1. Give him everything he wants. This way he will grow up to believe that the world owes him a living.
2. Never give him spiritual training. Wait until he is twenty-one and then let him decide for himself.
3. Avoid using the word, "wrong." It might make him feel guilty and his schoolwork will suffer.
4. Do not make him work at home. Do his work for him so he will learn at an early age to leave the responsibility to others.
5. Let him watch anything he wants so he can learn from television how to get along in the world.
6. Give him spending money so he won't be frustrated by having to earn his own.
7. Do not make rules for him---you might make him angry at you.
8. When he gets bad grades, blame the teachers.
9. When he gets in trouble in school, blame the principal.
10. When he loses his job, blame the boss.
11. When he gets caught drunk driving, blame his friends.
12. Let him experiment with sex, drugs, and alcohol so he will be able to make an educated decision.
13. Buy him a car as soon as he can drive so he will have the freedom to go wherever he wants.
--from The Presbyterian Journal written in a gospel tract
God's Word to Parents
Bring our children up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. ~ Ephesians 6:4 (NAS)
These commandments are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the doorframes of your homes and on your gates. ~ Deuteronomy 6:6-9 (NIV)
Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it. ~ Proverbs 22:6 (NIV)
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Inspirational Home and Family Blog
Showing posts with label Children - Discipline. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Children - Discipline. Show all posts
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Monday, January 17, 2011
Discipline Is Developmental / Communication Tips for Building Responsible Teenagers
©Copyright 2006, Brenda Nixon. Used by permission. This tip comes from Brenda's "Daily Discipline" e-tip sent each Wednesday. For this service, helpful articles, books and resources: www.brendanixon.com
Skillful parents - and anyone who works with kids - know that discipline takes into account a child's developmental abilities. The best discipline is adapted to each child's age, needs, and abilities. For example,
Infants fuss and cry when their needs are unmet, want attention, and cannot share.
Toddlers are curiosity-driven, self-absorbed, and struggle for independence and power.
Preschoolers are fickle in friendships, have wild imaginations, want power, and try out new words.
Schoolagers are peer conscious, compare themselves to others, and competitive.
Teens are toddlers in bigger bodies.
To be successful in your daily discipline, I encourage you to consider the normal, albeit challenging, developmental behaviors of kids. Then adapt your expectations accordingly.
Note from Lois: Remember how toddlers love to say, "Me do it!" And how they want to do everything their own way? I heard on Focus on the Family that Teens are simply "Recycled Toddlers!"
Skillful parents - and anyone who works with kids - know that discipline takes into account a child's developmental abilities. The best discipline is adapted to each child's age, needs, and abilities. For example,
Infants fuss and cry when their needs are unmet, want attention, and cannot share.
Toddlers are curiosity-driven, self-absorbed, and struggle for independence and power.
Preschoolers are fickle in friendships, have wild imaginations, want power, and try out new words.
Schoolagers are peer conscious, compare themselves to others, and competitive.
Teens are toddlers in bigger bodies.
To be successful in your daily discipline, I encourage you to consider the normal, albeit challenging, developmental behaviors of kids. Then adapt your expectations accordingly.
Note from Lois: Remember how toddlers love to say, "Me do it!" And how they want to do everything their own way? I heard on Focus on the Family that Teens are simply "Recycled Toddlers!"
COMMUNICATION TIPS FOR BUILDING RESPONSIBLE TEENAGERS
by Jim Burns, PhD. Printed by permission of HomeWord. For additional information on HomeWord, visit www.homeword.com or call 800-397-9725.
No one likes to be nagged. Yet, many parents resort to nagging as a primary – though negative – way to communicate their feelings and desires with their children. In the short-run, negative communication may produce some results, but at the cost of damaging relationships with their kids. Parents with an eye to effective parenting over the long-haul will wisely choose positive communication techniques. Positive communication is vital for building responsible teenagers. Good communication does take work, but if you employ some of the following tips, you’ll be on the road to helping your kids become responsible teenagers.
Actively listen. Listening is the language of love. Listening communicates value, significance and worth. Good listening skills include
• giving a person your undivided attention
• looking past the content of the words, taking notice of tone and body language
• maintaining an accepting and open attitude
• reflective and respectful questioning to help clarify your understanding
• appropriate verbal responses to what is being communicated (i.e. not giving a blank stare, but replying – even if it is something like “I’m not sure what I think about that.”)
Provide clear verbal recognition of behavior – both acceptable and unacceptable. Both genuine praise for good behaviors and responsible actions and fair criticisms of poor behavior and irresponsible actions help to reinforce the importance you place on your kids maturing into responsible adult• giving a person your undivided attention
• looking past the content of the words, taking notice of tone and body language
• maintaining an accepting and open attitude
• reflective and respectful questioning to help clarify your understanding
• appropriate verbal responses to what is being communicated (i.e. not giving a blank stare, but replying – even if it is something like “I’m not sure what I think about that.”)
Be aware of your tone and body language when you speak. Do your best to make sure the message you send is the message you intend
Avoid the “silent treatment.” Silence can wreak havoc on communication and relationships. The use of silence to stifle a conversation or as a weapon to frustrate or hurt your kids is never helpful. Sometimes, however, silence is appropriate to provide time to gather your thoughts. Yet, always communicate the purpose of your silence. For example, a parent might say, “I need some time to consider how to respond. Let’s talk about this at dinner.”
Be aware when emotions are running high. Sometimes a cooling-off period is required in order for good communication to occur.
Express how you feel. Sharing your feelings is important in effective communication.
Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. It’s better to say, “I feel hurt when you don’t follow through on your commitments,” than “You hurt me when you don’t do what you said you’d do.” “I” statements allow you to share your feelings with your kids without blaming them.
Avoid discussion killers: • Put-downs
• Identifying comments or questions as dumb
• Yelling, interrupting or talking-over another person
• Forced talk
Downplay your role as parental authority whenever possible. When it comes to learning responsibility, helping your kids think through issues and learn from their own mistakes is important. Rather than lecturing as the parental authority, try to be a facilitator, helping your kids discover and learn lessons on their own whenever possible. In differences of opinion, help kids think through what they believe and why the believe it. Defend your position without becoming authoritarian or over-emotional, if possible.
In communicating, provide affirmation whenever possible. Everyone needs affirmation!Regular use of statements like, “Great idea,” “That’s so clever,” “I would have never figured that out,” “Way to go,” “Good job,” etc. will cause your kids to grow and thrive.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Logical Consequences
by Neil Anderson
Do not hold back discipline from the child. (Proverbs 23:13).
Do not hold back discipline from the child. (Proverbs 23:13).
Some children are effectively disciplined when they must experience the natural consequences of their disobedience. For example, if your child fools around and misses his bus at school, you may choose to let him walk home instead of picking him up yourself. If he procrastinates on a school project you have urged him to complete, let him receive a bad grade instead of bailing him out by doing the project yourself. For many children the pain of the natural consequence is enough to prompt a change in behavior the next time. Strong-willed children may respond best to this means of discipline. They often have to learn the hard way.
Use wisdom when employing this method. Some natural consequences may be too severe when other methods of discipline could be used. For example, making a child walk home from school alone may not be advisable in dangerous neighborhoods or bad weather.
Sometimes you may want to plan a negative consequence that is logically related to your child's misbehavior. Logical consequences are effective because they teach children to be responsible. For example, if your child carelessly spills his milk, a logical consequence is for him to clean up the mess.
Logical consequences help avoid power struggles between the child and parent. They can also greatly reduce nagging, correction and spanking. When your child completes the consequence, the incident is over, and hopefully he has learned to avoid the problem in the future.
Using natural consequences for discipline may require some extra work on your part. For example, you may need to teach your child how to use a sponge mop, operate the washing machine, etc. Don't look for the easiest method of discipline; look for the best. What may be convenient may not be correct. What works best for one child may not work well for another. Logical consequences teach cause and effect and can be used as a positive reinforcer.
Heavenly Father, grant me the wisdom to discipline my children for their future good as You discipline me for my good.
----------------------------------------------------------------
This daily devotional is published and distributed by Crosswalk.com. It is written by Neil Anderson at http://link.crosswalk.com/UM/T.asp?A1.14.23568.1.91897.
Note from Lois: Dr. Kevin Leman has written some helpful books on common sense discipline, which are also entertaining to read. Two of his books on this subject are Making Children Mind without Losing Yours, as well as Bringing Up Kids without Tearing Them Down. Another book of Dr. Leman's with an interesting concept is The Birth Order Book. This book will help you to understand the differences in your children, as well as your siblings. Dr. James Dobson's Dare to Discipline is also very helpful, along with others he wrote. Both authors use the Bible as their source for the principles given.
OUT OF THE MOUTH OF MAX
Contributed by Elinor in Virginia ~ a quote by her five year old grandson, Max, who is memorized by tools, lawn mowers, tractors, construction - anything a man might use.
Dialog with Daddy following a "time out" experience for discipline.
"Hey Daddy, tell me about when you were a little boy and you were punished!"
"Well, for one thing, Meems and Pop Pop did NOT do 'time out' - they gave me a spanking!"
"Well, what did Meems and Pop Pop spank you with?"
"It was a wooden spoon."
"Was it the pwessure tweeted kind?"
Dad cracks up!!! The family has one more story to add to our book of "Max Tales!"
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A Touching Story about Grace
God's Riches At Christ's Expense
(A story to read to your children)
author unknown, contributed by Linda J. Stevenson, Virginia
The boy stood with back arched, head cocked back and hands clenched defiantly. "Go ahead, give it to me."
The principal looked down at the young rebel. "How many times have you been here?"
The child sneered rebelliously, "Apparently not enough."
The principal gave the boy a strange look. "And you have been punished each time have you not?"
"Yeah, I been punished, if that's what you want to call it." He threw out his small chest, "Go ahead I can take whatever you dish out. I always have."
"And no thought of your punishment enters your head the next time you decide to break the rules does it?"
"Nope, I do whatever I want to do. Ain't nothin' you people gonna do to stop me either."
The principal looked over at the teacher who stood nearby. "What did he do this time?"
"Fighting. He took little Tommy and shoved his face into the sandbox."
The principal turned to look at the boy, "Why? What did little Tommy do to you?"
"Nothin'. I didn't like the way he was lookin' at me, just like I don't like the way your lookin' at me! And if I thought I could do it, I'd shove your face into something." The teacher stiffened and started to rise but a quick look from the principal stopped him.
He contemplated the child for a moment and then quietly said, "Today, my young student, is the day you learn about grace."
"Grace? Isn't that what you old people do before you sit down to eat? I don't need none of your stinkin' grace."
"Oh, but you do." The principal studied the young man's face and whispered. "Oh yes, you truly do..."
The boy continued to glare as the principal continued, "Grace, in its short definition, is unmerited favor. You cannot earn it. It is a gift and is always freely given. It means that you will not be getting what you so richly deserve."
The boy looked puzzled. "You're not gonna whup me? You just gonna let me walk?"
The principal looked down at the unyielding child. "Yes, I am going to let you walk."
The boy studied the face of the principal, "No punishment at all? Even though I socked Tommy and shoved his face into the sandbox?"
"Oh, there has to be punishment. What you did was wrong and there are always consequences to our actions. There will be punishment. Grace is not an excuse for doing wrong."
"I knew it," sneered the boy as he held out his hands. "Lets get on with it."
The principal nodded toward the teacher. "Bring me the belt." The teacher presented the belt to the principal. He carefully folded it in two and then handed it back to the teacher. He looked at the child and said. "I want you to count the blows." He slid out from behind his desk and walked over to stand directly in front of the young man. He gently reached out and folded the child's outstretched, expectant hands together and then turned to face the teacher with his own hands outstretched.
One quiet word came forth from his mouth. "Begin." The belt whipped down on the outstretched hands of the principal. Crack! The young man jumped ten feet in the air. Shock registered across his face, "One" he whispered. Crack! "Two." His voice raised an octave. Crack! "Three..." He couldn't believe this. Crack! "Four." Big tears welled up in the eyes of the rebel.
"OK stop! That's enough. Stop!" Crack! Came the belt down on the callused hands of the principal. Crack! The child flinched with each blow, tears beginning to stream down his face. Crack! Crack!
"No please", the former rebel begged, "Stop, I did it, I'm the one who deserves it. Stop! Please. Stop..." Still the blows came--Crack! Crack! One after another. Finally it was over.
The principal stood with sweat glistening across his forehead and beads trickling down his face. Slowly he knelt down. He studied the young man for a second and then his swollen hands reached out to cradle the face of the weeping child. "Grace..." he simply said.
(A story to read to your children)
author unknown, contributed by Linda J. Stevenson, Virginia
The boy stood with back arched, head cocked back and hands clenched defiantly. "Go ahead, give it to me."
The principal looked down at the young rebel. "How many times have you been here?"
The child sneered rebelliously, "Apparently not enough."
The principal gave the boy a strange look. "And you have been punished each time have you not?"
"Yeah, I been punished, if that's what you want to call it." He threw out his small chest, "Go ahead I can take whatever you dish out. I always have."
"And no thought of your punishment enters your head the next time you decide to break the rules does it?"
"Nope, I do whatever I want to do. Ain't nothin' you people gonna do to stop me either."
The principal looked over at the teacher who stood nearby. "What did he do this time?"
"Fighting. He took little Tommy and shoved his face into the sandbox."
The principal turned to look at the boy, "Why? What did little Tommy do to you?"
"Nothin'. I didn't like the way he was lookin' at me, just like I don't like the way your lookin' at me! And if I thought I could do it, I'd shove your face into something." The teacher stiffened and started to rise but a quick look from the principal stopped him.
He contemplated the child for a moment and then quietly said, "Today, my young student, is the day you learn about grace."
"Grace? Isn't that what you old people do before you sit down to eat? I don't need none of your stinkin' grace."
"Oh, but you do." The principal studied the young man's face and whispered. "Oh yes, you truly do..."
The boy continued to glare as the principal continued, "Grace, in its short definition, is unmerited favor. You cannot earn it. It is a gift and is always freely given. It means that you will not be getting what you so richly deserve."
The boy looked puzzled. "You're not gonna whup me? You just gonna let me walk?"
The principal looked down at the unyielding child. "Yes, I am going to let you walk."
The boy studied the face of the principal, "No punishment at all? Even though I socked Tommy and shoved his face into the sandbox?"
"Oh, there has to be punishment. What you did was wrong and there are always consequences to our actions. There will be punishment. Grace is not an excuse for doing wrong."
"I knew it," sneered the boy as he held out his hands. "Lets get on with it."
The principal nodded toward the teacher. "Bring me the belt." The teacher presented the belt to the principal. He carefully folded it in two and then handed it back to the teacher. He looked at the child and said. "I want you to count the blows." He slid out from behind his desk and walked over to stand directly in front of the young man. He gently reached out and folded the child's outstretched, expectant hands together and then turned to face the teacher with his own hands outstretched.
One quiet word came forth from his mouth. "Begin." The belt whipped down on the outstretched hands of the principal. Crack! The young man jumped ten feet in the air. Shock registered across his face, "One" he whispered. Crack! "Two." His voice raised an octave. Crack! "Three..." He couldn't believe this. Crack! "Four." Big tears welled up in the eyes of the rebel.
"OK stop! That's enough. Stop!" Crack! Came the belt down on the callused hands of the principal. Crack! The child flinched with each blow, tears beginning to stream down his face. Crack! Crack!
"No please", the former rebel begged, "Stop, I did it, I'm the one who deserves it. Stop! Please. Stop..." Still the blows came--Crack! Crack! One after another. Finally it was over.
The principal stood with sweat glistening across his forehead and beads trickling down his face. Slowly he knelt down. He studied the young man for a second and then his swollen hands reached out to cradle the face of the weeping child. "Grace..." he simply said.
Friday, December 31, 2010
10 Ways to Correct Behavior without Crushing Character
Author:Jim Burns, Ph.D. - http://www.homeword.com - Used by permission
Have you ever noticed how many life lessons you can learn in a garden? In a few cubic yards of dirt, rocks and bugs, you can see the whole life saga unfold before your eyes – prepare the soil, plant the seeds, nourish them so the plants will grow and then harvest the crop (or enjoy the flowers). Sounds so simple, doesn’t it! That is, of course, until the crabgrass creeps in or the weather turns harsh or your interest in tending wanes. How easy it is for a growing garden to turn into wasteland of weeds. At that point, the gardener has two choices – either trash the garden and start again; or remove what shouldn’t be there and replenish what should.
If you’re a parent, congratulations . . . the Creator has blessed you with a “garden” of sorts. The “crop” consists of children – curious, creative creatures prone to making mistakes. When these “weeds” crop up in their character, however, you do not have the option of trashing the entire “garden.” The key is to learn how to correct the behavior and salvage the spirit of the
child at the same time.
Over the years, I’ve developed 10 ways you can do so. They aren’t perfect, and they may need to be modified somewhat to adapt to certain personality types. But, by and large, they’re effective.
1. Discipline with Consistency - Remember how many times you fell off that two-wheeler before you finally got your balance? Same holds true for your kids. Little ones may repeat the same bad behavior time after time after time. Remember Ephesians 6 (especially you, Dad), and consistently show them the right behavior. No need to lose your cool doing so, either.
2. Clearly Express Your Expectations - More often than not, children generally want to please their parents. When they do, they feel a great sense of security. But when they don’t, they’ll react in one of two ways. They’ll either feel miserable for disappointing you, or defiant and defensive because they know you’re upset. They need to know that they’ve broken a rule, nothing more. They’re in no danger of losing your love. Clearly expressing a consistent standard goes a long way toward helping a child correct bad behavior on his or her own.
3. Involve Your Child in Consequential Decision-Making - If you’re already putting the first two principles in action, this one’s a no-brainer. You’ve established the rules. You correct bad behavior consistently (in other words, there’s no getting around the consequences). Now, you give the child the opportunity to take real ownership for their actions by determining their own consequences (or helping to establish them, at least).
4. “Let the Punishment Fit the Crime” - As obvious as this might sound, I’m always amazed to hear of a parent who grounded his daughter for a month because she forgot to set the table for dinner . . . once. A missed homework assignment might be grounds for a night without television; coming home four hours past curfew should warrant a more serious consequence.
5. Discipline Calmly Ever heard the expression, “Perception is reality?” Well, it is – especially when you need to discipline your kids. When you’re upset, you’re in no shape to mete out effective discipline. There’s a difference between punishment and discipline . . . and the difference is control. The out-of-control parent punishes a child out of anger; the parent in control
disciplines to correct bad behavior.
6. Draw Up a “Family Contract” - Having trouble getting your child to remember to keep his room picked up? Get it in writing! Family Contracts are excellent tools for helping your kids to learn what family rules are most important. You can make them for any of a number of desired responses (eg homework, curfew, television viewing, music listening, etc). Click here for a sample contract – but not until you get to the end of this list!
7. Remember “the 3 R’s” - When it comes to keeping a child’s spirit open in the midst of discipline, remember – “Rules without Relationship leads to Rebellion.” After all . . . we’re trying to correct behavior without crushing character here, right? Parenting involves more than “laying down the law.” The kind of relationship your children have with you will determine the way they interact with everyone else they meet in this life.
8. Communication is the Key to Keeping the Spirit Open - When the discipline is done, chances are your kids will want to hole up in their rooms and sulk. Don’t let ‘em. Scripture commands us to talk about our faith with our children “when we’re lying down and rising up.” Discipline is just one part of the faith journey. While your child might need a good “pout” every now and again, resist the temptation to let them stew too long. (And remember, Mom and Dad – no pouting from you either. I know parenting can be tough. But hang in there – it’s worth it!)
9. Your Words Can have Power – so use them wisely! Your words can either build up or destroy your children. When a child’s spirit is broken because of bad or inappropriate behavior, make sure you attack the behavior – not the child.
10. Choose Your Battles Wisely -- If you’re finding yourself growing more and more defensive when your kids act up, chances are you’re trying to manage too many battles on too many fronts. Now, I’m not saying you should ease up on your kids when they really need your discipline – rather, make sure you do battle over things that are really worth fighting for (eg sexual purity, performance in school, etc) instead of those where a healthy compromise will do (eg keeping the room straight, cleaning up after the family pet). Children can be unbelievably resilient . . . but they’re still precious cargo. Handle them with care. Correct behavior when necessary. Pray like their lives depend on it – because, when you get right down to it, they do!
Have you ever noticed how many life lessons you can learn in a garden? In a few cubic yards of dirt, rocks and bugs, you can see the whole life saga unfold before your eyes – prepare the soil, plant the seeds, nourish them so the plants will grow and then harvest the crop (or enjoy the flowers). Sounds so simple, doesn’t it! That is, of course, until the crabgrass creeps in or the weather turns harsh or your interest in tending wanes. How easy it is for a growing garden to turn into wasteland of weeds. At that point, the gardener has two choices – either trash the garden and start again; or remove what shouldn’t be there and replenish what should.
If you’re a parent, congratulations . . . the Creator has blessed you with a “garden” of sorts. The “crop” consists of children – curious, creative creatures prone to making mistakes. When these “weeds” crop up in their character, however, you do not have the option of trashing the entire “garden.” The key is to learn how to correct the behavior and salvage the spirit of the
child at the same time.
Over the years, I’ve developed 10 ways you can do so. They aren’t perfect, and they may need to be modified somewhat to adapt to certain personality types. But, by and large, they’re effective.
1. Discipline with Consistency - Remember how many times you fell off that two-wheeler before you finally got your balance? Same holds true for your kids. Little ones may repeat the same bad behavior time after time after time. Remember Ephesians 6 (especially you, Dad), and consistently show them the right behavior. No need to lose your cool doing so, either.
2. Clearly Express Your Expectations - More often than not, children generally want to please their parents. When they do, they feel a great sense of security. But when they don’t, they’ll react in one of two ways. They’ll either feel miserable for disappointing you, or defiant and defensive because they know you’re upset. They need to know that they’ve broken a rule, nothing more. They’re in no danger of losing your love. Clearly expressing a consistent standard goes a long way toward helping a child correct bad behavior on his or her own.
3. Involve Your Child in Consequential Decision-Making - If you’re already putting the first two principles in action, this one’s a no-brainer. You’ve established the rules. You correct bad behavior consistently (in other words, there’s no getting around the consequences). Now, you give the child the opportunity to take real ownership for their actions by determining their own consequences (or helping to establish them, at least).
4. “Let the Punishment Fit the Crime” - As obvious as this might sound, I’m always amazed to hear of a parent who grounded his daughter for a month because she forgot to set the table for dinner . . . once. A missed homework assignment might be grounds for a night without television; coming home four hours past curfew should warrant a more serious consequence.
5. Discipline Calmly Ever heard the expression, “Perception is reality?” Well, it is – especially when you need to discipline your kids. When you’re upset, you’re in no shape to mete out effective discipline. There’s a difference between punishment and discipline . . . and the difference is control. The out-of-control parent punishes a child out of anger; the parent in control
disciplines to correct bad behavior.
6. Draw Up a “Family Contract” - Having trouble getting your child to remember to keep his room picked up? Get it in writing! Family Contracts are excellent tools for helping your kids to learn what family rules are most important. You can make them for any of a number of desired responses (eg homework, curfew, television viewing, music listening, etc). Click here for a sample contract – but not until you get to the end of this list!
7. Remember “the 3 R’s” - When it comes to keeping a child’s spirit open in the midst of discipline, remember – “Rules without Relationship leads to Rebellion.” After all . . . we’re trying to correct behavior without crushing character here, right? Parenting involves more than “laying down the law.” The kind of relationship your children have with you will determine the way they interact with everyone else they meet in this life.
8. Communication is the Key to Keeping the Spirit Open - When the discipline is done, chances are your kids will want to hole up in their rooms and sulk. Don’t let ‘em. Scripture commands us to talk about our faith with our children “when we’re lying down and rising up.” Discipline is just one part of the faith journey. While your child might need a good “pout” every now and again, resist the temptation to let them stew too long. (And remember, Mom and Dad – no pouting from you either. I know parenting can be tough. But hang in there – it’s worth it!)
9. Your Words Can have Power – so use them wisely! Your words can either build up or destroy your children. When a child’s spirit is broken because of bad or inappropriate behavior, make sure you attack the behavior – not the child.
10. Choose Your Battles Wisely -- If you’re finding yourself growing more and more defensive when your kids act up, chances are you’re trying to manage too many battles on too many fronts. Now, I’m not saying you should ease up on your kids when they really need your discipline – rather, make sure you do battle over things that are really worth fighting for (eg sexual purity, performance in school, etc) instead of those where a healthy compromise will do (eg keeping the room straight, cleaning up after the family pet). Children can be unbelievably resilient . . . but they’re still precious cargo. Handle them with care. Correct behavior when necessary. Pray like their lives depend on it – because, when you get right down to it, they do!
What the Bible Says about Discipline and Love / To Spank or Not to Spank
WHAT GOD SAYS ABOUT DISCIPLINE AND LOVE
by Lois Breneman, © 2009, Heart to Heart
by Lois Breneman, © 2009, Heart to Heart
When our first child was seven, I put made a picture book on discipline to read to our children. She saw the title, "What God Says about Discipline" on the cover, and said to me, "Why don't you add, 'And Love' in the title?" A great idea, which I followed, by the way. She knew we were using that method of discipline and love in our home.
The book consisted of scripture verses about discipline from the book of Proverbs using the scripture verse and an appropriate picture. I've saved all kinds of pictures through the years for this purpose. This book has been a treasured book through the years, and is now laminated to preserve it.
Some illustrated scriptures in that book are the following: Proverbs 29:19, 6:20-23, 3:11-12, 13:24, 17:14, 19:19, 20:30, 20:20, 22:6, 22:15, 19:26, 23:13-14, 26:21,29:15, 29:17 There are many more good ones in Proverbs and Ephesians!
In our family, we had been using "controlled spanking," but only for willful and defiant behavior. When a child crossed the line, we privately explained to that child how we as parents needed to obey God in all things, even in disciplining our children, as He gave us instructions in the Bible. We wanted to follow what God said, because all of His rules were for our own good - to make us better and happier people, as we obeyed Him. So we'd ask the child why he or she thought discipline was necessary, making sure they understood why they were being corrected. The child was then told to bend down and hold his knees or lay across the edge of a bed. A few swats were administered to their posterior with a wooden spoon, enough to hurt, but nothing violent. Next we would love the child, tell him he was forgiven, give hugs and kisses, talk and pray with him. Part of the talking was lovingly reviewing with him how he should behave the next time a similar situation came up. Biblical discipline does take some time, but then it is over and done with, and with good results.
On the other hand, I know parents who discipline by using "time outs," having to hold the child in a seat, as he screams violently and the parent has to raise his or her voice to be speak to the child. When this method was used, it was agony for all those in the house. I do not believe in swatting or beating a child, nor do I believe in spanking and just leaving the child to pout. It is a process as explained above, and only for defiant behavior.
Spanking does not produce violent children, as some may think. Our three children and countless other children I know who have been raised in this manner are very well adjusted and loving adults today, with wonderful relationships with their parents.
By the way, Dr. Dobson only believes in spanking for willful and defiant disobedience as well - not for every little thing, and certainly not for accidents. He wrote the New Dare to Discipline book, in which he has mellowed a bit on his approach. I highly recommend his book.
TO SPANK OF NOT TO SPANK?
Excerpted from "Moments Together for Couples" by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used with permission. Copyright 1995 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. To purchase the book, visit http://store.familylife.com/detail.asp?id=1170
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him. Proverbs 22:15
What can make a child cry and a group of parents tense up like they are about to receive a shot at the doctor's office? It's the S word-spanking.
Most of us know that the book of Proverbs affirms using "the rod of discipline." Because some parents have physically abused their children, an increasing number of people consider spanking to be synonymous with child abuse.
However, I believe properly administered spanking is a positive, biblical approach to raising children. Here are two simple guidelines:
First, clarify the boundaries and the punishment for the offense. Decide what behavior is "worth" a spanking, and be sure your child understands it. We have six children, and we only have half a dozen issues warranting a spanking. We have used spanking sparingly, as a last resort in the training of our children. But we have used it.
Second, it should not be administered in anger but out of love, and in the context of a relationship with the child. The purpose is to help the child understand that his or her wrong choices have consequences. We always loved on our children before and after they'd been disciplined. I didn't get that many spankings as a child, but I can tell you this-I always felt loved, and I definitely needed the correction!
As parents, we are in the process of producing a harvest of character, helping our children learn to be responsive to God and themselves for their lives. As parents, we can't gloss over flagrant disobedience and pretend it didn't occur. If we do, we allow foolishness, rather than wisdom, to have a foothold in our children's hearts.
Discuss: Are you and your spouse in agreement when it comes to disciplining your child? What are your boundaries and the penalties for crossing them?
Pray: Ask God to give you the courage to follow the Scriptures in your family. Ask Him to help you achieve that blend of authority and love that tells your children that you really care about them.
Excerpted from "Moments Together for Couples" by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. Used with permission. Copyright 1995 by Dennis and Barbara Rainey. To purchase the book, visit http://store.familylife.com/detail.asp?id=1170
Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him. Proverbs 22:15
What can make a child cry and a group of parents tense up like they are about to receive a shot at the doctor's office? It's the S word-spanking.
Most of us know that the book of Proverbs affirms using "the rod of discipline." Because some parents have physically abused their children, an increasing number of people consider spanking to be synonymous with child abuse.
However, I believe properly administered spanking is a positive, biblical approach to raising children. Here are two simple guidelines:
First, clarify the boundaries and the punishment for the offense. Decide what behavior is "worth" a spanking, and be sure your child understands it. We have six children, and we only have half a dozen issues warranting a spanking. We have used spanking sparingly, as a last resort in the training of our children. But we have used it.
Second, it should not be administered in anger but out of love, and in the context of a relationship with the child. The purpose is to help the child understand that his or her wrong choices have consequences. We always loved on our children before and after they'd been disciplined. I didn't get that many spankings as a child, but I can tell you this-I always felt loved, and I definitely needed the correction!
As parents, we are in the process of producing a harvest of character, helping our children learn to be responsive to God and themselves for their lives. As parents, we can't gloss over flagrant disobedience and pretend it didn't occur. If we do, we allow foolishness, rather than wisdom, to have a foothold in our children's hearts.
Discuss: Are you and your spouse in agreement when it comes to disciplining your child? What are your boundaries and the penalties for crossing them?
Pray: Ask God to give you the courage to follow the Scriptures in your family. Ask Him to help you achieve that blend of authority and love that tells your children that you really care about them.
How Dr. Spock Destroyed America
| by Reb Bradley © 2009 - This author describes how conservative parents are raising liberal children today. He is not a political expert, but a parenting expert. In the last 50 years, our nation has taken a moral nosedive. Since 1960, the rate of violent crimes has more than tripled. Every day there are news reports of heinous crimes unheard of in America a generation ago. Children murder their playmates, their teachers and their parents. Teenage mothers abandon their newborn babies in trashcans, and every year students commit carnage on their classmates. Our culture has sunk so low that children are no longer safe with their teachers in school or at church – scores of men and women are arrested every year for preying on the children under their care. The sexual revolution that started in the '60s continues with many casualties. Promiscuity has become so rampant that 1 of every 4 teenage girls now has a sexually transmitted infection. In the last five decades, practices have become so deviant that the number of distinct STDs had risen from five to more than 50 – a sudden increase of a thousand percent. Obsession with sexual violence has brought a 318 percent increase in sexual assault. Our nation is in severe moral decline, and the descent is not slowing. The root cause of decline in America is not that difficult to deduce. When a society becomes out of control, it is because its members elevate self-indulgence and lack self-control. It really is that simple. In the last 50 years, human nature has not changed. Selfishness, lust, covetousness and all other passions are in the human heart at birth. It is only a trained proclivity to say NO to our natural drives that keeps our passions in check – self-control is what stops us from stealing, murdering and committing adultery. It is parents who must instill this important quality in each generation. History and common sense teach us that the society in which children are not taught to keep control of their passions is destined to moral disintegration. In America the reason that baby boomers and their children have grown up with less mastery over their passions than previous generations is because in the late '40s a new voice of authority on parenting rose to prominence, and parents of the '50s and '60s began to raise children differently than before. In 1946, Dr. Benjamin Spock first published his infamous book "Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care," which was unlike any that came before it. Instead of stressing the importance of teaching self-denial and respect for authority, Spock discouraged directive training and emphasized accommodating children's feelings and catering to their preferences. No longer did children learn they could endure Brussels sprouts and suffer through daily chores. Using Spock's approach, parents began to feed self-indulgence instead of instilling self-control – homes were becoming child-centered. As parents elevated children's "freedom of expression" and natural cravings, children became more outspoken, defiant and demanding of gratification. In fact, they came to view gratification as a right. Spock wrote his book in response to a cold, authoritarian philosophy of parenting that had been dominant in America. For years, parents had been told to withhold affection from their children – not to touch them too often – not to respond to their tears. Understanding of children had not been encouraged, and fathers had held a minor role in their nurture and care. These things distressed Spock, and they would have upset me had I been born back then. Children need our tender affection, understanding and respect. However, Spock's solutions reflected total ignorance of the hedonistic bent of human nature and fostered an over-exalted sense of self-importance in children. Homes became hotbeds for narcissism, entitlement and victim thinking. In the early '60s, under Spock's influence, parents were watching their children become sassy and contentious, and increasing numbers were seeing them become juvenile delinquents and criminals. As the crime rate started to crawl up, SAT scores began to drop. Teenagers began to exercise less moral restraint and revealed an increasing contempt for authority. The free-love hippy movement and student protests were inevitable for children who had been raised to think too highly of themselves. Is it any surprise that Spock himself participated in protests and was arrested in 1968 because of his contempt for governmental authority? In 1972, Spock's imbalanced view of child rearing became greatly apparent when he entered the presidential race as the candidate for the socialistic People's Party. Anyone who embraces socialism is clueless to a key element of proper parenting – personal responsibility. What Spock's actions reveal about the weaknesses of his philosophies is obvious, but some doubt that Spock's influence was that pervasive. However, in the first year, his book sold 750,000 copies, and within six years it sold more than 4 million. It has since sold over 50 million and has been translated into more than 40 languages. According to Dr. Spock's website, it is second in sales only to the Bible. Life magazine certified the depth of his influence, naming Spock among the 100 most important people of the 20th century. Even Dr. Spock was aware of his negative influence upon parents. In a 1968 interview with the New York Times, Spock admitted that his first edition of "Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care" contributed to an increase of permissive parenting in America. "Parents began to be afraid to impose on the child in any way," he said. In his 1957 edition, he tried to remedy that by emphasizing the need for setting standards and asking for respect. Unfortunately, Spock failed to see the deeper problems of his philosophy, so subsequent editions continued to cultivate narcissism. As Spock's radical parenting ideas grew in popularity, other "experts" jumped on the bandwagon and promoted their own versions of indulgent child rearing. Since 1946, parenting approaches that foster narcissism and contempt for authority have become the accepted norm in higher education and subsequently, in society. It is a simple matter to trace the dominant hedonism of our culture back to Spock's influence. And since the parenting we receive in childhood develops the worldview we hold as adults, Spock influenced not only how American's conduct themselves in society, but how they approach government as well. Interestingly enough, in the 1968 New York Times interview, Spock admitted that he would "be proud if the idealism and militancy of youth today were caused by my book." Raising children to adulthood with a defiant attitude toward authority was apparently one of his goals. Spock died in 1998, and my intent is not to malign a man in the grave – it is to rescue America before we expire from moral disintegration. We must, therefore, identify and abandon the polluted well from which we have been drinking. Those interested in repairing the damage done by Spock, both in the family and in society at large, will want to read "Born Liberal Raised Right: How to Rescue America from Moral Decline – One Family at a Time." It lays out a clear analysis of the problem and a simple plan for recovery. Best-selling author Reb Bradley is not a political expert; he is a parenting expert. As a counselor, Bradley has diagnosed and helped thousands of parents transform their lives and those of their children. In 1998, he took note of the disintegrating moral fiber of our nation and decided to apply his diagnostic skills to find a cure for what ails our society. In his book, "Born Liberal Raised Right: How to Rescue America from Moral Decline – One Family at a Time," Bradley reveals how American society has grown out of control, because its members were not taught self-control as children. In fact, in his research he discovered that a liberal worldview is a direct outgrowth of various parenting styles. |
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Blanket Time
by Meagan DeLong
(After reading on Meagan's blog about this creative way of teaching her children, she agreed to write a brief article on this topic for all the Heart to Heart moms! I know this will be very helpful to all who follow her example! Why not give it a try in your home!)
(After reading on Meagan's blog about this creative way of teaching her children, she agreed to write a brief article on this topic for all the Heart to Heart moms! I know this will be very helpful to all who follow her example! Why not give it a try in your home!)
Before our second child was born, I decided to teach Karis (18 months) how to enjoy "Blanket Time," so that she would learn to sit and play quietly while I nursed the baby. It was a lot of work at first, but it was definitely worth it later on! I gave Karis some toys that I knew she loved, usually sensory things like beans, linking cubes, a box of Christmas bows, etc. and instructed her to play on the blanket and not get off. The first week my goal was ten minutes, and I planned to raise it five minutes every week until she could do thirty minutes (hopefully enough time to change and nurse the baby).
The first day I spent the whole time disciplining her for getting off the blanket, but the second day she played for fifteen minutes without even looking up at me! I love this idea for so many reasons: it teaches her patience, obedience, and how to sit still better. It is also really good for her to learn to play by herself and I just love hearing her talk to the toys and interact without my help. It also makes beans and other small sensory things so much easier to clean up since they have to stay on the blanket. With my second child, I started shortly after she turned a year old. It is amazing how many things I can straighten or organize during that short window of time!
Friday, December 24, 2010
Discipline or Distress?
(c)Copyright, 2009, Brenda Nixon - Used by Permission
Noticing more screaming, tantrums, resistance, nightmares, bedwetting, defiance, whining and cantankerousness in kids this time of year?
Noticing more screaming, tantrums, resistance, nightmares, bedwetting, defiance, whining and cantankerousness in kids this time of year?
When Laura was in a Christmas play and we were running out the door to practices, constantly rehearsing her lines, cramming in homework and quick meals, she finally broke down in tears. "I'm not going!" she demanded one afternoon. The hectic pace and high expectations finally wore her down. Boy, did I feel insensitive and guilty.
Kids are perceptive. They pick up on stress in our lives and also react to their disrupted routines. If you find your kids are acting out more - during the day and overnight - perhaps they're stressed with the expectations and busyness. Even anticipation, of Christmas Day, is a stressor!
If you think you're going to "lose it" at times, don't you think kids feel the same? And most kids - especially those wee ones - are helpless about their schedules since adults set the pace.
Rather than increasing discipline, setting more rules and limitations, or sending kids to time-out, try calming the environment. Turn down the lights, turn OFF the TV, PlayStation and other electronics. Enjoy some quiet in your home. Allow children to lie on the bed and think. Allow down time for relaxation.
This week, be a student of your children; watch and learn from them. If you see they're reacting to stressed and harried schedules, DeStress, slow down! You'll see an improvement in their behavior as well as yours. Nothing - not plays, family expectations, relatives, games, or church - is worth your kids' mental health and your parent/child relationship.
(c)Copyright, 2009, Brenda Nixon. The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start is available at bookstores and online at Amazon. Follow my work and life in 140 characters at http://www.twitter.com/BrendaNixon. For Brenda's Discipline Tip, each week: subscribe@BrendaNixon.com
(c)Copyright, 2009, Brenda Nixon. The Birth to Five Book: Confident Childrearing Right from the Start is available at bookstores and online at Amazon. Follow my work and life in 140 characters at http://www.twitter.com/BrendaNixon. For Brenda's Discipline Tip, each week: subscribe@BrendaNixon.com
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