Sibling Rivalry

This idea comes from Chapter 39 in the book The Christian Parenting Handbook by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. Click here to see the Table of Contents.

Used by permission

Competition between siblings is often demonstrated by the statement, "That's not fair" or "What about him?" Competition stems from comparison and often creates conflict in relationships between brothers and sisters.

Here's an idea that will go a long way to reduce the comparison and competition between your children. Treat each child uniquely and don't even try to treat all your kids the same. Intentionally give them different privileges, assignments, and responsibilities. Avoid grouping the children by saying things like, "Kids, it's time to eat" or "Boys, let's get in the car." Instead, use each child’s name and give separate instructions. "Bill, please wash your hands and come to dinner." "Karen, come join us now for dinner?"

When children compare themselves to each other they say they want equality, but that's not really true. What each child wants is to feel special. When you treat them uniquely and focus on each child individually, you'll be surprised how much comparison and competition are reduced in your family.

After all, God doesn't treat us all the same. He treats us each uniquely. John 21:15-23 contains a fascinating story that often happens in families today. Jesus is telling Peter how he is going to die. Peter turns and looks at another disciple and says, "What about him?" Jesus answers, "What is that to you? You follow me." In essence, Jesus was saying, "I treat each person uniquely. You worry about yourself." What a great lesson to apply to our families. Treat people uniquely and special instead of trying to treat them all equally or the same.

Competition Between Siblings

 by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN
www.biblicalparenting.org
Used by permission


Competition between siblings is often demonstrated by the statement, "That's not fair" or "What about him?" Competition stems from comparison and often creates conflict in relationships between brothers and sisters.

Here's an idea that will go a long way to reduce the comparison and competition between your children. Treat each child uniquely and don't even try to treat all your kids the same. Intentionally give them different privileges, assignments, and responsibilities. Avoid grouping the children by saying things like, "Kids, it's time to eat" or "Boys, let's get in the car." Instead, use each child’s name and give separate instructions. "Bill, please wash your hands and come to dinner." "Karen, come join us now for dinner?"

When children compare themselves to each other they say they want equality, but that's not really true. What each child wants is to feel special. When you treat them uniquely and focus on each child individually, you'll be surprised how much comparison and competition are reduced in your family.

After all, God doesn't treat us all the same. He treats us each uniquely. John 21:15-23 contains a fascinating story that often happens in families today. Jesus is telling Peter how he is going to die. Peter turns and looks at another disciple and says, "What about him?" Jesus answers, "What is that to you? You follow me." In essence, Jesus was saying, "I treat each person uniquely. You worry about yourself." What a great lesson to apply to our families. Treat people uniquely and special instead of trying to treat them all equally or the same.

This idea comes from Chapter 39 in the book The Christian Parenting Handbook by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. Click here to see the Table of Contents.

Help with Sibling Rivalry

by Lois Breneman ~ Heart to Heart ~ 2013

I like the advice I once heard Dr. James Dobson give concerning sibling rivalry.  He said something to this effect:  When your children are quarreling, have them sit down and look them straight in the eye as you tell them how in their life they will surely encounter some people in the world who will disagree with them and may not even like them.  Then let them know that the people inside the walls of your home are on the same team and we have each other's best interest at heart and will support each other, no matter what.  Assure them that when no one else will stick up for them, their parents, sisters and brothers will, and I might add that their grandparents will!

Another piece of advice I heard somewhere was this:  When your children are fighting, put a stop to it and have each one say one nice thing about the other person, such as a good character quality, a talent, or positive remark concerning the other person.

When your children misbehave, tell them you love them too much to allow them to misbehave like that.

It's too bad I never heard these remedies when my children were young.  I do remember having them wash a window after fighting one another, with one on the inside of the kitchen door window and the other on the outside.  It wasn't always a surefire way of disciplining.  Sometimes they would stick out their tongues and make faces, but every now and then it did make them laugh!

Whatever quarreling and fighting our children went through with each other as kids, it's worth it now to see them all getting along with each other wonderfully, and loving each other's children as well.  We just enjoyed a week together at the beach earlier this month, and it was such a joy to be together and enjoy our family of thirteen in 2013, with being blessed with our newest grandchild only three months earlier!  We try as much as possible to get all of the family together at least once or twice every year, even if we are all spread out.  Now that John is retired, we are hoping to spend more time with each family for a week at a time.  They tell us about various projects they have for us to lend them a hand.  We really enjoy helping them and spending time with each one, and are thankful that they ask us to come.

Family Reading and Discussions / A Mouse Story / Badgering / Tattling / Scripture

FAMILY READING AND DISCUSSIONS
        The Mouse Story below is an appropriate reading for fathers to use during family devotions, followed by an interesting discussion.  Talk about the importance of our concern, care and willingness to help others.  Ask your children for examples.  Take this opportunity to point out the importance of family members sticking together, being on the same team, and looking out for one another.  That would be a wonderful remedy for sibling rivalry! 

        The next article on badgering may be another good one for reading and discussing with your children during a family time.

A MOUSE STORY
Author unknown ~ Contributed by Karen Coughlin in Florida 

        A mouse looked through the crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package. "What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered - he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
        Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning.  "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
        The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
        The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"  The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured you are in my prayers."
        The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house!  There is a mousetrap in the house!"  The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
        So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap alone.  That very night a sound was heard throughout the house -- like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.  The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.
        The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital, and she returned home with a fever. Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient.
        But his wife's sickness continued, so friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.  The farmer's wife did not get well; she died. So many people came for her funeral, the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.  The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
        So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you, remember -- when one of us is threatened, we are all at risk.  We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another. 

Remember: Each of us is a vital thread in another person's tapestry; our lives are woven together for a reason.

 

BADGERING
By Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller - Copyright 2006 - All rights reserved
http://effectiveparenting.org/  - http://www.biblicalparenting.org/  - Used by permission


This tip comes from chapter 5 in the book, "Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids."

        A badger is a burrowing animal with an amazing amount of persistence. Badgers have extraordinary physical strength and a tenacious approach to life's challenges. Many children are like badgers when they can't accept no as an answer. They badger parents to try to reverse the decision. Children who badger usually have dominating personalities and confident persistence, challenging anyone who blocks their path. 
       When a child resorts to badgering, the goal is to wear the parent down in order to change the no answer to a yes answer. It's amazing how many different ways a child can rephrase the same question, hoping that this time it will result in a different response. Badgering is very tiring for a parent and that's probably why it works sometimes.
        Children who use badgering tend to be self-focused and can't see what their barrage of questions and comments is doing to relationships. Parents who experience this kind of tension may find it helpful to reflect their feelings in a gentle way, helping to develop the sensitivity that's desperately needed. "I'm feeling uncomfortable with your question because I think I already answered it." Or "I'm not sure how to respond here. I don't want to talk about this subject anymore but you keep bringing it up." Or, "I feel like you're running over me like a truck. Let's talk about something else before I get smashed to bits!"
        These kinds of comments can help raise the awareness level for kids and help them see that they have crossed the socially appropriate line and are now sacrificing the relationship for their issue.

TAPERING TATTLING 

If your children love to tattle on each other, have them first say something nice about whoever they are tattling on.  They would no doubt rather die than say something nice about that person at that particular time and pretty soon the tattling may lessen.

 

SCRIPTURE
Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.  Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with promise; that it may be well with you, and you may live long on the earth.  Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. - Ephesians 6:1-4

Great Mommy Tips from a Mother of Four

from Regina Landis

 

Relaxation for Mom and Playtime for Children - All at the Same Time!
Here is something I have done when my children were little:  When Mom is weary and wishes to rest, and the little ones seem to have lots of energy, I would lie on the floor, with a comfy pillow under my head, and put my arms out. The children would then drive small plastic vehicles, tractors, etc. up my arms and across my back, you can even prop your feet up on a chair, so they can go up the "hill."  I have been surprised how long they will play this.  It can be relaxing and you get a back rub to boot! 

 

Helping to Combat Sibling Rivalry

Also, to combat sibling rivalry, each child has their "week."  It is their turn to go first, pick a game, sit by mom, do the dishes, whatever was causing a squabble. This way, they each get a turn to be first, and it seems to help their respect of each other - "It's his turn, etc." No, it hasn't solved everything, but has helped a LOT in our family!

7 Special Squabble Stopping Steps

by Mrs. Lorrie Flem - www.TEACHmagazine.com - Used by permission

What's worse than fingernails scratching a blackboard? Bickering! It wears us out, wears us down, and wears our nerves ragged.

Have you tried being patient? Rational? A good listener? I know, you've been there done that!

Tell them that bickering children are special and they require special treats … otherwise known as treatment. Here are 7 Special Squabble Stopping Steps.

1.       Special Talk. Talk (don't yell, they won't hear you better) to them about the cost of bickering. It is pure stress for mom and dad, it doesn't do anything but hurt their relationship with their sibling, it is contagious for the other siblings, and it isn't fun for anyone, even the ones who are doing the bickering. Finally, remind them that God hand-picked their brothers and sisters for them because He loves them.

2.       Special Prayer. Start it off with prayer. Ask the Lord to bless this time and use it to help them remember well that bickering comes with a price tag.

3.       Special Delivery. Tie them together. Yes, I'm serious. This is a common event in our home. Fuss too much and get tied together. I tell them they can untie themselves anytime they want. All they have to do is wait until I hear genuine laughter, see sparkles in their eyes, and love and forgiveness controlling their actions.

4.       Special Jobs. When I hear bickering I usually say something like, "Wonderful! I needed to have the floor behind the toilets scrubbed so clean you would use your toothbrushes if you dropped it back there." Don't tie them together and let them go. Multi-task and give them big housecleaning jobs so they can work on the house while they work on their attitudes.

5.       Special One. If it is a case of children bickering over one thing I take that and say, "Thank you. I haven't had my own ___ for a long time." The desired item becomes mine and I make sure they see me playing with or enjoying it while they are tied together cleaning house.

6.       Special Sleep.  Peek in their eyes and look for signs of needing sleep. If they look red or watery, or have dark circles or rub them a lot, they might just need some sleep. So tie them up and lay them down and tell them you have a special job for them when they wake up to help them remember not to bicker.

7.       Special Rewards. Don't forget, sometimes bickering is a plea for "Mommy Time." After they have cut the cord that tied them together while they worked as a team I might say that we need some "Mommy Time." Now this is never going to work if you use #7 instead of but if you use it afterwards it can be very healing. Spend 15 minutes gathering the younger child close and doing something special with them. Then send them off so you can do the same with the older child.