by Diane Fenlason - Used by permission
Note from Lois: I am so blessed to have Diane as my niece!
For every mother, there is a story. I know no mother who has not been through a battle while on her journey. For each mother, the journey is personal and unique, but she is not the first mother to have endured that type of journey, and will not be the last. I think I have been in many different motherhood shoes as I have walked through these years of my life, and I want to share some of my heart as it pertains to such a special day. A day that can be so PAINFUL to some of us.
I have been a young married woman who miscarried. I was hopeful that I was pregnant, and expecting a child. I could feel my body beginning to make some changes, even though it was very early in the pregnancy. The excitement was building. And then, very suddenly, he or she was gone. Devastated. Sad. Wondering if the baby would’ve been a boy or girl.
I am a woman who would deal for years with infertility, finally being told by the specialist that I just couldn’t conceive, for reasons that were not apparent. I routinely and, with hope in my heart, went through several rounds of fertility treatments. I waited with impatience through weeks that seemed to last an eternity for the doctor to say “YES, you are pregnant! It worked!” But each time, I was met by a silent shake of the head from the nurse to say that I was not pregnant. The hope of having a baby died more each time it failed.
I am a woman who came to terms with the idea that I would probably never have children. Maybe that wasn’t what the Lord wanted from me. I pleaded with God to take the desire away from me if He was calling me to do something different with my life than to be a mother. It hurt. No less than cutting out a piece of my heart.
I am a woman who became an adoptive mother. Twice! I remember wondering if I could love a child that I would adopt as much as I could love a biological child. As soon as she was placed in my arms, She. Was. Mine. The child of my heart, physically given life by another. The complete, crazy joy I felt somehow melded into one with the complete sadness that must’ve been within the birth mother’s soul that day. I wondered how it would be to be able to say “thank you” to that woman I would never know. How do you say thank you for such a gift?
The second time I became an adoptive mom, I was able to sit arm in arm with the birth mom. I was able to hear his heartbeat from inside the womb during her last OB appointment. I was able to spend a lot of time with her after she gave birth, and before bringing our new, tiny blue bundle home. Yes, I was joyful. But I was in awe of this woman who said she had prayed that God would provide a mother who would teach her baby, as he grew, about God. This woman who looked me in the eye and said, “You are the one I prayed for!” As she and I dressed him for the trip home from the hospital, and we hugged one another, I whispered in her ear that I would always honor her, and that I loved her and he would grow up knowing his story. Her life choices had led her to this moment, and it was unbelievable the pain, sorrow, joy and hope that hit me all at the same time. And finally…….I knew what it was like to be able to thank the one who carried her child – my child – and placed him in my arms to raise. It was a moment I will never forget.
I am a woman who was a single mom. When these two children were young, my first husband made the decision to leave the marriage. While I didn’t realize it at the time, at least not fully, he had left the marriage very early on. The divorce was a formality for him at that point, I suppose. But it was devastating. I didn’t get married for this. I got married for life. I was committed. I was faithful. I loved. But now, I was alone with two children. And I was angry at God. Angry that He allowed this to happen. Angry that now my kids didn’t have a father who was present in their life. At least not in the way I thought it was supposed to be. It was hard. I suddenly found myself not fitting in. Most of my close friends were couples. Now I was feeling like a 3rd wheel. I didn’t fit with singles, because I was older and had kids, and no singles group I knew then was comprised of 30-something women with kids. I didn’t fit at church. My church didn’t even know what to do with me. I still served. I was still faithfully attending. But there was a strange silence around me, like no one knew what to say. But I realized the answer was not to leave the church out of my discomfort. It was to stay and to allow God to grow and use me in ways that I never imagined. To model for my children what faithfulness and accountability looked like when life was hard. And, with time, healing came.
Then, the Lord brought an amazing man into my life. A single dad. We realized that this was a divine appointment for each of our lives, and he asked me to be his wife. I realized that this man 1)Truly loved the Lord and wanted Him to be #1 and 2) Truly loved me in a way that made me see Christ’s love for His church. We had our eyes wide open to the challenging road that lay before us in “blending” a family, but nonetheless, God led us here, and who were we to say no to His leading?
I am a stepmom. Like most blended families, we struggle with kids going back and forth between households, and the challenge of creating consistency along with helping the kids to adjust whenever they come back home, since rules and the way of life in the other households are so different. It’s hard when you are the mom of the household, but not everyone calls you “Mom.” However, my calling to be a mom to my stepson is just as real as my calling to be a mom to the other kids. I ask God for grace on this task every day, and ask Him to keep strengthening the relationship I have with every one of my kids. And, just as a bonus tip: I have learned that “Blended Family” is really a misnomer. Bringing two broken families together is more like taking pieces of two different shattered vases, and trying to create a whole new vase (or something that resembles it) out of all the shards. It is time consuming, messy, and doesn’t always look good. But the reward is to hopefully end up with a vessel that will be used for something beautiful. I pray that our “glued together pieces” will be that kind of vessel.
And….I am a woman who, at 40, after believing my life was very full, and that God had made me mom to three great kids, found out that we were expecting. What?!?! We were so surprised, and recognized the fact that God does have a sense of humor, and a timing that is all His own. And, that timing is PERFECT. Our youngest is a constant reminder of God’s grace lavished on us. We borrow our children for a time, but they are all gifts from our Heavenly Father. Treasures from Heaven.
If you have gotten through today’s celebration of motherhood feeling some degree of hurt, disappointment, or with a reminder of what you feel that you are missing…..YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is a lonely place. I recognize that. I have felt that. But never let the enemy convince you that you should continue to feel alone.
One of the greatest things about God’s grace is that when we are weakest, His grace can lend us strength. When we think we are in a hopeless situation, He IS our hope. When we feel that we aren’t complete, we can find comfort that He alone makes us complete.
Before I was a mother, I was a mother-at-heart. God put that deep desire within me to be a mom. Maybe that is where you are today. Perhaps your desire to become a mother has gone unfulfilled. Or maybe you are a dear mother who has lost a child. Or perhaps you are parenting in a difficult situation, or with a wayward child whose rebellion has broken your heart into a gazillion pieces.
Take heart. Your journey is just that. A journey. You are not done, and your story is not finished being written. If the Lord has put within your heart the desire to be a mother, then go and do the work of motherhood. If you haven’t been gifted with children of your own at this point, be a woman who graces others with love for their children. Some of the most influential women in my life have actually been single women who have loved on my kids and have been role models of faithful followers of Christ. Do not become isolated in the false belief that you are on a road without companions. There are many of us. Some who are on that difficult road right now, others who have been for a long time and are tired and weary, and some of us who have gotten a little farther along and can remember well the hardships. And yet, we can see how God’s mercy and grace met us where we were. He can meet you there, too. All of us have our own story, but we are not meant to deal with these challenges alone.
I celebrate motherhood. Not all mothers have children standing beside them. But mothers do know within their hearts that the unwavering love of a mother is there. I applaud your courage. I acknowledge the depth of your hurt when this day comes and you find it excruciating. I get it. Reach out. Find a woman who can help you see God’s grace to bring you through and help you to thrive in His joy and His completion of you. There will come a day will you will be able to pour out into others, too. You will be able to say, “I was a woman who was there, where you are. Look what God did in me!”
My sister, it is ALL God’s grace. It’s all for His glory. If I had never had any children, I would hope that God’s grace could be seen through me, and that He would have me poured out into little lives somehow. But for now, I pray that as I get up each morning and my feet hit the floor, I would be a better momma to my four kids. That I would be more patient. That I wouldn’t get mad at the kids when they start to bicker with each other. That I would still want to serve them breakfast, even when I don’t feel thanked or appreciated. That I would take every opportunity I have today to teach and train these precious children that God has entrusted to my love and care.
I pray for you, wherever you are in your journey. I don’t understand why but one thing I do hold to: The Lord has a plan and purpose in everything He allows. Good and bad, joyous or heart wrenching; He can use it all for His honor and glory. He has a perfect and good plan for you! He really does! Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans for you says the Lord; plans to prosper you, not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.”
So, dear sister, if you are looking down at your feet today, discouraged at where you are, realize that the Lord sees the many steps ahead of those feet, and He is there to walk with you. We can’t see very far ahead. But we can trust the One who does. Grip His hand, and hold tightly!
Have a blessed day, to all the mothers and mothers-at-heart! You are amazing!
Diane Fenlason
Email: BusyMami@msn.com
Note from Lois: I am so blessed to have Diane as my niece!
For every mother, there is a story. I know no mother who has not been through a battle while on her journey. For each mother, the journey is personal and unique, but she is not the first mother to have endured that type of journey, and will not be the last. I think I have been in many different motherhood shoes as I have walked through these years of my life, and I want to share some of my heart as it pertains to such a special day. A day that can be so PAINFUL to some of us.
I have been a young married woman who miscarried. I was hopeful that I was pregnant, and expecting a child. I could feel my body beginning to make some changes, even though it was very early in the pregnancy. The excitement was building. And then, very suddenly, he or she was gone. Devastated. Sad. Wondering if the baby would’ve been a boy or girl.
I am a woman who would deal for years with infertility, finally being told by the specialist that I just couldn’t conceive, for reasons that were not apparent. I routinely and, with hope in my heart, went through several rounds of fertility treatments. I waited with impatience through weeks that seemed to last an eternity for the doctor to say “YES, you are pregnant! It worked!” But each time, I was met by a silent shake of the head from the nurse to say that I was not pregnant. The hope of having a baby died more each time it failed.
I am a woman who came to terms with the idea that I would probably never have children. Maybe that wasn’t what the Lord wanted from me. I pleaded with God to take the desire away from me if He was calling me to do something different with my life than to be a mother. It hurt. No less than cutting out a piece of my heart.
I am a woman who became an adoptive mother. Twice! I remember wondering if I could love a child that I would adopt as much as I could love a biological child. As soon as she was placed in my arms, She. Was. Mine. The child of my heart, physically given life by another. The complete, crazy joy I felt somehow melded into one with the complete sadness that must’ve been within the birth mother’s soul that day. I wondered how it would be to be able to say “thank you” to that woman I would never know. How do you say thank you for such a gift?
The second time I became an adoptive mom, I was able to sit arm in arm with the birth mom. I was able to hear his heartbeat from inside the womb during her last OB appointment. I was able to spend a lot of time with her after she gave birth, and before bringing our new, tiny blue bundle home. Yes, I was joyful. But I was in awe of this woman who said she had prayed that God would provide a mother who would teach her baby, as he grew, about God. This woman who looked me in the eye and said, “You are the one I prayed for!” As she and I dressed him for the trip home from the hospital, and we hugged one another, I whispered in her ear that I would always honor her, and that I loved her and he would grow up knowing his story. Her life choices had led her to this moment, and it was unbelievable the pain, sorrow, joy and hope that hit me all at the same time. And finally…….I knew what it was like to be able to thank the one who carried her child – my child – and placed him in my arms to raise. It was a moment I will never forget.
I am a woman who was a single mom. When these two children were young, my first husband made the decision to leave the marriage. While I didn’t realize it at the time, at least not fully, he had left the marriage very early on. The divorce was a formality for him at that point, I suppose. But it was devastating. I didn’t get married for this. I got married for life. I was committed. I was faithful. I loved. But now, I was alone with two children. And I was angry at God. Angry that He allowed this to happen. Angry that now my kids didn’t have a father who was present in their life. At least not in the way I thought it was supposed to be. It was hard. I suddenly found myself not fitting in. Most of my close friends were couples. Now I was feeling like a 3rd wheel. I didn’t fit with singles, because I was older and had kids, and no singles group I knew then was comprised of 30-something women with kids. I didn’t fit at church. My church didn’t even know what to do with me. I still served. I was still faithfully attending. But there was a strange silence around me, like no one knew what to say. But I realized the answer was not to leave the church out of my discomfort. It was to stay and to allow God to grow and use me in ways that I never imagined. To model for my children what faithfulness and accountability looked like when life was hard. And, with time, healing came.
Then, the Lord brought an amazing man into my life. A single dad. We realized that this was a divine appointment for each of our lives, and he asked me to be his wife. I realized that this man 1)Truly loved the Lord and wanted Him to be #1 and 2) Truly loved me in a way that made me see Christ’s love for His church. We had our eyes wide open to the challenging road that lay before us in “blending” a family, but nonetheless, God led us here, and who were we to say no to His leading?
I am a stepmom. Like most blended families, we struggle with kids going back and forth between households, and the challenge of creating consistency along with helping the kids to adjust whenever they come back home, since rules and the way of life in the other households are so different. It’s hard when you are the mom of the household, but not everyone calls you “Mom.” However, my calling to be a mom to my stepson is just as real as my calling to be a mom to the other kids. I ask God for grace on this task every day, and ask Him to keep strengthening the relationship I have with every one of my kids. And, just as a bonus tip: I have learned that “Blended Family” is really a misnomer. Bringing two broken families together is more like taking pieces of two different shattered vases, and trying to create a whole new vase (or something that resembles it) out of all the shards. It is time consuming, messy, and doesn’t always look good. But the reward is to hopefully end up with a vessel that will be used for something beautiful. I pray that our “glued together pieces” will be that kind of vessel.
And….I am a woman who, at 40, after believing my life was very full, and that God had made me mom to three great kids, found out that we were expecting. What?!?! We were so surprised, and recognized the fact that God does have a sense of humor, and a timing that is all His own. And, that timing is PERFECT. Our youngest is a constant reminder of God’s grace lavished on us. We borrow our children for a time, but they are all gifts from our Heavenly Father. Treasures from Heaven.
If you have gotten through today’s celebration of motherhood feeling some degree of hurt, disappointment, or with a reminder of what you feel that you are missing…..YOU ARE NOT ALONE. It is a lonely place. I recognize that. I have felt that. But never let the enemy convince you that you should continue to feel alone.
One of the greatest things about God’s grace is that when we are weakest, His grace can lend us strength. When we think we are in a hopeless situation, He IS our hope. When we feel that we aren’t complete, we can find comfort that He alone makes us complete.
Before I was a mother, I was a mother-at-heart. God put that deep desire within me to be a mom. Maybe that is where you are today. Perhaps your desire to become a mother has gone unfulfilled. Or maybe you are a dear mother who has lost a child. Or perhaps you are parenting in a difficult situation, or with a wayward child whose rebellion has broken your heart into a gazillion pieces.
Take heart. Your journey is just that. A journey. You are not done, and your story is not finished being written. If the Lord has put within your heart the desire to be a mother, then go and do the work of motherhood. If you haven’t been gifted with children of your own at this point, be a woman who graces others with love for their children. Some of the most influential women in my life have actually been single women who have loved on my kids and have been role models of faithful followers of Christ. Do not become isolated in the false belief that you are on a road without companions. There are many of us. Some who are on that difficult road right now, others who have been for a long time and are tired and weary, and some of us who have gotten a little farther along and can remember well the hardships. And yet, we can see how God’s mercy and grace met us where we were. He can meet you there, too. All of us have our own story, but we are not meant to deal with these challenges alone.
I celebrate motherhood. Not all mothers have children standing beside them. But mothers do know within their hearts that the unwavering love of a mother is there. I applaud your courage. I acknowledge the depth of your hurt when this day comes and you find it excruciating. I get it. Reach out. Find a woman who can help you see God’s grace to bring you through and help you to thrive in His joy and His completion of you. There will come a day will you will be able to pour out into others, too. You will be able to say, “I was a woman who was there, where you are. Look what God did in me!”
My sister, it is ALL God’s grace. It’s all for His glory. If I had never had any children, I would hope that God’s grace could be seen through me, and that He would have me poured out into little lives somehow. But for now, I pray that as I get up each morning and my feet hit the floor, I would be a better momma to my four kids. That I would be more patient. That I wouldn’t get mad at the kids when they start to bicker with each other. That I would still want to serve them breakfast, even when I don’t feel thanked or appreciated. That I would take every opportunity I have today to teach and train these precious children that God has entrusted to my love and care.
I pray for you, wherever you are in your journey. I don’t understand why but one thing I do hold to: The Lord has a plan and purpose in everything He allows. Good and bad, joyous or heart wrenching; He can use it all for His honor and glory. He has a perfect and good plan for you! He really does! Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans for you says the Lord; plans to prosper you, not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.”
So, dear sister, if you are looking down at your feet today, discouraged at where you are, realize that the Lord sees the many steps ahead of those feet, and He is there to walk with you. We can’t see very far ahead. But we can trust the One who does. Grip His hand, and hold tightly!
Have a blessed day, to all the mothers and mothers-at-heart! You are amazing!
Diane Fenlason
Email: BusyMami@msn.com
