part of their lives with their mates.
• They have conflicting goals and expectations.
• They clash over the values they teach their children.
• They have differing circles of friends.
• They have difficulty communicating and resolving conflict.
  

A second question is, "Do you both share the same commitment to spiritual growth and to serving God?"  My observation is that many Christians avoid this second question; they know they need to marry another believer, but they allow infatuation, loneliness, or weariness of singlehood to cloud their minds about deeper spiritual compatibility.   Quoting again from Preparing for Marriage:

1 John 2:15 tells us, "Do not love the world, nor the things in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him."  You may both have received Christ, but if one of you is more focused on loving the world rather than loving God, you will experience many of the same conflicts as a believer and non-believer.  Your goals and values will differ.  Your lives will head in different directions. ...
To evaluate this area of your spiritual compatibility, begin by asking yourself questions such as:

• Do both of us share the same desire to know and please God?
• Do I have any sense that one of us is putting on a facade of spiritual commitment?
• Do our actions back up our words?
• Do we both consistently display a desire to obey God in all things?
• What priority does each of us place on ministering to other people?
• Are we both willing to follow God's direction?

When you are truly spiritually compatible, and are walking with God daily in the power of the Spirit, you are able to experience marriage the way God intended.