My children were far from teenagers when I became a single mother. My daughter was six and my son had just turned one year old. While I was married, problems with my spouse, working a full time job and dealing with a sick child eroded what little confidence I once had in my mothering. I hardly felt up to the task of being a married mother, and now I was being called to mother on my own. You can bet I had some serious discussions with God at the time.
Fortunately, I had been seeing a Christian counselor who was helping me deal with my divorce and its repercussions. It wasn't long before the emphasis of my counseling turned away from the subject of my divorce and towards setting goals for being a good single mother. "I don't even know how to be mother," I remember wailing. "How am I ever going to be a single mother?"
My counselor taught me four concepts that he explained form the core of all good parenting - whether single or two parent. He told me to be sure I was fair, honest, and loving with my children, and that I disciplined them when necessary. He made it sound simple - as long as I adhered to these guidelines, I would be a good mother - single or otherwise.
Of course as my children grew from the childhood stage to the preteen and teen years, things were not as easy as he made it sound. But those four words - fairness, honesty, loving and discipline have helped immeasurably over the years. Whenever I was unsure of what I was doing - sometimes a daily occurrence - I always had those parenting concepts to fall back on.
My daughter is now 17, my son almost 12. I have learned that parenting styles evolve as children grow older, but fairness, honesty, love and discipline are needed just as much during the teenage years as they are during earlier development. By trial and error, my children, as well as myself, have come to learn that fairness isn't the same as equality. That honesty is a treasured family value and the building block that supports all relationships; it must be adhered to by both parent and teen. That all family problems can be solved when they are approached with love. And that all actions have consequences, and discipline - whether it is adding something on (like extra chores) or taking something away (like computer or phone privileges), teaches the importance of accountability, both in the present and the future.
There are days when single-parenting my teen and preteen feels akin to balancing the weight of the world on my shoulders, but I keep my perspective by remembering that all parents, whether single or married, feel this way at times. The four concepts - fairness, honesty, love and discipline can help in any parenting situation. And it's never too late to start using them.
Marylou Morano Kjelle has written "Handmaid of the Lord: Prayers for Newly Single Christian Mothers" and is finishing an as yet untitled book for teens that discusses every aspect of divorce. Coming soon is a free ezine for Single Christian Mothers called "Gabriel's Message." You can contact Marylou at marmorano@aol.com with "singular" in the subject line. Visit her website at: www.mmoranokjelle.com
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