Kill Them With Kindness

by Brie Gowan
http://briegowen.com/2018/03/30/kill-them-with-kindness/
Used by permission

March 30, 2018 by brieann.rn@gmail.com Leave a Comment

I was driving down the Florida Turnpike at 70 mph. Palm trees lined the side of the road, a lavender sunset displayed behind them, and Will Reagan on the radio. I should have been enjoying such a lovely ride home, but instead I was stewing over an incident at work. Like many times when a personal interaction doesn’t go as planned, I found myself replaying the conversation mentally, but in my head I always said something clever, when in reality I had remained dumbly silent. So as I contemplated a conversation in my mind that never actually occurred, I baked in my frustration over having been treated rudely.
For the third day in a row women at work had acted condescending to me, and as I sat in my truck going over the scenario again I felt the Lord pulling at my heart. As if grabbing the string of a balloon, He pulled me back down to earth, working to calm my spirit, and He whispered to me a motto I actually lived by.
Kill them with kindness, He said.
And I knew that was the thing to do.
I don’t know about you, but I frequently encounter people who just seem to hate life. They’re the ones with the sour look on their face, the sighs that say “why are you bothering me,” and the rolling eyes that proclaim they’d rather be anywhere but where they currently are. I’m not sure why, but when I see these kinds of obviously unhappy individuals it’s like I get excited. A part of me says “game on!” When I meet someone with a grumpy disposition it’s like I yearn to make them smile. I want them to be compelled to be happy when I’m around, and so begins a journey to squeeze a smirk of a smile from a sourpuss. Challenge accepted.
I always think back to a particular situation I encountered like this. At a hospital where I worked there was a lady in the kitchen who just seemed to hate life. She was always frowning, and if you tried to ask for some food she would look up at you with glaring eyes that made it seem like you asked for her firstborn child. She always looked so put upon, so frustrated, and like she would rather be anywhere than there. I’m not sure about you, but for me it’s nice to be served with a smile. It makes me feel good when I encounter a friendly person at a drive-thru, or a kind voice on the phone. A smile goes a long way, but I understand you can’t always get what you want in life. Still, in this situation I simply felt bad for this woman. She was obviously unhappy. So I decided to try and turn her day around.
It probably took about six months of consistent, friendly banter before I coaxed a half, upturned smirk from her lips. Months of conversation, jokes, smiles, and honestly interested questions about her day occurred before I saw a glint of cheer in her eyes when I engaged her on a friendly level. In the end she would always smile when she saw me, give me an extra portion of fries, and ask about my kids. She’d go back to frowning as I walked away, but it made me feel good to draw a smile from her face.
She ended up quitting the job she obviously didn’t enjoy within the next year, and I only found out when I arrived in anticipation of our weekly interaction, but instead found a new, smiling face in her place. The interesting part, though, came about a year later when I was leaving the local grocery store. As I pushed a cart of groceries and little girls to my van I heard an unfamiliar voice behind me. I turned and was surprised to see a full set of shiny, white teeth beaming at me across the lot. It was my long lost, lunch buddy, and she grinned ecstatically as she came towards me. We chatted for a while, and she updated me on her current life. The most surprising part came when she hugged me goodbye. An honest to goodness, affectionate hug.
What if I had countered her grumpy countenance with indifference? What if I had seen her as a lost cause? It seems to me most angry people are simply unhappy, and what’s wrong with trying to inject a sliver of kindness into their day? It doesn’t always work, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying. It doesn’t mean I’ll repay bad treatment with bad treatment of my own.
I’ll kill them with kindness.

And so that’s what I’ve been doing. So far I’ve managed to muscle some smiles from the sourpusses, and even coax laughter from the perpetually ill. Challenge accepted. You know, making frowny people smile isn’t the sole purpose of my task. It’s just tying to shine a little light in a dark room. There’s a lot of hurting people in this world. Sometimes that hurt seeps right out of them and is visible in their interactions with others. Not always, but sometimes. So if I can try to pour kindness on someone who’s only seen unkindness then maybe I’m doing this world a little good. I gotta try anyway.

When Did We Stop Letting Kids Be Kids?

by Brie Gowan
http://briegowen.com/2018/03/20/when-did-we-stop-letting-kids-be-kids/

Used by permission

March 20, 2018 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

I know I’m not the first person to have taken notice of how much the education system has changed over the past 10-20 years. Most people within my age bracket, who grew up in the 1970’s and 1980’s, can see a huge shift from how things were when they were little compared to how they are now. I can recall being in kindergarten in California very well. I got out at noon, and I learned how to tie my shoes. We took naps and played with clay. We got to have fun, be creative, and learn how to treat others. We were allowed to be normal five year olds. My question is, is that changing?
I’ll be the first to admit I’m no expert on the public school system at this current time. I do not have my children enrolled in the public school system so I can not rely on personal experiences. What I can rely on is observation of friends whose children are. So this isn’t written from any expert platform, but rather simply an opinion based on interactions with my parenting peers. It’s also not a dig at the public school system in particular. This is actually my concerns over public mindset nowadays. When did we stop allowing kids to be kids? And when did we start expecting more from children than they are developmentally capable of achieving?
Over the past five years or so, and since becoming a parent myself over seven years ago, I’ve noticed the concerns voiced of other mothers around me. I see their questions, their searching for camaraderie and advice, their fears over if they’re doing it right, doing right by their children, and making certain their child can measure up to the standards set by the tribe at large.
I see and hear conversations like:
“Does anyone know what my preschooler needs to know before they start school?”
“My daughter never went to pre-K! Is she going to be terribly far behind?!”
“Looking for a good learning app for my two year old. What do you recommend?”
“Is ABC Mouse worth the money per month?”
“What kind of books can I buy for my four year old to get him ready for school?”
“My five year old can’t read! What are we gonna do? Are they gonna hold her back?!”
“What’s the best pre-k program out there? Who do you recommend?”
“I can’t seem to get my daughter to do her homework!”
And you know the kid is five.
“My son can’t be still in class! I think he has ADHD!”
And you know the kid is five. Or six, for that matter.
I see so many concerns over reading fair projects (that the parent totally completes), mediocre grades, worries over too many sick days taken, and so much more. I see moms cry when their five year old gets on the school bus far too early, without enough sleep, for a nine hour day, that most of the time no longer allows a nap midday.
I see friends worried over their second grader’s math scores, and I wonder if we’re perhaps a bit too concerned? Now, I’m all about education. I hold a higher degree, and because of that I have chances in my career I would not have had otherwise. I love to read, and I think an extensive vocabulary and proper grammar is a positive attribute to hold. But I wonder if we’re taking it too far, too soon?
For example, in some westernized countries children do not begin formal education until age seven, and I can totally see why. Four, five, and six years olds are still deeply discovering the world around them. They’re learning to deal with their emotions and interact with others. They’re creating relational characteristics that will help lay the foundation for the kind of adult they will be. They don’t need adult stress; they have enough to deal with in the way of child stress. There are so many unknowns, lessons, and daily discoveries they are making. We really don’t need to impede on that too much.
For young children learning should be mostly about play. They should be seeing that learning is fun, that discovery is adventure, and that it’s not a race to achieve, a box to check, or a test to complete. Reading should be for pleasure, not a painstaking chore, and this is something I had to understand early on in the education of my own children at home.
All kids are different, and they learn differently. Young children like to move around, their attention spans are short, and the older child box we try to squeeze young learners into isn’t the best for their development in my humble opinion. We as a society shouldn’t be so stringently expecting three years olds to know all their ABCs and 1,2,3s, or requiring prerequisite goals to be met prior to kindergarten. I could be wrong, but to me it seems that five year olds must know much more in school than they did when I was five. My question is how much better is a child for having this knowledge sooner? Are their career opportunities really that much more available if they can read by five or six instead of seven or eight? And who made these new gold standards? Who decided little kids that barely reach their teacher’s waist should be doing homework pages after an already too lengthy day?!
Maybe I’m too relaxed. Maybe you think I’m off my rocker, or that my kids will end up making nothing of their lives. I guess I’m just wondering who decides what outcome is worthwhile? Perhaps every child won’t go to college, and that’s okay. Some children may become neurosurgeons, while others will prefer an apprenticeship in a technical field. Isn’t that ok too? Will sitting five years olds in a desk for eight hours to complete worksheet after worksheet really produce the best outcome for future academic excellence? I say, hogwash. I say, let them be kids.
I say, let them run. Let them stand, sit, jump, and play. Let them discover the world around them. Let them ask questions, and be available for the answers. Let them observe their surroundings and create conclusions. Gently guide those experiences. Let them nap! Let them sleep in! Let them do structured, sit-down work for short bursts of time, and throw away the homework! Let their brains absorb all they can, but then also allow them time to decompress and unwind. Allow them the time to process all the new things they’re taking in.
But most importantly, we need to check ourselves. We need to stop worrying if our preschooler is at the right reading level, or if they’re measuring up. They’re three and four years old, for goodness sake. They have the rest of their lives to worry about deadlines and schedules. We need to stop creating this invisible yardstick that our young children must measure up to, or we’re the absolute worst parent in the world! Who cares if Michelle’s precious daughter can read already?! She also eats her boogers and pushes other kids in line!
Here’s what your children under seven absolutely need to know to be successful in this life:
They need to know how to love others.
They need to understand compassion.
They need to see the hurting, and help those kids.
They need to treat others like they would want to be treated.
They need to understand there’s more to life than their own backyard, that they’re not the most important kid in the world, and that they will mess up. For that they’ll just need to fess-up, say they’re sorry, and learn from their mistakes.
They need to know that their parents love them, are proud of them, and that they are unique. That they’re not held to a state standard, a society standard, or an unrealistic standard.
Again, they’ll need some reinforcement to treat others well.
Perhaps if we focused more on these things at an early age and less on perfect phonics and addition then there would be a lot less bullying in schools. Maybe we’re focusing on all the wrong stuff. Have you ever watched little kids when you let them loose on a playground? Like when they’re around four or five? Sure, there may be some problems sharing, but more than that is this amazing ability to coexist. When my kids go somewhere in public they’ll quickly make friends with children they’ve never met, regardless of color or socioeconomic background. There’s no judgement. There’s no preconceived notions. There’s just pure, human interaction in its best form. All children are born that way. But we as parents and society beat that out of them. We show them that things that aren’t really that important are important. Then we teach them that the important things don’t really matter. It’s like we pick calculus over compassion, and we drain the passion and natural tendency to explore the world around them right out of our children. Most average seven years old will know how to read, but they’ll miss the words on the sign of the homeless man on the street corner.
What really happens when we take away the childhood of our children? We take away their childlike faith and compassion. Then we replace it with all A’s on their report card and a first place ribbon in the science fair.

Is Satan Stealing Our Families?

by Brie Gowan
http://briegowen.com/2017/07/30/is-satan-stealing-our-families/
Used by permission
July 30, 2017 by brieann.rn@gmail.com

This past year I read a book with my daughter called Little House in the Big Woods. You may be familiar with it. It’s the first book written by Laura Ingalls Wilder, and it began the popular Little House on the Prairie series. I don’t recall reading it before, and as I read it to my five year old, I think I enjoyed it even more than she did. Something about the way the family lived, it intrigued me. I love my internet tremendously, but the simplicity and closeness this family shared sounded really wonderful to me. The idea of working together for each other drew me into their little world. Many times as I read the pages aloud I yearned for such a time as the ones described.
I look around today and I wonder if we wouldn’t be better taking a step back in time where we could focus more on important matters, and less on trivial ones. I see the things around me that cause so much unneeded stress, and I truly believe that the principalities and powers of darkness wish to destroy what God has created. God favors families. He favors love, time together, and focus on cultivating those relationships. What I see today is in direct opposition of that, yet those things have developed slowly over time, so much so that we don’t even notice them deteriorating the fabric of family.
Our pre-teens and teenagers are so absorbed in their Snapchat and Instagram that they can’t even come up for air. Not that we notice. We’re buried in our Facebook newsfeed or hottest new game app.
The normalcy of public school education with its ever increasing curriculum demands are swallowed like good medicine. The school year gets longer, testing increases, and hours of homework creep into the family time. So children that already spend 8-9 hours away from home are spending their evening hours doing more projects, reports, and extra credit assignments.
Mom and dad are too exhausted to help much. They’re tired because they’re putting in more hours. Dual working parents are the majority. And while the cost of living has definitely increased over time, I wonder how much of our “necessities” are truly that? We work more to be able to buy more, yet we hardly have time to enjoy all our purchases. We save all year long for a week long vacation that leaves us exhausted and in need of a day off from our off days.
A lot of our hard-earned money is spent on activities. So. Many. Activities. We spend more time driving to activities, purchasing gear, costumes, and accessories for our activities, or working on our off days to raise funds for our activities. Activities where we watch other people teach, coach, and mentor our children. Is this the time together we’re craving? Makes you think.

Time together doesn’t cost a dime

If you had to sit down and add up how much quality time you spend alone with your spouse, what would it be? What about your children? And not time doing and going. Just time. Is it less time than you spend on your weekly commute to work?
It makes you wonder if divorce is more prominent today because it’s become socially more acceptable, or could it be because we’re spending less time enjoying the company of our spouse? Would children get in less trouble if they had a present parent/parents available to guide them? They say it takes a village to raise a child, but I’m wondering if we’ve taken that too far. Now we just want the village to take care of them. And then when our children fall down and fail we can have teachers, coaches, and the church to blame for their demise.
This is hard stuff to think about. It’s taking everything we’ve called normal over the past few decades or more and realizing that it’s actually destroying the family unit. Our kids are playing ball 3-5 times a week until 10pm, and the parents are working 60 hours a week to keep designer duds on the kiddos lest they get bullied for wearing WalMart brand clothing. Everyone has a TV in their room, a cell phone in their pocket, and a brand new car in the drive-way yet none of that will go to Heaven with us. We’re working very hard providing material possessions for our children, when in all reality we should be on our knees with them leading them to a closer walk with Jesus. Eternal life is what we should want for our kids, not the best education money can buy. And while I’m all for giving them a bright future, I don’t want to give them the world if it forfeits their soul. When my grown children look back on life I want them to have memories of time well spent rather than spending all the time. I gotta work on this! I don’t have it all figured out either, but I’d like to think my eyes are open enough to see that Satan wishes to destroy us.
Satan wants us tired, worn thin, and stressed. He wants us in debt up to our eyeballs, and our health failing because we can’t sleep enough, eat right, or handle our stress effectively. He wants husbands and wives fighting over finances, disrespectful teens who learned how to treat their parents based off Nickelodeon sitcoms, and thousands of young children sexually abused by the adults we’re so quick to place our trust in. He wants us busy, but not productive. He wants our plates full, but our tank empty. He wants us looking to society for what’s best for our families, not God’s word as a lamp to our feet. He wants the family unit ripped apart, and many times I look around and see us letting him. We’re not even trying to take a stand.
I’d like to believe that it’s not too late. We can still fight to save our families. Perhaps it all comes down to stepping out in wisdom, courage, and truth for our family. In a world that’s so busy Keeping Up With the Kardashians, maybe it’s time to be a Little House on the Prairie. What do you think?

*Of note, this isn’t meant to offend anyone. It’s just meant to trigger thinking about it. I’m certainly a work in progress.

Meet Brie

Brie is a thirty-something (sliding ever closer to forty-something) wife and mother. When she's not loving on her hubby, bouncing a happy toddler on her hip, chasing her preschooler, or teaching her six year old at the kitchen table, she enjoys cooking, reading, and writing down her thoughts to share with others. But honestly she loves nothing more than watching a great movie, or a hot bath, alone if the children allow. Which never happens.
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