by Dave Boehi - October 19, 2009
Used by permission from Family Life
I've
been thinking a lot lately about what couples should know before they
get married. For one thing, I've been making some updates and revisions
on FamilyLife's Preparing for Marriage
workbook, which is used by thousands of pastors and counselors around
the country each year for premarriage counseling. In addition, my
younger daughter, Missy, was recently married. As a parent you think of all the things you should tell a child before marriage, and nothing ever seems to be enough.
When
Merry and I were preparing to be married, we went through counseling
and got a lot of good advice. But there are some important things that
we did not fully understand. So if I were talking with a premarried
couple, here's what I'd tell them about the "Five Things I Wish I Had
Known Before I Was Married."
#1: Marriage is not all about you. It's not about your happiness and self-fulfillment. It's not about getting your needs met. It's about going through life together and serving God together and serving each other. It's about establishing a family. It's about committing your lives to each other even though you may be very different in 10, 20, or 40 years from the people you are now.
#2: You are about to learn a painful lesson--you are both very selfish people. This may be difficult to comprehend during the happy and hazy days of courtship, but it's true, and it shocks many couples during their first years of marriage. It's important to know this revelation of selfishness is coming, because then you can make adjustments for it, and you will be a lot better off.
#3: The person you love the most is also the person who can hurt you the deepest. That's the risk and pain of marriage. And the beauty of marriage is working through your hurt and pain and resolving your conflicts and solving your problems.
#4: You can't make it work on your own. It's obvious that marriage is difficult--just look at how many couples today end in divorce. This is why it's so critical to center your lives and your marriage on the God who created marriage. To make your marriage last for a lifetime, you need to rely on God for the power and love and strength and wisdom and endurance you need.
#1: Marriage is not all about you. It's not about your happiness and self-fulfillment. It's not about getting your needs met. It's about going through life together and serving God together and serving each other. It's about establishing a family. It's about committing your lives to each other even though you may be very different in 10, 20, or 40 years from the people you are now.
#2: You are about to learn a painful lesson--you are both very selfish people. This may be difficult to comprehend during the happy and hazy days of courtship, but it's true, and it shocks many couples during their first years of marriage. It's important to know this revelation of selfishness is coming, because then you can make adjustments for it, and you will be a lot better off.
#3: The person you love the most is also the person who can hurt you the deepest. That's the risk and pain of marriage. And the beauty of marriage is working through your hurt and pain and resolving your conflicts and solving your problems.
#4: You can't make it work on your own. It's obvious that marriage is difficult--just look at how many couples today end in divorce. This is why it's so critical to center your lives and your marriage on the God who created marriage. To make your marriage last for a lifetime, you need to rely on God for the power and love and strength and wisdom and endurance you need.
#5: Never stop enjoying each other.
Always remember that marriage is an incredible gift to be enjoyed.
Ecclesiastes 9:9 says, "Enjoy life with the woman whom you love all the
days of your fleeting life which He has given to you under the sun; for
this is your reward in life and in your toil in which you have labored
under the sun."
Enjoy the little
things of life with your spouse: the food you enjoy together at home or
in restaurants ... the movies you like ... the little inside jokes
nobody else understands except for you ... the times you make each other
laugh ... the games you play together.
And focus on making memories together: Plan special dates and weekend getaways. Make sure you reserve time for each other after you have kids. When you are old, you won't look back and remember how great it was to buy that new furniture or watch that great show on television. You're going to remember what you did together and saw together and created together.
And focus on making memories together: Plan special dates and weekend getaways. Make sure you reserve time for each other after you have kids. When you are old, you won't look back and remember how great it was to buy that new furniture or watch that great show on television. You're going to remember what you did together and saw together and created together.
How about you? If you were talking to an engaged couple about what you wish you'd known before marriage, what would you say? Write me and I'll put your answers in a future Marriage Memo.
If you'd like to take a weekend getaway with your spouse, here are two suggestions. First, attend a Weekend to Remember conference. It could be the best investment you make in your marriage and family. Second, check out Bill and Carolyn Wellons' book, Getting Away to Get it Together. It will show you how to reconnect with your spouse and re-energize your partnership.
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