A dear friend of ours recently sent out a plea for help and encouragement in her role as a mom. All of us have multiple children under the age of 8. One of us is a single mother. Here are some things we’ve gleaned, and there’s so much left to learn!
All Around the House
*Tackle big projects in small steps. Plan ahead as much as possible for major changes in schedule or for things that will disrupt the flow of daily life (i.e. job changes, new siblings, new living arrangements, medical concerns, remodeling projects, trips/vacations, baby-sitters, etc.).
*If/when possible, plan meals in advance for the week or even the month. This saves time and money at the grocery store AND takes the guess work out of cooking.
*Have a “schedule” for meals for breakfast or lunch. Post this so the children can read it…maybe even use pictures as a visual.
*Start dinner in the morning via prep work, defrosting, or even crock pot cooking. Make a double recipe if you can and freeze it for later. Begin this process when you have the most energy instead of during the afternoon when blood sugar and patience tends to drop. Crock pot meals are great ideas that you can start early and set it for the day.
*Always have staple foods on hand for meals – “the quick fix” – when you are absolutely exhausted or unable to function under normal circumstances. At our house, this list includes grilled cheese and soup, PB&J, cereal, scrambled eggs, protein smoothies, yogurt with raw veggies, whole wheat crackers with cheese, chicken quesadillas, a "snack dinner" with nuts, fruit, veggies and pretzels, or pizza.
* Learn to give yourself grace and not put so much pressure on yourself to make everything from scratch or everything a hot meal. Again, refer to the "quick fix" meals.
*Gives choices, when it comes to meal time, for accepting the food or not. If a child is complaining say, "Thank you, or no-thank you?" and allow them to respond. Usually, they will say, "thank you" and gratefully accept the food. Even if they like the food, but complain because they want a bigger piece, use this approach. And if the answer is no thank you, then put the food away. There is something that happens to our hearts when we verbalize "thank you."
*Assign “chores” / “responsibilities list” for each child based upon their age and abilities. This instills a deep sense of community, or TEAMWORK, while investing in each other’s lives. Rotate the roles as needed. Some examples are taking out the trash, setting the table, dusting furniture, cleaning glass/mirrors, feeding pets, making beds, folding laundry, etc.
*Consider investing in a Shark Vacuum and other kid fun/ friendly tools that will spark their desire to want to contribute. Personalize their tools and hang them in places they can reach easily.
*Try assigning certain responsibilities to certain days – for example – Monday is washing and drying the laundry, Tuesday is ironing and putting it all away. And if it doesn’t all get done, give yourself a “buffer day.”
*Accept the fact and just plan get-over-it-now that there will ALWAYS be laundry to wash/fold/put away, meals to prep, dishes to clean/put away, bills to pay, things to do, places to go, people who need you, etc. The world as you know it pre-children, has changed. This is the new normal. Get over yourself.
* Remember that the mess of toys around is a sign of vibrant life in your house and one day you will miss the mess! Your children are a blessing from God!
It’s a Matter of Relationship – Spouse, Friends, and Children
*Have a daily 5-minute "phone date" with your husband. This quick vocal check-in allows you to vent if needed, to pray together, to share a silly story, or to confirm logistics for the day. It keeps everyone on the same page and playing on the same family team.
*Aim to schedule monthly dates with your husband. Having uninterrupted couple time is a vital necessity to nurture your relationship. Take turns in planning the event and arranging childcare. Be creative and thoughtful, always remembering that quality and quantity of time with him counts tremendously.
*Give ALL of yourself freely to your husband and hold nothing back from him. Remember the passion you felt for him when you were dating and be playful in creative ways throughout the day.
*Take a moment for assessment – alone and with your spouse. How much do you rely on him? Are there places he can assist you or share in certain responsibilities? Are there places where he needs you to be more present? Determine if there is someone who could take the children on a play date while the two of you tackle a project together and perhaps turn it into a mini-date with lunch or dinner as your reward.
*Strike up a friendship with moms who are (or who recently came out of) a similar stage/age of your children. You are not alone, and Satan would love to convince you of this lie! Such relationships allow for edifying conversation, great phone chats, mommy silliness/jokes, wisdom sharing, girls’ only date nights, and spontaneous baby-sitting when you need to run quick errands, need a nap, or are desperate for some quiet time.
*It’s okay to ask for help! Do it often and without apology. Conquer your own perfectionism, stubbornness, pride, arrogance, or self-sufficiency. Sometimes it simply doesn’t even cross your mind to ask. Get into the habit of allowing other people to make the decision to help instead of assuming that they’ll say NO or that you are burdening them with your needs. It is a blessing to introduce other people into our children’s lives!
*Realize that each age/stage draws upon various mothering skills and abilities. For instance, some mothers may find infancy to be repetitive, exhausting, and scarce on enriching emotional feedback. On the other hand, some mothers may find this time to be peaceful, even-paced, or possibly even energizing! Children grow so quickly and move to a new stage in months or even weeks. Be not too tightly attached (positively or negatively) to any one stage. Don’t wish time away, but savor the joys and learn from the sorrows. Instead, be flexible and ready for one of life’s constants…Change!
*Each child is truly an individual, uniquely created by God with a divine purpose and destiny. Refuse to engage in “cookie cutter parenting”- acting as if your children are carbon copies of one another. Be in tune to his or her specific temperament, activity level, emotional tone, cognitive strategies, strengths, hurdles, and relational styles. Be a student of your child and ask the Lord for wisdom in how to shepherd and equip each child with grace to call forth God’s best in and through them!
*Organize a prayer team of 10-20 people who pray for you regularly and specifically. This team can also be mobilized for time-sensitive requests. Provide regular updates on how the Lord is moving and what He is teaching you.
*Take time as a couple to pray over your house and your children. (Done well when they are asleep at night!) Ask the Lord to show you the giftedness, strengths, and needs/weaknesses of each precious one.
*Respect your children as human beings. Children want/need to know the day's schedule, be looked in the eye and spoken to, not degraded, not bullied, but to know you understand their needs and desires.
Your Personal Perspective
*Set realistic daily goals. Be honest with yourself when figuring out what you can/can’t or even what you should/shouldn’t attempt to start or finish in a day…or a week, or a month, or a year.
*Be graceful with yourself. The fact is that rotten days, stinky attitudes, total inconveniences, and wretched disappointments happen for various (or not apparent, at times) reasons. You will mess up and will need forgiveness from your children and/or your husband. Acknowledge your sin before them and the Lord and then move on quickly! Forgive yourself quickly and hold no account of your wrongdoings.
*Pamper and even indulge yourself regularly. Taking the role of a servant can be extremely taxing and wearisome. Unashamedly taking some time out from the daily routine quickly quells any rumblings of martyrdom. Examples may include a walk, shopping, a long phone call or meeting with a friend, a massage or other spa treatment, a coffee drink at a book store with your favorite pen and journal scrapbooking, or whatever recharges your batteries and gives you perspective. Be unapologetic about needing and capitalizing on this time.
*Choose to laugh instead of cry. Choose to cry when you need to as well, no doubt! See the lighter side of things and keep the frustrations in perspective. Look for the humor even in the most annoying of circumstances. Remember that this too shall pass! Tomorrow is another day with new mercy waiting for you when your feet touch the ground. For example, instead of being constantly annoyed that my son runs away from me and keeps me ever vigilant of his climbing capabilities, I am thankful that he has working appendages that can bolster him to and fro with minimal effort. I pray that his physical persistence will be realized as persistence in prayer and in changing the spiritual climate of this nation and this world.
*Don't cheat yourself on sleep! Go to sleep when you are tired and nap when you are able. The benefits of sleep are too numerous to count. Be wise in giving yourself this valuable gift! Guard it carefully in prayer for your family as well.
*Don't cheat yourself on sleep! Go to sleep when you are tired and nap when you are able. The benefits of sleep are too numerous to count. Be wise in giving yourself this valuable gift! Guard it carefully in prayer for your family as well.
*Take time to read or at least peruse resources that encourage and empower. Some great examples: Loving Your Children on Purpose, Men Are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti – it might take a while to get through a book, but you don’t always have to read them page by page. Maybe magazines or websites are just as uplifting.
*Appreciate the little moments, remembering that most positive things happen in very short, captured periods of time. For instance, when everyone is cranky including yourself, stop everything and focus on the kids - read a book, play cars, throw ball or get out musical instruments. Most often, those few minutes are enough, and then they are off playing again.
*Practice Self-Control. We can control ourselves. You can't control your child, but you can teach him/ her by example that you can control yourself.
*Establish your core values for your family. For example: Fun, Loving, and Helpful and determine if your actions and those of your family are meeting these values.
*Practice Self-Control. We can control ourselves. You can't control your child, but you can teach him/ her by example that you can control yourself.
*Establish your core values for your family. For example: Fun, Loving, and Helpful and determine if your actions and those of your family are meeting these values.
The Spiritual Connection
*Take time to listen to the Lord. Be quick to obey and slow to speak, even when He doesn’t make sense. Do what He has called you to do - nothing more and nothing less. He will never lead you where His grace cannot keep you.
*Encourage daily quiet time for everyone in the family. For the younger ones, this will most likely mean physical rest/sleep. As the children age, allow them to read, complete an activity book, pray, meditate, or do something stationary and solitary (and relatively quiet) for 30-60 minutes. This will give you some down time to spend with the Lord, too! Cultivate in them an understanding of how to talk to AND listen to Jesus. Expect them to hear the Lord clearly and ask what they are learning.
*Remember that you (and your husband, if you’re married) set the tone or the atmosphere of your home. If Jesus is lifted high, then Satan cannot touch you! If Scripture is hidden in your hearts, there will be neither attraction to nor room for the world’s filth to dwell therein.
* Be intentional to pray about how you parent, and about how the kids’ hearts will be more receptive and softened to God’s truth and love.
*Strongly consider and review the media that is brought into your home. Be aware of radio, downloaded or recorded music, books, magazines, videos, Internet content, and other sources that may not honor the Lord. Guard the hearts and minds of your family members with zeal.
*Cultivate thankful hearts! When we are thankful, we focus on what we have and on the Lord’s goodness. Jealousy, comparison, a spirit of poverty, and fear flee when we cling to the One who is ever faithful to supply all of our needs. Focus on what you can do with the resources you have and sow good seeds into the Kingdom to reap eternal rewards.
* Remember that the Lord is waiting to answer your prayers if you will only ask. Somehow it's always easier to pray and ask for others' needs, but you have needs that He cares about and for which He will provide, even when those prayers are for people to come along and help you take care of your home and family.
* Try association prayer, something that helps you focus on others and not just on you or your immediate family. A couple of examples: when I put on mascara, I think of my friend Laura who, back in High School, said she hardly ever put that on, because her lashes were so thick and dark. While I was cleaning my kitchen, washing dishes, and scrubbing my sink, I thought of my friend Renee, who had told me some tips she’d been trying recently to at least keep her kitchen clean to feel better about her house. So I prayed for her family.
* Remember that God understands the seasons you have in your life. This is a time where those long moments alone with Him just aren’t as frequent as we were used to in college or early marriage. They will come around again, when the kids are in school, and definitely when they’ve graduated and moved out.
*Carve out at least some time for you to be alone and focusing on God. Perhaps a personal retreat once or twice a year needs to be set on the calendar. If you have access to your local church building or a friend’s house who may be away for the weekend, put the kids to bed and go sing, play an instrument, pray, read, and listen! You need time to recharge and pray more intensely.
*Make time for worshipping with the children. Put on a CD and dance together or play an instrument and sing while they dance or read a book. Let them know the importance of mommy’s worship time and teach them to respect it even if they do not want to participate. Invite them to “take a turn” after you are done.
* Remember: It is the presence of the Lord that changes us and that changes our children. Even when you don't understand or have the answers for or about your children, you can worship. You can invite the powerful, manifest presence of the Lord to saturate your home and invade the hearts and minds of your children. He inhabits the praises of His people.
*Try reading the Bible aloud to your children and ask them questions along the way, so you are both having some devotional time. If you’re feeling really ambitious and creative, try acting the story out together or summing the principle up in just a few words that you will remember.
Balancing Discipline and Play
*Allow the children to play by themselves or with siblings minus your physical presence. Even just 15 minutes once or twice a day will give you time to check email, organize mentally, or make some phone calls. Being a parent does not equal being a peer playmate. (I need to remind myself of this often!) Confining them to one room/creating boundaries for this play area will keep them safe.
*Schedule date nights with the children individually and with Mommy or Daddy monthly. Allow them to choose the activity. Sharing special time alone with them feeds both of your souls and can lead to deep discussion and/or spiritual training or even impartation!
*Choose your battles. Too often we “jump on our kids” when it really isn't necessary. Realize that it is coming from your stress or urgency of trying to get out the door, etc. Bite your tongue more and wait before talking.
* Try singing your requests. For example: the "Have Patience" song from Music Machine. This usually stops screaming and fussing long enough to make some headway.
*Establish a day of rest – it doesn’t have to be Sunday, especially if you are actively serving in a ministry capacity on Sunday mornings. We use Friday night to Saturday mornings as our “Sabbath,” so no major chores or errands are done. It’s just family time, or personal reading and reflection or relaxation time.
* Try singing your requests. For example: the "Have Patience" song from Music Machine. This usually stops screaming and fussing long enough to make some headway.
*Establish a day of rest – it doesn’t have to be Sunday, especially if you are actively serving in a ministry capacity on Sunday mornings. We use Friday night to Saturday mornings as our “Sabbath,” so no major chores or errands are done. It’s just family time, or personal reading and reflection or relaxation time.
No comments:
Post a Comment