The Best Marriage Advice

Prayer of Hannah: The best marriage advice given to me...

 

http://prayerofhannah.blogspot.com
by Meagan DeLong - Used by permission

 

While a lot of people struggle the first year of marriage, Mark and I found that having children placed a lot more stress on our marriage than the craziness of our first few years together. I had been waiting my whole life to have a husband to love and serve and joyfully accepted the challenges that marriage threw my way. We were blessed to have a relatively easy and happy first year of marriage. However, once I had a baby, things changed. He was no longer the only person I was taking care of and it just wasn't the same. I was too exhausted to want to fix him a late night snack (with all the accompanying dishes) or attend his evening basketball game and hang out at a restaurant afterwards, or give him a massage at any hour of the night, or all those other fun things we did together when we were first married. We were both excited about the baby and he took it well and was a great help and never complained, but things were definitely not the same. And that is ok; there is no doubt in my mind that our precious children are worth it! But it just means that we have to work a lot harder on our marriage now than we did back then when it was just us.

 

So honestly, the best marriage advice I ever received actually sounds a lot like parenting advice because the two definitely go hand in hand: give the children an early bedtime! On a normal night, we try to have all the kids in bed by 7:00 so that we can have a good three hours to get ourselves organized for the next day and hang out together -- plenty of time to watch a movie together or have a date night or just chat on the couch. Usually Mark gets home sometime between 5:30 and 6:00 and we eat dinner together. Then the girls pick out a game to play with Daddy for about 20-30 minutes and then we start our bedtime routine of potty-time, pajamas, singing, Bible stories, memorizing Scripture, and prayers. And off they go to bed around 7:00. It may sound like they don't get to see him that long at night, but it is very focused, personal, quality time together -- he is not distracted by the TV, computer, cell phone, or anything else and they receive his full attention. They also get to play with him again in the morning between 8 and 9:30 before he goes to work. And he usually spends his day off with them, running my errands, taking them to story time at the library, and playing outside with them. But the evenings are for us to enjoy together.

 

Lest you think we are being too selfish, let me assure you that my girls actually normally sleep from 7pm to at least 7:30am and truly seem to need it. We definitely observe more grumpiness and meltdowns on the days following nights that we allow them to stay up late for one reason or another (grandparents visiting, social activity, etc). They also thrive on a routine and look forward to their Daddy playtime each evening and enjoy our bedtime ritual. On nights when we are out and about before bedtime and don't have time to do our entire routine, it is much harder to get them to bed without fussing and meltdowns. But if we stick to our routine, there is rarely a difficult evening.

 

Now I know that an early bedtime might not work for different families with vastly different work schedules, but my point is really to just make sure that you carve out some regular time with your spouse each day. The advice given to me was to give the children an early bedtime and it has really worked well for our family. But maybe instead of putting the kids to bed early and hanging out you might need to get up a little before them in the morning to have time together or plan regular lunch dates if your kids are up early for school. Feel free to comment and share about how you make time with your husband after having kids!

Bedtime Resistance Remedy

by Brenda Nixon, M.A. -  © 2002/2005 Brenda Nixon (www.brendanixon.com).

Reprinted with permission from the author - All rights reserved

If you haven't been frazzled by a preschooler who resists going to bed, you're probably not a parent. My younger daughter, Laura, was the Queen of Stall. I defined bedtime as being in bed - with both legs - and lights out. Laura defined it as time to begin getting ready for going to bed. And while getting ready she'd suddenly get an attack of janitoritis and clean her room, neatly fold clothes that had lain under the bed for days, or organize her stuffed animals. Once in bed, she'd jump up with, "I want a drink," or "I forgot to brush my teeth," or the most famous, "I got a kingernail," (fingernail) which one of us would have to clip before she could relax into slumber. My husband or I would holler, "Go to bed!" a dozen times every night.

Kids Need their Sleep!

With all my education in child development, the mother in me still fell prey to my daughter's manipulation. I knew in my head that this age dawdles. And I knew preschoolers are great at charming their parents. And I knew they love being in the center of the action. If an older sibling is watching TV, Dad is working in the garage, or you have company, the three to five-year-old will find endless reasons to resist separating for bed. But preschoolers need 11-12 hours total sleep in a 24-hour cycle. That can include a nap. Half of all preschoolers still need a daily nap. When they are rested they have more energy to grow and learn. So even if my heart said, "Let her stay up," my head said, "Get her in bed and keep her there." Parenting power is knowing something and putting it into practice.

Finding a Key Motivator.

What did my husband and I do? Laura loved going to sleep with the hallway light shining in her room. So we bought a dimmer switch and installed it in her room. Then we explained that instead of the hallway light she could dim the bedroom light to go to sleep. We wanted Laura to sense her ability to sleep alone. So we told her that she could control the level of darkness in her room only if she went to bed on time and stayed there. Then we added, "If you get out of bed we turn off the light."

Of course the first night she had to challenge our word -- and the light was turned off. The second night the dimmer switch was lowered once. The third night, Laura went to bed quickly and stayed there. For a long time all we had to remind was, "Stay in bed or I'm turning off the light." We used something important to our daughter so she'd be more committed to changing her behavior. 

Dr. Richard Ferber, author of Solve You Child's Sleep Problems (Simon & Schuster), advises closing the bedroom door for a minute. He says that parents can talk through the door to reassure their child. This method works successfully for many families. Personally, I felt that would have isolated Laura, deepening her resistance to being separated. 

Sleep Challenges with Older Kids.

Now you might think we ended that very common problem. We did…until a couple years later when Laura again jumped up several times at bedtime. It was like she had springs in her legs. Returning to our same strategy, we determined what mattered to her. This time it was money. We explained that when she stayed in bed, she kept her allowance; that was her source of independence. If she got out of bed, she lost a quarter -- big money in those days. It was tough to walk in her bedroom early one evening and restate, "Laura, I told you if you got out of bed you'd lose a quarter," then go over to her panda bank and shake out the coin. My heart said I was a thief stealing a little girl's money! My head said, "Stick to your word and you'll prevent similar challenges to your authority." My head was right.

You Don't have to get Angry to be Effective.

Preschool parents have shared with me similar stories to get their kids to bed. I've heard everything from using the security blanket to a flashlight, from installing a fish aquarium to lying about lobsters crawling around the floor. When tired parents feel at the end of their rope they try almost anything. You don't have to be angry to be effective. Instead, remember this remedy for bedtime resistance:

*Determine what Works with Your Child.

*Help your child gain independence and ability to sleep alone.

*Stick with your rule.

Today Laura is 16 years old and quite able to express herself. I asked if she remembered those nights and why she resisted bedtime so much. She replied, "I hated being alone in my room, especially when I could hear you guys out in the living room having fun without me."

_______________________________________

Reprinted with permission from Parenting Power in the Early Years: Raising Your Child Birth to Age Five by Brenda Nixon (2001, WinePress Publishing).  This book gives insight and encouragement to moms on raising an infant, toddler, or preschooler. It's research-based information written in a warm, conversational style and very affirming. You may have heard it promoted on Focus on the Family's "Weekend Magazine" or "Focus on Your Child" radio ministries.

Brenda Nixon (www.brendanixon.com) is a speaker/writer dedicated to building strong families through parent empowerment. She is a popular conference, retreat, and special events speaker to parents and childcare professionals.  Brenda is available for interviews, speaking, freelance writing and booksignings.

Brenda's book, Parenting Power in the Early Years retails for $12.95, although Amazon.com sells it for a bit less. Churches, schools, moms groups can order the book from her at a discount:

Up to 10 books = $7/each

Over 10 books  = $5/each                                           (www.brendanixon.com)

Mothers, You Can Teach & Save Precious Memories to Last a Lifetime!

by Lois Breneman, 1999, Revised 2004, Heart to Heart 

These are things to do with your children that will provide precious memories to fill a lifetime!

Record Your Children Talking and Singing
Record your children's voices at various ages.  We have tapes of our children singing songs that they were making up as they sang.  Priceless!  Our oldest child read books on tape for the youngest child.  She would ring a bell each time the page was to be turned.  We still have those tapes. Maybe her own children can use them some day.  We even have a tape of one of our children nursing and trying to catch a breath.  So funny!   Tapes of the children reciting memory verses in their toddler voices (and older) will always be priceless.  You could plan an interview for each of your children at various ages, asking them about their interests at this stage in their lives.  Tape the conversation around the dinner table, unknown to the children and play it back.  The children love to listen to tapes from when they were first learning how to talk, and it's a precious way to keep up with our memories as parents.

Bedtime Togetherness
After the children have gone to bed, go lie down beside each one and ask them if they want to tell you anything about their day.  They will open up to you if it is just the two of you and no interruptions, and besides that, it's more fun than going to sleep!  Listen without interrupting. Then give advice, if needed.  Those times alone will go a long way!

Dates with Your Children
Take your children out on dates.  Mothers, take your sons -- one at a time. Fathers can take your daughters.  Teach them manners and how to treat a member of the opposite sex when you eat out.  You have their undivided attention.  Use it to have heart to heart talks and for listening to them.  Have fun together!

PLAY DOUGH SURPRISE BALLS

Contributed by Barb Campbell of Mississippi ~ Precious_Stones@JEMMinistries.org

This is a fun treat you can fix up for any child. We use these in Bible School! 

You will need a batch of homemade playdough for this. Here is the recipe I use:

1 c. flour (plain all-purpose), 2 tsp. cream of tartar, 1 Tbsp. cooking oil, 1/2 c. salt, 1 c. water

Mix all the ingredients in a large pot and cook over low heat until a ball forms -- you will need to stir while cooking. Remove the mixture from the pan and knead it. Once it is smooth and the right consistency for play dough, you can create the Surprise Balls.

There are 2 ways to do this -- One way is to pinch off pieces of dough and roll into little balls (about the size of those bouncy balls that come with jacks). Poke a small hole in the ball, don't go through all the way, and drip one drop of food coloring into the hole. Seal it off. When the children begin to play with the plain balls, they will "magically" change colors!  OK -- I have to tell you that the food coloring is fun, but messy!

So here is the other way -- Make the balls as above, but instead of poking a hole in them, flatten them out a bit into circles. Then add a pinch of glitter into the center of each circle and carefully pull the dough up to recreate a ball. The glitter will appear in the dough once the children start working it with their hands. You can use just one color of glitter or try a multicolor blend. Be creative and have lots of fun!

Note from Lois: To prevent food coloring stains on little hands, while handling the balls with food coloring inside, children might wear those inexpensive fold-over plastic sandwich bags as gloves, using a rubber band to hold them on, since most plastic gloves are much too large for them.

Bedtime Routines

by Julie Druck, York, PA, Editor of a free newsletter, "A Heart for Home," shares this tip.  Used by permission
To subscribe, send a blank e-mail to:  aheartforhome-subscribe@welovegod.org 

A friend asked if I would write an article about bedtime routines for kids. We’ve actually done quite a variety of things, so I’ve made a list of different books we’ve read and things we’ve done as we tuck our boys into their beds. My husband and I see bedtime as such an awesome opportunity for tradition and training (as Marty puts it). Making time to spend a few special, quality minutes every night before bed helps to create a wonderful sense of security for children. No matter what has happened through the day, our boys know that every night we will be there to end their day with them. Bedtime is also a great time for training as well. It’s a time to calm down, relax and listen and learn for a few minutes. Not only do the boys learn, but so do we - I’ve probably learned more about my children during those few quiet moments with them than at any other time because I’m really listening. If you need a fresh idea or want to start a tradition, perhaps you’ll find something below to help. I challenge you to invest a few minutes daily with some one-on-one time and an ear to listen - you’ll never regret it.

* When the boys were very young, we would read a story from the book "My Bedtime Anytime Storybook" by V. Gilbert Beers each night. This book contains short stories about a group of lovable animals who have adventures that teach children about different character traits. The boys loved this book, and we still pull it out from time to time.

* At other times, Marty has read to them straight out of his Bible. He explains things to them and asks them questions or answers theirs. I believe he’s read part of Proverbs to them and parts of Exodus - he’s taught them the 10 Commandments and also the plagues of Egypt.

* We have read from "The Children’s Daily Devotional Bible" by Thomas Nelson Publishers which is, of course, a Bible written more to their level. We would read a chapter each night and discuss it - they like looking at the pictures.

* Right now I’ve been reading from "Keys for Kids" which is a great little devotional put out by the Children’s Bible Hour. I read a short Scripture passage and a story that relates to it plus questions each morning while the boys eat their breakfast. At one time I did this before bed but recently I’ve switched to doing this devotion in the morning. Each "Keys for Kids" contains two months’ worth of stories. You can get their free bi-monthly copies on their website at
www.cbhministries.org. I had a little trouble figuring out how to order it on the site, so I’m including directions about how to get to the order form: when the web page comes up, click on Ministry Materials, you will then see a paragraph which includes the words "Keys for Kids" in blue, click on that, scroll down on this next page until you see some more blue words - "Contact Page," click there and then you will see a list of staff names, find Sharon Moore and click on the words beside her name - "Order Keys for Kids." This will take you to an order form. If you have trouble, contact me and I’ll help you figure it out!

* I got an idea that I just love from a friend and have recently started putting it into practice again. I go to each boy’s room and spend about 5-10 minutes with each one individually. I ask them their favorite part of the day and their least favorite part. They talk about whatever they want, and we have a short prayer. Marty does this with the boys as well - we take turns going into their rooms. This time has become a special blessing to all of us, and I know that the boys love spending time alone with Mommy and Daddy.

* Another thing the boys love is when I either make up stories or tell them stories of things they did when they were younger. They think it is so funny to hear the silly things they did. I’ve also read to them from my journal - they love hearing about themselves and it brings back wonderful memories for me. In addition, they enjoy hearing stories of things that Daddy and Mommy did when we were kids.

* A tradition (and training!) that Marty started long ago has been to ask two specific questions to each of our boys every night. Those questions are "Why do I love you?" and "Who do you represent?" When Mard asks each boy the first question, they always answer: "Because I’m Benjamin," or "Because I’m Caleb." He wants them to understand that he loves them simply because of who they are. He correlates that to the reason God loves us - simply because we are His. God’s love for us doesn’t change based on the good deeds we did that day or on the rotten stuff we did that day. Marty wants the boys to know that his love for them is consistent and unchanging. The answer to the second question - "Who do you represent?" - is "Daddy." Just as we are representatives of Christ in the things that we do and say, Marty uses himself as an example that the boys can watch to see how to "flesh out" being a Christian. When they see what Daddy does and try to imitate him, they are being representatives of him and ulimately of the Lord.

* One last thing I’ll mention is for the few times that I’m out in the evening and don’t have the opportunity to put the boys to bed. Before I go to bed, I go in each room, put their covers back on them, and gently lay my hand on their sleeping heads to pray for them. They look so dear when they’re re-charging their  batteries! I also pray each night before I fall asleep that God would protect them, help them to feel safe, guard their minds against bad dreams and evil thoughts and that they would know that He is always there to comfort them.