Anger Is a Problem in Many Families

by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN

www.biblicalparenting.org
Used by permission

Anger is a problem in many families. One of the ways you can address it is by having some honest and even fun conversations about anger in family life. Here's an activity that can launch your family into an interesting discussion. Who knows where the interaction will lead you. You might have this discussion around the dinner table or part of an evening devotion time.

Begin with this statement:  Let's all share some pet peeves that we each have. A pet peeve is something that others do that makes you mad or easily irritated. Other people may not be bothered at all but you have a hard time whenever this thing happens.

One mom said, "Here are some of mine. I don't like to see towels on the floor in the bathroom or bedrooms. I get angry when I lose my keys, or when the car gas tank is on E after Dad drives it."

Dad said, "That's interesting. I didn't know that was one of your pet peeves. You know, one of mine is when my tools aren't returned to the toolbox or when you drive my car and don't put the seat back in place."

The kids smiled as they saw their parents expressing pet peeves and were able to think of some themselves, borrowed toys, irritating noises or touching, and being interrupted while on the computer.

Then you might talk about being tolerant and thoughtful of each other. This discussion can be very practical and lead to many helpful thoughts and ideas about anger in daily family life.

For more heart-based strategies for your family, consider the book The Christian Parenting Handbook by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. A great reference book for every home.

Parenting Insight You Can Use Now

This idea was taken from the book Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN BSN.
Used by permission

A busy father comes home from work hoping to relax with his wife and enjoy his children. Instead, he walks into a land mine of relational issues. Children are bickering and Mom is frazzled. Even the dog has retreated to a quieter room in the house. A mom comes home from work wanting to share a couple of interesting stories with her family only to find that, instead, everyone wants a piece of her.

When you hit those challenging moments in family life, how do you respond? You probably have certain routines you use in conflict situations or when you're stressed or upset. One mom tells us, "I call it my 'take charge mode.' I just start taking control of everything, giving orders, solving problems, and managing people. Unfortunately, I don't always do it in a gracious way. I become more interested in reestablishing my authority than in building relationships." A dad admitted, "When things get tense in my home, I retreat. I know that's not the best but it's the way I've always responded to conflict."

When things get tense in your home, step back for a moment and evaluate the patterns that have developed. One of the ways to change those patterns is to see the routines that you use when you’re under pressure. It's amazing what happens when just one person begins to change. A whole family can change a pattern, but it all starts when someone decides to relate a little differently.

We all know that children function best with routines in their schedule. They also benefit from learning good relational routines. If you will take the time to teach children how to respond well to instruction or correction and then practice those healthy routines, you will not only make family life easier but you will teach your children something they will use in relationships for the rest of their lives.

Encouragement for the Mom Who Regrets What She Said

Used by permission from the author, Jennie Scott
November 30, 2016

 http://www.jenniegscott.com/2016/11/30/encouragement-mom-regrets-said/

When I learned my second pregnancy was with a little girl, I immediately had visions of tutus and hairbows. Parenting up to that point had consisted of Tonka trucks and John Deere tractors, so the thought of dressing up a little girl fascinated me. I left the ultrasound and went straight to the store, needing to buy something pink and prissy to hang in her closet.

Today, that little girl is nearly 10 years old, and although I dressed her in pink and placed the biggest bows I could find on her tiny baby head, she did not turn out to be a prissy girl. She is athletic and strong, and she would rather wear running shorts and t-shirts than dresses and tights.

Her dark brown hair cascades down her back, and a ponytail has become her signature look. But that dark brown ponytail has become the biggest argument-inducer between the two of us. She hates to condition it, hates to dry it, and hates to brush it. If she had her way, her hair would always air dry and be full of tangles and knots. We’ve gone around and around about it, and every night I find myself asking, “Have you brushed your hair yet?” I always know the answer.

After a busy night recently of her gymnastics practice and her brother’s football activities, we rushed to eat dinner, make lunches, take showers, and get everyone ready for bed. It wasn’t until I tucked her in that I noticed her hair. Unbrushed. Wet. Tangled.

I wish I could say I handled it calmly, but I didn’t. I was tired and harried, and I let my frustration over her actions direct my handling of the situation. I fussed. I criticized. And I made her cry.

“I’m sorry,” she tearfully apologized, adding, “I’m so mad at myself.”

And in that moment, I became mad at myself, too.

To continue reading, click here.

I’m honored to be guest posting at faithfulsparrow.com!

A Bit of Transparency

by Rosanne Parker - Used by permission

In my youth no one would have tagged me as anything but an extrovert. My sister in love described me as a white tornado when I'd arrive for a visit....I loved life and enjoyed people. In particular, I loved my Campus Life community of friends.

Life has a way of affecting change. The joys and sorrows conform us and teach us some BIG lessons. In my twenties I seemed to have lots of easy answers. My thirties were a blur with kids, a home and amazing relationships. The answers were less than easy but I was growing in grace and compassion. My temper was easily ignited to my shame. Hurt and what I now understand as trauma became an unwelcomed house guest and left messes that stained our lives. Those stains are being used to form an amazing piece of art, our life, to reflect resilience and grace from God alone.

The anger was often a reaction to fear. Fear is debilitating. As a teen I watched my beloved mom struggle through the change of life. For her, crowds and florescent lighting often triggered panic. Dear mom would get red faced on one side and go pale as Casper on the opposite side. People would offer help but that only served to make it harder for her. I recall being in a huge bus terminal in Canada when it once happened. Poor mom. I learned a little about assisting panicked people quietly during those days.

Here I am now, looking in to groups of people with a different lens than when I was in high school or college. Those waves of panic well up sometimes and I just need to pause and get acclimated like you do when you come inside from the sun into a dim room. It takes a few moments to adjust.

Please friends, be patient with those who don't jump into the party with gusto. Please remember, you do not know the history nor the current circumstance. 

Panic is a hard enemy and while it can mask as anger or unfriendliness, it is neither. It just needs a safe place to fall and gentle tenderness to get acclimated.

How can you be a safe place for someone today?

Parenting Insight You Can Use Now

by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN 

Used by permission

One of the ways you can tell that a child is "getting it" is when you actually see change in behavior. Jesus referred to a person's behavior as coming from the heart when he said in Luke 6:45, "The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks."

Actions are a measuring stick of what's happening in the heart. That's why parents get excited when their children do things that demonstrate thoughtfulness, generosity, or cooperation. It's an indication that a heart change may be taking place.

The heart contains the operating principles of a person. You can tell what kinds of things are in the heart by the tendencies a child has. How does your child tend to act when interrupted, when she gets a "no" answer, or he's being corrected? You can learn a lot about a person's heart by watching how the child responds under pressure. These typical patterns come from the heart, and, if change is going to take place, heart-based strategies will be needed.

Take anger for example. A child who has a pattern of continually reacting to life with outbursts of anger, needs a multifaceted approach to change. Helping the child change what he believes about life, being firm and correcting regularly, and talking about anger and alternative solutions all contribute to a deeper work in a child's heart. Heart-based strategies equip children for life, involving teaching and training so new tendencies develop. A change in a pattern of angry responses takes time and a lot of work from parents as God puts it all together on a deeper level.

For more ideas about developing a heart-based approach to parenting, see the many resources at biblicalparenting.org

 

Five Causes of Anger

This tip was taken from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.  If you'd like to receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org.  Used by permission

Some parents have a hard time analyzing their anger to get anything positive out of it. A helpful way to uncover what’s behind your anger is to recognize anger’s five basic causes. These five causes overlap at points and you may find that the situation you’re experiencing fits more than one, but this list is often helpful to bring some rationale to feelings. Use these causes to guide your self-reflection when you start to feel angry and then move into a more healthy response.

1. Physical Pain - When a child hits you or you step on a sharp toy, your anger may, in part, be fueled by the physical pain you experience.

2. Blocked Goals - Trying to leave the house by 7:35 am and turning to see that your three-year-old took her shoes off again can lead to anger.

3. Violated Rights - When her five-year-old is knocking on the bathroom door, a mom may feel angry and think, “I have the right to go to the bathroom in peace.” A dad may believe that he has a right to come home and have a few minutes to relax in quiet before taking on family problems

4. Unfairness - When a mom sees a big brother picking on his sister, or a younger child harassing an older one, she may get angry because of the obvious unfairness of the situation. A dad may feel it’s unfair that he has to help bathe the kids after putting in a hard day’s work.

5. Unmet Expectations - A mom might say, “I expected to arrive home from work to cook dinner, but instead I come home to this mess!” Unmet expectations seem to go along with the job of parenting but often result in angry feelings.

Discovering what is causing your angry feelings will often help you see where your child needs to grow or change, giving you more insight into how to discipline most effectively. Understanding the five causes of anger can help you as you relate to your family.

Each time you feel angry, stop for a minute and try to identify which of these is the cause. Putting a label on your feelings may help you redirect some of that energy to a more productive response. You may begin to see patterns in yourself and identify one particular cause that is more common for you. This observation can help you know how to adjust your reaction.