30 Questions to Ask Your Kid Instead of “How Was Your Day?”

Sara Goldstein

http://parent.co/30-questions-to-ask-your-kid-instead-of-how-was-your-day/

When I picked my son up on his first day of 4th grade, my usual (enthusiastically delivered) question of “How was your day?” was met with his usual (indifferently delivered) “Fine.”
Come on! It’s the first day, for crying out loud! Give me something to work with, would you, kid?
The second day, my same question was answered, “Well, no one was a jerk.”
That’s good…I guess.
I suppose the problem is my own. That question is uninspired, overwhelmingly open ended, and frankly, completely boring. So as an alternative, I’ve compiled a list of questions that my kid will answer with more than a single word or grunt. In fact, he debated his response to question 8 for at least half an hour over the weekend. The jury’s out until he can organize a foot race.

Questions a kid will answer at the end of a long school day:

1. What did you eat for lunch?
2. Did you catch anyone picking their nose?
3. What games did you play at recess?
4. What was the funniest thing that happened today?
5. Did anyone do anything super nice for you?
6. What was the nicest thing you did for someone else?
7. Who made you smile today?
8. Which one of your teachers would survive a zombie apocalypse? Why?
9. What new fact did you learn today?
10. Who brought the best food in their lunch today? What was it?
11. What challenged you today?
12. If school were a ride at the fair, which ride would it be? Why?
13. What would you rate your day on a scale of 1 to 10? Why?
14. If one of your classmates could be the teacher for the day who would you want it to be? Why?
15. If you had the chance to be the teacher tomorrow, what would you teach the class?
16. Did anyone push your buttons today?
17. Who do you want to make friends with but haven’t yet? Why not?
18. What is your teacher’s most important rule?
19. What is the most popular thing to do at recess?
20. Does your teacher remind you of anyone else you know? How?
21. Tell me something you learned about a friend today.
22. If aliens came to school and beamed up 3 kids, who do you wish they would take? Why?
23. What is one thing you did today that was helpful?
24. When did you feel most proud of yourself today?
25. What rule was the hardest to follow today?
26. What is one thing you hope to learn before the school year is over?
27. Which person in your class is your exact opposite?
28. Which area of your school is the most fun?
29. Which playground skill do you plan to master this year?
30. Does anyone in your class have a hard time following the rules?

21 Questions Your Son Really Needs You to Ask Him

November 2, 2014 - by Lisa Jacobson
http://club31women.com/author/vienna
Used by permission

He is not exactly a big talker. 

That son of mine.

He is kind, thoughtful, and a man of action.

But not necessarily a talker.

More of the strong, silent type, if you know what  I mean?

And I don’t mind it so much that he doesn’t say a whole lot. I tell him that’s fine by me.

He doesn’t have to be a talker . . . but he does need to be a communicator. 

Not merely for my sake, but for the sake of his friendships and future relationships. Because even at the age of 12, this young man already knows he hopes to marry andbecome a family man someday.

Just like his dad.

And marriage requires communication.

And parenting requires communication.

And friendship requires communication.

So this sweet guy of mine is learning to communicate. We’re practicing now with our eye on the future.

And you know what I’ve found? I’ve discovered that what works the best is if I ask him the questions.

He needs me to start the conversation. 

 21 Questions Your Son Really Needs You to Ask

1. What would you say was the best day of your life so far?
2. What was the worst day of your life…and why?
3. If you could pick one meal for me to make you, what would it be?
4.  What mountain do you wish you could climb?
5.  What do you admire most about your dad?
6.   What kind of music really moves you?
7.   What is your favorite Scripture verse? And why that one?
8.  What things does your sister do that frustrate (or encourage) you?
9.  And what does your brother do that annoys (helps) you?
10.   What do you think you’d like to do for a job when you get older?
11.   Why did that (movie, song, conversation. etc) disturb you?
12.   What’s the best thing about being a part of our family?
13.   What’s the hardest part about being a middle child (or youngest, oldest, only) in our family?
14.   What sorts of things in this world make you angry? Wish you could fix?
15.   Can you describe what the perfect day would look like to you?
16.   What would you say are your top 3 movies? And what is it about them that you like?
17.   What skill do wish you could be better at? What we can do to help you improve it?
18.   What kinds of things make you want to cry?
19.   What character qualities do you especially appreciate in a friend?
20.   What do you wish I understood better about you?
21.   Do you know how much I love you?

So I ask the questions and then try to listen with all of my heart.

Because when our oldest son left for college and I asked him what was the most loving thing I’ve ever done for him as his mom?

His said it was that I listened.

I don’t want to ever forget that.

So ask your son what’s on his mind. What’s on his heart?

Then listen to what he has to say.

Communicate and build a close relationship.

He needs you, mom.

Sometimes more than he can say.

In His grace,

A Dozen Ways to Reach Your Son's Heart

by Lisa Jacobson - http://club31women.com/2013/07/a-dozen-ways-to-reach-your-sons-heart/

Used by permission  

In the September "Heart to Heart Newsletter,"  look for "A Dozen Ways to Reach Your Daughter's Heart!"

 

He was nearly sixteen.

A young man with much on his mind and much to do. His days were full with school, friends, sports, dreams and goals.

And his goal on that day was to get to the bicycle shop. So I’d offered to take him there since I had to run into town anyway.

But I was pressed for time, so the plans changed and his father said he could take him in rather than me. Problem solved. Then imagine my surprise when I watched our son’s face fall. He was going to be able to get his bike fixed – didn’t he understand that?

He explained rather quietly, “But I was looking forward to the time with you, Mom.”

Me?? His mom? His answer caught me so off-guard, I couldn’t speak for a moment or two. But when I finally found my voice, I immediately changed plans. One more time.

I’ll take you, Son. Let’s go. Right now. I’ve got all the time you need.

 

I realized now that this wasn’t as much about a mountain bike, as it was about a young man’s heart. A young man who was looking for some time together. And a mom who’d been too busy and distracted to see it.

 

How does a mom reach her son’s heart?

1. Communicate confidence. Boys grow strong when they have someone who is confident in their abilities. They step out and take off when they sense your faith in them.

2. Give him space. A mom can’t hover over her boy. He needs a little room – room to grow and to try things out on his own.

3. Show some respect. It’s important to never belittle him or make him feel small in any way. Even little men need to have some basic respect.

4. Cheer him on. Until that guy marries, I hope to be his biggest fan (then she can take over from there). I’ll cheer loudly and enthusiastically whenever and wherever I can.

5. Be available. At times just being there means the most. You’re standing by – in case he ever needs something. Time, advice, sympathy, or encouragement: it’s waiting there for when he’s looking for it.

6. Take an interest. In his interests. What are his hobbies? What does he like learning about? Spend time doing? Whether lizards, space travel, or Airsoft (all of which I know way more about than I’d ever wanted to ) – make it your area of interest too.

7. Listen quietly. More than anything. He doesn’t need you to talk nearly as much as he needs you to listen (more on that here).

8. Give him grace. I don’t know quite how to say this, but sometimes sons do stupid things. And we can become discouraged, or disappointed in them. But they need to feel our full forgiveness and have the chance to try again.

9. Believe the best. Let’s have great expectations for our sons. Let’s believe they’re going to go far and have high hopes for them.

10. Take him out. Our little boys keep very careful track on whose turn it is next to have a “date” with mom. I’ll grab one when I’m going out on an errand, then pick up an ice-cream cone or swing by the library. Our eldest likes the ribs at Baldy’s Barbecue.

11. Lighten up. Laugh at his antics and smile at his sweetness. Enjoy the boy he is and the man he’s becoming. Make sure he knows you delight in him. Just the way he is.

12. Pray for him. He needs his mother’s prayers. Pray for protection, for purity, for God’s purpose to be carried out. There’s probably no more important ministry a mom can have in her son’s life.

 

That sixteen-year-old is now 19 and living and working across the country – a sophomore at college – and we only get to see him once or twice a year. But we always welcome his emails, Skype and phone calls. It’s so good to hear all about his world and what’s on his heart.

Certainly, good for this mama’s heart.

Missing you, Son.

In His grace,
Lisa Jacobson

Three Good Ideas for Communication

April 22, 2011 - This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. You can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org. What are some helpful communication rules in your family? Click here to tell us about it. Used by permission

Learn How to Start
The way you present an issue often determines the response. Sometimes it's best to address a problem immediately, while other times waiting a few hours is more appropriate. Wisely choose a time, place, and approach with the goal of not just rebuking, but correcting, and finding resolution. "Lisa, I'd like to talk about the way you treated me earlier. Is now a good time or should we talk after dinner?"

Learn When to Stop
Once a dialogue has developed, have discernment to know when to stop. Some parents feel like they must win an argument or come to resolution by the end of the conversation so they end up pushing too hard. Other times emotions get too involved. Still other parents end a simple correction with preaching, bringing up the past, or making exaggerated statements about the offense.

In any case, it's important for parents to know when to take a break or simply stop the conversation. "I think we better stop here. Things are getting pretty tense. We need to continue this conversation, but let's take a break for now. Maybe we'll think of some other ideas in the meantime to help resolve this problem." Learning when to stop during conflict is a very important skill.

Learn How to Listen

Conflict represents opportunity. Children watch parents handle conflict and observe how they resolve differences. Listening and affirming a young person's thinking is an honoring step in conflict management.

"I understand you'd discipline your sister differently. Your ideas make sense. At this point, I have to make the decision and I'm going to emphasize something different, but I appreciate your ideas." Affirming or validating a child's thinking or reasoning is helpful for their development.

As you dialogue with your kids, you must learn to tolerate criticism. Many discussions you have will open the door for your teen to criticize you. Don't feel threatened or take these jabs personally. Use them to discuss issues and explain your decisions. If you can be transparent enough to use yourself as an example, your children will learn much more about life.

10 Ways to Get Your Kids to Talk to You

by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC - http://www.markbrandenburg.com - Used by permission

Parents can often be frustrated by their kids' unwillingness to share their lives with them. Whether your kids are toddlers or teens, there will be times when it's difficult to "break through" and find out what's really going on. Here are ten ideas on how to create opportunities for your kids to open up and share their lives with you.

1. Don't try so hard to get them to talk.
The harder you try to get them to talk, the more they'll resist you. When you relax the pressure a bit, they'll sense it and be more ready to talk to you.

2. Slow down your own life and be available.
Kids have a keen sense of how busy you are. If you're providing enough down time for you and your kids, they'll be more likely to feel comfortable talking to you.

3. Engage in a physical activity that they enjoy.
Shooting baskets, playing soccer, or a game of catch may have your child chattering away. Moving the body can serve to move the mouth as well!

4. Be as non-judgmental as possible.
If your kids feel they won't be judged when they talk to you they'll have no reason to hold back. Have a sense of curiosity and wonder about what they're saying, and limit the lectures about what's right or wrong.

5. Use open-ended questions.
Questions that begin with "why" tend to create defensiveness, and yes or no questions won't get you much of a response. Learn to use questions that will stimulate conversation. "What did you notice about that picture?" works better than, "Did you like that picture?"

6. Use the car as a place for conversation.
You've got them and they can't get out! Don't allow video games or other toys to interfere with your opportunity to talk with them.

7. Reflect back what you hear from them.
It's still the best way for your kids to feel heard and the best way to encourage them to expand on the subject.

8. Talk to them while they're coloring, painting, or drawing.
Using these activities to allow your kids to express themselves can have them expressing themselves to you as well. And joining in on the activity yourself can produce an even greater sense of connection and sharing.

9. Provide opportunities for fun and excitement.
Whatever the activity, when your kids are doing something they love to do they'll want to share it with you. Provide these for your kids and listen to them talk about it afterward!

10. Be a parent, but be a friend as well.
While you must be a parent first, being a friend to your kids will help them to want to share with you. Don't overdo the strict parental stuff.

About the Author: Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, coaches busy parents by phone to balance their life and improve their family relationships. For a FR.EE twenty minute sample session by phone; ebooks, courses, articles, and a FR.EE newsletter, go to http://www.markbrandenburg.com.