The Funny Side of Parenting

National Center for Biblical Parenting
www.biblicalparenting.org
Used by permission

Never Having Kids!
We live in a fast-paced world with microwave ovens, drive through restaurants, and quick-serve everything.  It does something to the way kids think.
A little girl said to her friend, "I'm never having kids!  I hear they take nine months to download!"

On His Deathbed
Mr Jenkins, on his deathbed, knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter, and his two sons were with him. He asked for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all was ready he began to speak:
    "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
    "My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
    "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
    "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
    The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they didn't realize his extensive holdings, and as Bill slipped away, the nurse said, "Mrs. Jenkins, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property."
    The wife replied, "He had a paper route."


Taking a Walk with Newborn Daughter
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my newborn daughter in the stroller. I chatted to her about the scenery and the weather as we went along. When a man and his dog approached, I leaned over and half whispered, "See the doggy?"
Suddenly I felt a little silly talking to a baby as if she understood me. But just as the man passed, I noticed he reached down, patted his dog and said, "See the baby?"

Our Parrot Keeps Us Laughing

by Gwen Anderson
Used with permission

Our son, Blake's parrot is insulting me every time I cook.  This evening the buzzer went off on the oven, reminding me that it was time to pull dinner out.  As I walked over to the oven, to open it, Jasper proceeded to whistle out a perfect imitation of our fire alarm.  He does this almost every time I go to open the oven. For your information, I do not routinely burn things. 

Awhile back I was caramelizing the BBQ sauce on some ribs and they smoked a little bit - the smoke alarm went off and I KNEW he was going to pick up on that sound. When you live with a grey, you quickly learn the types of sounds they are particularly fond of.  Now practically every time I go to open the oven - the Jasper fire alarm goes off.  I have shared this previously, so what was the difference this time?  He did the fire alarm and then proceeded to laugh, when I said "Really Jasper?"  Silly Bird!

By the way, my daughter, Heather's efforts to teach him a new thing over Christmas paid off.  He now says, "Wascully Wabbit" almost perfectly in Elmer Fudd's voice.

We laugh at this bird all day long. He blows us away with the connections he makes. When I am carrying laundry upstairs, he sees me with the clothes in my arms and makes the washing machine beeps.  If you start to take a drink he makes the swallow sound.  When we open the back door he calls for the dog.  He calls out my name in my husband, Wade's voice, Blake's name in my voice, and Wade's name in my voice. When the phone rings he says, "Hello."  He is a neat pet. When the dog starts barking, he calls out, "Sophie, come here."

One time I was walking downstairs and he was out. I didn't know he was above me till he poked his head out between the stair rails and said, "Peek - a p boo."

Why Do I Run?

by Ed Cunningham

Why do I run?  Tain't no mystery --
   Wanna have a good medical history.
Doctor told me runnin' is great --
   Helps my blood cells circulate.

Great for the lungs, great for the ticker.
   Can't nothin' get ya in better shape quicker.
Feels so healthy, feels so sweet,
   Pumpin' my arms and flappin' my feet.

Moldin' my muscles, firmin' my form,
   Pantin' like a pack mule, sweating up a storm.
Keeps me youthful, keeps me loose,
   Tightens my tummy and shrinks my caboose.

Beats bein' sluggish, beats bein' lazy --

  So why do I run?  Maybe I'm crazy!

Humor

HOW TO PUT AN END TO SPRING FEVER MISCHIEF

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

     Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

     Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said, "First Question: Which tire?"

 

HOW TO PUT AN END TO CHURCH GOSSIP

     Gertrude, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra- curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. 

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup truck in from of Gertrude's house -- walked home --- and left it there all night.    

Your gotta love Frank for such creativity!

Adam and Eve

Author unknown - Thanks to Barb Campbell in Mississippi for sending this!

 

        One day God was walking through the Garden of Eden. After a short while, he came across Adam. Adam was in low spirits this particular day, and God asked him what was wrong. Adam told the Lord that he was lonely.
        God responded that He would create Adam a companion. She would walk by his side for all eternity. She would listen to his problems. She would wash his clothes. She would keep his house clean. She would cook his meals. She would do anything to keep him happy. Most importantly, she would never complain or nag him.
        To this Adam was ecstatic. His spirits lifted immediately. The Lord hated to tell him that this creature would come at a price. God told Adam that the creature would cost him an
arm and a leg.

        Adam responded, "What can I get for a rib?" ... And the rest is history.

A Letter Home from Scout Camp / How to Survive Baby Boot Camp

Author unknown ~ As heard on Insight for Living ~ read by Chuck Swindoll ~ Hilarious!

Dear Mom and Dad,

        Our Scout Master told us to write home to our parents in case you saw the flood on television and are worried.  We are okay.  Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away.  Luckily none of us got drowned, because we were all up in the mountains looking for Chad when it happened.  Oh, yes!  Please call Chad's mom and tell her that he's okay.  He can't write because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the Search and Rescue jeeps.  It was neat!  We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightening.  Our Scout Master, Walt, got really mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.  Chad said he did tell him, but it was probably during the fire, so he probably didn't hear him.   Did you know that if you put gas on a fire the gas can will blow up?  The wet wood did not burn, but one of the tents did.  David is going to look weird until his hair grows back!
        Now we'll all be home on Saturday, if Scout Master Walt, gets the car fixed.  It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked okay when we left.  Scout Master Walt said that with a car that old, you have to expect something to break down.  That's probably why he can't get any insurance.  We think it's a neat car!  He doesn't care if we get it dirty and sometimes when it's hot, he lets us ride on the fenders.  We just take turns.  But it gets pretty hot with ten people in a car!  He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the Highway Patrolman stopped and talked to us.  Scout Master Walt is a neat guy!  In fact, he's teaching Terry how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.  Did you know that you don't need guardrails on roads that don't have much traffic?  All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
        This morning all the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scout Master Walt wouldn't let me, cause I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he'd sink because of that big cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake together.  It was so great!  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.  Scout Master Walt isn't crabby like some scout masters.  He didn't even get mad about our losing the life jackets.  He has to spend a lot of time working on the old car, so we're trying not to cause him any trouble. 
        Guess what?  We have all passed the test for our First Aid merit badges.  When Dave dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.  Wade and I threw up, but Scout Master Walt said it was probably food poisoning from the leftovers from the old chicken.  He said they used to get sick that way from the food they ate in prison.   I'm glad he got out, because he became our scout master!  He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing time.  I have to go now.  We're going to town to mail letters and buy bullets.  Don't worry about anything!  We're all fine!
Love, Cole   

Note from Lois: Regardless of this wild and hilarious letter written home about camp, there are many wonderful camps that treat your children and grandchildren as the treasures that they are, as well as teach biblical principles!  I hope you look up one!


HOW TO SURVIVE BABY BOOT CAMP
When you bring your baby home from the hospital, the rigors of basic training begin.

Read this article by Rebecca Ingram Powell: http://www.family.org/parenting/A000000457.cfm
She is a wife, mother of three, and the author of Baby Boot Camp: Basic Training for the First Six Weeks of Motherhood.  You can visit her website at http://www.rebeccapowell.com

Marriage Vows

From Joe over At Clean Laughs.   mailto:clean-laffs@shagmail.com  As seen on Sermon Fodder and Joke A Day Ministries.   http://www.sermonfodder.com

Bill and his fiancé Mary met with the minister to discuss their marriage vows.
"Pastor," said Mary, "I wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony."
"Yes, Mary," replied the pastor, "It is sometimes done. What do you have in mind?"
"Well," said Mary, "I'd like to alter the 'until death do us part' section to read, 'Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.'"

Moms, Do You Get Out Much?

From The Good, Clean Funnies List - www.gcfl.net/latest.php - Thanks to Barb Campbell, a homeschooling mom in MS for this!

 

        While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.  He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.  With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."
        Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.
        The man looked at me then and said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"

Outdoor Barbecuing: The Only Type of Cooking some Husbands Will Do

Thanks to Linda Crosby in Virginia for sending this!

In preparation for the traditional kick-off to summer, here's a little humor.

When a husband volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The wife goes to the store.
2. The wife fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The wife prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a tall, cold beverage.
4. The husband places the meat on the grill.
5. The wife goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The wife comes out to tell the husband that the meat is burning.
7. The husband takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the wife.
8. The wife prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the wife clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The husband asks the wife how she enjoyed "her night off". And upon seeing her annoyed reaction concludes that it is just impossible to please some women!

We all know that many husbands do help with cooking, so please take this as humor.  But then again, if the shoe fits ...

The Power of a Touch / Fatherhood

Daily Encounter by Dick Innes - Copyright by ACTS International - Used by permission - www.actsweb.org/detoday  

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing" (1 Thessalonians 5:11, NIV).

The word encourage simply means to put courage into another -- something we all need to receive regularly.

Years ago -- I was little more than a kid -- one of the men in our church squeezed my arm affectionately and spoke a kind word as I passed by him.

I've never forgotten that tiny touch which to me was a big encouragement. Some years later I recall how in my beginning days of ministry after speaking to a youth group one of the members in attendance said to me, "Thank you for being God's messenger to me today." I've never forgotten her words and those of many others along the way either. (Sadly, though, a cutting word can have the opposite long-term effect.)

Encouragement. So easy to give, costs nothing, and worth its weight in gold.

As Leo Buscaglia said, "The majority of us lead quiet, unheralded lives as we pass through this world. There will most likely be no ticker-tape parades for us, no monuments created in our honor. But that does not lessen our possible impact, for there are scores of people waiting for someone just like us to come along; people who will appreciate our compassion, our unique talents. Someone who will live a happier life merely because we took the time to share what we had to give. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have a potential to turn a life around.  It's overwhelming to consider the continuous opportunities there are to make our love felt." 1

Be sure to encourage--and put courage into--someone today, especially your own loved ones.
 
Suggested prayer: "Dear God, thank you for all the people who have encouraged me along the way. They are greatly appreciated. And please help me to be an encourager to someone else every single day just as others have encouraged me. Thank you for hearing and answering
my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen."

1. Leo Buscaglia, cited on Inspirational Peak! http://www.inspirationpeak.com/

"I have known ninety-five of the world's great men in my time, and of these eight-seven were followers of the Bible. The Bible is stamped with a Specialty of Origin, and an immeasurable distance separates it from all competitors."     -- W.E. Gladstone (Prime Minister)


FATHERHOOD
From the Good Clean Funnies ~ Thanks to Wanda Fox in Pennsylvania for sending this!

        Four expectant fathers were in the hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.  The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Twin Star Enterprise!"
        The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets!"  "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation!"
        When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.  "Another coincidence! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
        At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask, "What's wrong?"
"What's wrong?  I work for Seven-Up!"

Family Reunions - How Does Your Family Compare with This One?

THE FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH
(This would be a great game at reunions!)

Thanks to Karen Coughlin in Florida for this cute family tree!

His dizzy aunt -------------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes --------------------Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -----------------U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois ----------------------Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin --------------------------------A mee Gogh
The nephew  who drove a stage coach--------Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle --------------------------------Flamin Gogh
The fruit loving cousin --------------------------Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---------------------------Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----------------------------Go Gogh
A niece who travels the country in an RV --Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling --------------------------------- There ya Gogh!

Smile! Punctuation and Spelling Really DO Matter!

A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.
  -- Cited on ArcaMax.com

Church Humor

Contributed by Linda Crosby, Virginia

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going  to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.  Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the 
announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."  At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star  Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business." 

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.  "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."  Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " 

(Note from Lois: When we view those gorgeous sunrises and sunsets, we know that our Father certainly is an artist and He creates breathtaking art in heaven!)

Handy Cleaning Tips

Author unknown ~ Contributed by Bernadine Teague, Missouri

Dirt: Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations)

Pet Hair: Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests: If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly.

Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another favorite from Erma Bombeck:  Always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean. You figure if you can live in it, they can surely stand it for 30 minutes.

Things Overheard on Noah's Ark

Contributed by Barb Campbell, Mississippi

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "OK, who's the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, Quick!"

5. "Don't Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice Doggie!"

And the number one thing heard on Noah’s Ark … 1. "Are We There Yet?"

Taking a Centipede to Church

Your kids will enjoy this one!  Author unknown ~ Contributed by Bernie Teague of Missouri 

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.  So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.  After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.  He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.  So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, we will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings."  But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.  He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about the Lord!  You are going to love this!  A little voice came out of the box... "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

Tips and Humor

Make some brush piles for the birds. Instead of throwing away your yard trimmings to be buried in a landfill, you can provide shelter and cover for your fine feathered friends in a corner of your property.  Winter is when brush piles are most needed by birds.  A few branches, debris from the summer garden, and later your discarded Christmas tree will be welcome shelter for winter feeder guests. ~ Lois

I made a unique discovery.  When I desperately called a nurse because my stomach was so sour and I couldn't keep food down, she suggested lemon or vanilla flavored yogurt.  I couldn't believe it, but was desperate.  I don't even like yogurt.  With the first bite though, my stomach said it was so good, it wanted more.  My stomach then began to heal and that helped considerably.  The nurse said it coats the stomach.  So I'm passing the word around. ~ Bernie in MO

A little boy was afraid to go to Sunday School because he heard his teacher talking about putting some children in the furnace.  He told his mother, which prompted her to ask the teacher what this meant.  After thinking for a long while, the teacher realized what it was.  She had recently been discussing with her co-teacher about whether or not to drop some of the inactive children from the "register!"  ~ by Elinor VA

Here's a good laugh for all you Northerners who like to tease Southerners mercilessly: I wanted to surprise my wife with a plant from the florist. When I called in my order, I asked the florist if he had any fern plants. The very southern florist replied, "No but we have domestic ones!" -- by Chuck Rife,

proud to be from the North ~ contributed by Eileen Rife, VA 

A woman was asked by a coworker, "What is it like to be a Christian?"   The coworker replied, "It is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt off of you. Then he cuts off the top and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc., and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His light inside of you to shine for all the world to see."  ~ sent by Shelley Camden, VA

*Not one of us can say we didn't go on a trip this year!  "Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year!"

*How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

*Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.

*Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open. 

*Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened.

*We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors....but they all exist very nicely in the same box.

*A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour. ~ from Barb Campbell, MS

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.  She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop!  Acts 2:38!"  (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)   The burglar stopped in his tracks.  The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.  As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?  All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar.  "She said she had an ax and two 38's!" ~ Annamarie Kresge, VA

Two Thanksgiving Stories

A PRE-THANKSGIVING STORY

Author unknown - contributed by Bernadine in Missouri

The turkey shot out of the oven and rocketed into the air.  It knocked every plate off the table and partly demolished a chair.   It ricocheted into a corner and burst with a deafening boom, then splattered all over the kitchen, completely obscuring the room.  It stuck to the walls and the windows. It totally coated the floor. There was turkey attached to the ceiling, where there'd never been turkey before.  It blanketed every appliance.  It smeared every saucer and bowl. There wasn't a way I could stop it - that turkey was out of control!  I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure, and thought with chagrin as I mopped, that I'd never again stuff a turkey, with popcorn that hadn't been popped. ~ author unknown - with good reason!

TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING

Author unknown - contributed by Joyce in Virginia

Twas the night of Thanksgiving, I just couldn't sleep,

I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beaconed -- the dark meat and white,

But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,

The leftovers, the thought became infatuation.

So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,

And gazed at the fridge, with goodies galore!

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,

Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling, so plump and so round,

Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!

I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky,

With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.

But I managed to yell, as I soared past the trees,

Happy Eating to All, Pass the cranberries, please!

May your stuffing be tasty, may your turkey be plump,

May your potatoes 'n gravy have nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious, may your pies take the prize,

May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs!

May your Thanksgiving truly be blessed!

Count your blessings!  Name them one by one!

Count your many blessings.  See what God has done!

How to Stay Married!

Author unknown, including the prayer at the end.

 

        A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.  They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.  In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.  He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "My grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll." 

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "That explains the doll, but what about all of this money?  Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "That's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A Prayer ... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'm afraid I might hurt him.  And I don't know how to crochet. - Amen! 

We're All Getting Older

Thanks to Barb Campbell in Mississippi for this great humor!

Lost in the Strangest Places ~ An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator! " she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Family ~ Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses as she wonders, "Was I going up the stairs or down?"  The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

Cruising Along ~ Two elderly women were out driving in a large car.  Both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.  The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I was sure we just went through a red light!"  After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.  Again, they went right through.  The woman in the passenger seat was sure that the light had been red again, but was really concerned that she was losing it.  She was getting nervous!  At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.  So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row?  You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, dear!  Am I driving?"  

Old Friends ~ Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play games. One day, they were playing games when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.  I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!  I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Driving on the Freeway ~ As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.  Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"
"Gracious!" said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"