Ten Things I Want My Son to Know

by Jennie Scott  ~  http://www.jenniegscott.com/
Used by permission

Note from Lois: Much applies to daughters as well.

OK, son. You're in that weird stage right now where you're technically not a teenager yet, but you're not a little kid anymore, either. I know it's super strange. Your body is changing, your voice is sounding different, and your brain is struggling to keep up. The next few years are going to be different for both you and for me. I've been thinking about some things you should know, and while this list is definitely not exhaustive, I figure it's a good start.

Deodorant and foot washing are not optional. Ever. They're just not. As your body changes (you'll learn this in sex-ed), your hormones go berserk, and you. will. stink. You already do. (No offense.) It's not your fault, and it's nothing to be ashamed of, but Lord have mercy, it is something you can control. The deodorant is in the top bathroom drawer (I'm assuming you forgot?) and foot washing involves soap. With a washcloth. And a vigorous scrubbing motion. No, you cannot count standing in the soap suds on the shower floor. Not sufficient. Scrub those stink cells off your feet. Then repeat.  

• You won't always (or maybe ever) be the best athlete on your team, but you are overqualified to work your {tail end} off. If I ever see you being the last one to get to the line, or if you think it's acceptable to saunter off the field, you will hear my screech from the stands and feel my wrath at home. Your coaches should all say the same thing - "Man, is that kid a hard worker." I'll be more proud to hear that than to hear you're the top hitter. Seriously. Work ethic matters more than your stats. 
• Don't ever get too cool to read good books. I know that somewhere in middle school, many guys stop liking to read. (And as a former teacher, I know it's because we educators start assigning books and forcing you to read what you hate. But I digress.) You love to read right now, and the books on your shelves have taught you so many things you can't learn in school. Reading opens doors to worlds you need to see. A man who doesn't read is often a man whose mind is closed. Don't be that man.
• Your world is going to open up in the next few years. I want you to venture into it and explore what it has to offer, but I want you to do it in the confines of what we've taught you matters. I want to live in the limits of the values we hold. This means you won't do everything that others do. You won't go everywhere they go, and you won't say/think/drink/experiment with everything they do. There is no shame in standing on your own. There is no shame is saying that something's not for you. There is great shame in realizing you've violated your own standards. Remember who you are. 
• Nothing is off limits when it comes to approaching me. If you have questions about something, you can ask me. It might embarrass us both or make me cringe, but who better than someone who loves you to see your face turn red? If you've done something wrong, I am still here. My love is not dependent on your choices, and though I'll be praying you make the right ones, if you don't, you can still come to me. Our home is your home base, and it is your safe place. 
• Keep asking me to scratch your back at night. I know I get annoyed when you ask for 5 more minutes every single night, and I know I always say I'm ready to go to bed, too, but that time with you is my favorite. It's just us, and when you're facing the wall, you often open up and tell me things that I wouldn't otherwise know. It lets me know you need me, and there's nothing a mom needs more.
• Your outfit doesn't all have to be the same color. Seriously. If you're wearing a red shirt, your shorts don't have to be red, too. Variety is the spice of life, bud. Look at the color wheel and learn about complementary colors. Your future wife will be so impressed if you can pick out your own clothes. Trust me on this one.
• I will never stop giving you chores. You've been putting your laundry away for years, and hauling out the trash and cutting the grass aren't going away either. As you get older, your responsibilities will only increase. It's preparing you for life outside our house. Get used to it.
• No, you still can't have a phone. I know. I'm mean and everyone else already has one. Too bad. God didn't tell me to make you happy, and what everyone else has is not my concern. Unlimited technology does nothing to give you the character you need, and it opens up a world you are SO not ready to enter. (I'm 36 and not ready for it either.) My calling as a mother is to help you discover your calling, and scrolling through selfies on Instagram isn't it. Friends in real life are more valuable than likes on social media. And no, I don't know when you can have one. Maybe when you actually start putting your laundry IN the basket instead of on your floor. Baby steps, son. Baby steps.
• I love you like nobody's business, but understand here and now that you will not be a 30 year old man living in my basement playing video games. You are expected to be educated for a job or trained in a skill that can provide you with housing and food. I will do everything in my power to aid you to this end, but at some point you will leave the nest. Even if it's my foot kicking your backside out. There is nothing healthy about an adult refusing to be an adult, and in this house you will not be enabled to stay a child. Nope. Forget about it. I will not do for a man what he can do for himself. I love you, but I will also love coming to your house to visit.

So there you go, babe. Just some nuggets of wisdom for your preteen self. We're headed into uncharted waters for our family, but we're in it together. Unless you forget your deodorant. Then it's every man for himself.

21 Questions Your Son Really Needs You to Ask Him

November 2, 2014 - by Lisa Jacobson
http://club31women.com/author/vienna
Used by permission

He is not exactly a big talker. 

That son of mine.

He is kind, thoughtful, and a man of action.

But not necessarily a talker.

More of the strong, silent type, if you know what  I mean?

And I don’t mind it so much that he doesn’t say a whole lot. I tell him that’s fine by me.

He doesn’t have to be a talker . . . but he does need to be a communicator. 

Not merely for my sake, but for the sake of his friendships and future relationships. Because even at the age of 12, this young man already knows he hopes to marry andbecome a family man someday.

Just like his dad.

And marriage requires communication.

And parenting requires communication.

And friendship requires communication.

So this sweet guy of mine is learning to communicate. We’re practicing now with our eye on the future.

And you know what I’ve found? I’ve discovered that what works the best is if I ask him the questions.

He needs me to start the conversation. 

 21 Questions Your Son Really Needs You to Ask

1. What would you say was the best day of your life so far?
2. What was the worst day of your life…and why?
3. If you could pick one meal for me to make you, what would it be?
4.  What mountain do you wish you could climb?
5.  What do you admire most about your dad?
6.   What kind of music really moves you?
7.   What is your favorite Scripture verse? And why that one?
8.  What things does your sister do that frustrate (or encourage) you?
9.  And what does your brother do that annoys (helps) you?
10.   What do you think you’d like to do for a job when you get older?
11.   Why did that (movie, song, conversation. etc) disturb you?
12.   What’s the best thing about being a part of our family?
13.   What’s the hardest part about being a middle child (or youngest, oldest, only) in our family?
14.   What sorts of things in this world make you angry? Wish you could fix?
15.   Can you describe what the perfect day would look like to you?
16.   What would you say are your top 3 movies? And what is it about them that you like?
17.   What skill do wish you could be better at? What we can do to help you improve it?
18.   What kinds of things make you want to cry?
19.   What character qualities do you especially appreciate in a friend?
20.   What do you wish I understood better about you?
21.   Do you know how much I love you?

So I ask the questions and then try to listen with all of my heart.

Because when our oldest son left for college and I asked him what was the most loving thing I’ve ever done for him as his mom?

His said it was that I listened.

I don’t want to ever forget that.

So ask your son what’s on his mind. What’s on his heart?

Then listen to what he has to say.

Communicate and build a close relationship.

He needs you, mom.

Sometimes more than he can say.

In His grace,

A Dozen Ways to Reach Your Son's Heart

by Lisa Jacobson - http://club31women.com/2013/07/a-dozen-ways-to-reach-your-sons-heart/

Used by permission  

In the September "Heart to Heart Newsletter,"  look for "A Dozen Ways to Reach Your Daughter's Heart!"

 

He was nearly sixteen.

A young man with much on his mind and much to do. His days were full with school, friends, sports, dreams and goals.

And his goal on that day was to get to the bicycle shop. So I’d offered to take him there since I had to run into town anyway.

But I was pressed for time, so the plans changed and his father said he could take him in rather than me. Problem solved. Then imagine my surprise when I watched our son’s face fall. He was going to be able to get his bike fixed – didn’t he understand that?

He explained rather quietly, “But I was looking forward to the time with you, Mom.”

Me?? His mom? His answer caught me so off-guard, I couldn’t speak for a moment or two. But when I finally found my voice, I immediately changed plans. One more time.

I’ll take you, Son. Let’s go. Right now. I’ve got all the time you need.

 

I realized now that this wasn’t as much about a mountain bike, as it was about a young man’s heart. A young man who was looking for some time together. And a mom who’d been too busy and distracted to see it.

 

How does a mom reach her son’s heart?

1. Communicate confidence. Boys grow strong when they have someone who is confident in their abilities. They step out and take off when they sense your faith in them.

2. Give him space. A mom can’t hover over her boy. He needs a little room – room to grow and to try things out on his own.

3. Show some respect. It’s important to never belittle him or make him feel small in any way. Even little men need to have some basic respect.

4. Cheer him on. Until that guy marries, I hope to be his biggest fan (then she can take over from there). I’ll cheer loudly and enthusiastically whenever and wherever I can.

5. Be available. At times just being there means the most. You’re standing by – in case he ever needs something. Time, advice, sympathy, or encouragement: it’s waiting there for when he’s looking for it.

6. Take an interest. In his interests. What are his hobbies? What does he like learning about? Spend time doing? Whether lizards, space travel, or Airsoft (all of which I know way more about than I’d ever wanted to ) – make it your area of interest too.

7. Listen quietly. More than anything. He doesn’t need you to talk nearly as much as he needs you to listen (more on that here).

8. Give him grace. I don’t know quite how to say this, but sometimes sons do stupid things. And we can become discouraged, or disappointed in them. But they need to feel our full forgiveness and have the chance to try again.

9. Believe the best. Let’s have great expectations for our sons. Let’s believe they’re going to go far and have high hopes for them.

10. Take him out. Our little boys keep very careful track on whose turn it is next to have a “date” with mom. I’ll grab one when I’m going out on an errand, then pick up an ice-cream cone or swing by the library. Our eldest likes the ribs at Baldy’s Barbecue.

11. Lighten up. Laugh at his antics and smile at his sweetness. Enjoy the boy he is and the man he’s becoming. Make sure he knows you delight in him. Just the way he is.

12. Pray for him. He needs his mother’s prayers. Pray for protection, for purity, for God’s purpose to be carried out. There’s probably no more important ministry a mom can have in her son’s life.

 

That sixteen-year-old is now 19 and living and working across the country – a sophomore at college – and we only get to see him once or twice a year. But we always welcome his emails, Skype and phone calls. It’s so good to hear all about his world and what’s on his heart.

Certainly, good for this mama’s heart.

Missing you, Son.

In His grace,
Lisa Jacobson