Lots of Family Smiles & Misinterpretations

Lots of Family Smiles

(Ladies, are you scribbling down the cute things your kids do and say, along with their name and date, and saving them in an envelope?  I hope you are!  Someday you will be so glad you preserved them.  When you have an empty nest, you can type them up and give each expectant daughter and daughter-in-law a notebook, compiling all those adorable sayings from your family!  It will be a priceless treasure to her!  Only two of these below are from our family.)

       

   Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tried everything. Tutors, Mentors, flash cards, Special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

        Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.

        Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

        To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

        Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.
        With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

        She could no longer hold her curiosity.  She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?  Was it the nuns?"  Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.  "Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"  Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

        The minister of a well-attended, strong, and enthusiastic church often showed himself ready and able to deal with any situation that might come up. One Sunday, just as he was reaching the climax of his sermon, his own young son entered the church, ran to the center aisle, started making loud beeps and vrrrmms like a car without a muffler, then zoomed right toward him. The minister stopped his sermon, pointed severely at his son, and commanded, "Jimmy, park the car immediately beside your mother on that bench (pointing), turn off the ignition, and hand her the keys." The sermon continued undisturbed ... after a good laugh by the congregation. 

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt - when little Jason interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"

Pointing at each figure, the teacher said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

A two-and-a-half-year-old walked into the bathroom while her mother was putting on make-up.
"I'm going to look just like you, Mommy!" she announced.
"Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.
"No Mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always use."

A ten year old boy fell off his bike and hurt his knee pretty badly, next door to his home and hobbled home, crying.  He whimpered to his mom that his big sister had some “big bandages” in her bedroom that would cover the big sore on his knee.  The mother didn't know which bandages he meant, so he went and got them and came back carrying a “Maxi-thin!”  Oh my goodness!

A normally sweet, happy and well-behaved little two year old boy was out of sorts one day.  He tore one of his books, threw a ripening tomato off the sundeck, smashing it to smithereens, and stuck out his tongue at another child at the pool!  My child! 

The following "Family Smiles" are from the Parenting Tip e-mail from the National Center for Biblical Parenting, written by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.  
www.biblicalparenting.org   Used by permission

        At one point during a little league game, the coach gathered his players around him and said, "Do you boys understand why we play baseball?"
        One boy answered, "To have fun, coach."
        "That's right! And do you understand that what's more important than winning or losing?
        Another boy answered, "The attitude we have during the game."
        All the boys are in agreement and nodding their heads.
        "So," the coach continued, "When a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire.  Do you understand all that?"  There was no question, all the boys agreed. 
        "Good," said the coach.  "Now go over there to the bleachers and explain that to your parents."

Even though we were on a shoestring grad-student budget, my wife insisted we pay off the hospital bill when our son was born. Now we had to figure out how to meet our other financial obligations. We were discussing this one night when the baby began crying for a diaper change. As my wife picked him up, she sighed, "He's the only thing in this house that's paid for - and he leaks."

        A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her shopping cart. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
        He passed the mom again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
        The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
        The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen."
        The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy.  I'm Ellen."     

        One evening after dinner, five-year-old Brian noticed that his mother had gone out. I told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Dad?" I've always given my son honest answers, so I figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, Brian," I said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." Brian nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

        When Mr Johnson stopped the school bus to pick up little April for preschool, he noticed an older woman hugging her as she left the house. "Is that your grandmother?" Mr Johnson asked.
        "Yes, he's come to visit us for a week."
        "How nice," Mr Johnson replied. "Where does she live?"
        "At the airport," the little girl replied. "Whenever we want her, we just go out there and get her." 

        A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that he had a cavity that would have to be filled. "Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.  

A little girl asked Jesus into her heart one Sunday to the delight of her parents.  The next day, she got mad at her little brother and hit him.  Her father saw this and said, "I thought Jesus was living in your heart."  She replied, "He is, but I think He's sleeping right now."

        "Mom, I know how to spell 'sex' " my five-year-old son, Billy, reported as he entered the kitchen.
        Not wanting to overreact I took a deep breath and responded in as calm a voice as I could, "Oh, really, where did you hear that word?"
        "I don’t know, but I know how to spell it," he persisted.
        "Okay," I said, "how do you spell it?"
        "S-E-C-S" Billy responded confidently.
        "Okay, I smiled, "Do you know what that means?" I said, preparing myself for where this conversation was going.
        "Sure, it's short for seconds."    

One dad said, "I have four kids and I'm better off than the man who has four million dollars. I know that because the man who has four million dollars wants five."

One mom said, "I have a daughter who, from the time she could talk, has tried her hand at negotiating with me. Even though my husband and I don't give in to her antics she still continues. She apparently believes that if she can just make me understand her position than I'll gladly change my mind. One day when she was just 2 1/2 years old, after a discipline time, she came to me and said, "Mommy, I've got an idea.  How about you don't say 'No' anymore and we'll all be happy."

        A school teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his snow boots. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots didn't want to go on. After getting the second boot on, the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
        She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on but she managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots on the right feet.
        He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than scream, "Why didn't you say so?" Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
        No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots.  My mom made me wear 'em."  Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
        Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"  He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

        Our neighbors were going on vacation and asked my ten-year-old daughter, Sara, to take care of their dog. She would have to feed and walk the dog every day and especially give him lots of love. Then my neighbor asked Sara what the job would be worth to her.  Sara thought for a moment and said, "I'd really like that job.  I could give you five dollars."  Needless to say, she got the job.

 

        While waiting for an elevator in a shopping mall, one mom bent down to remind her young boys that it's polite to wait at the side of the doors so people can get off before you get on.  As she straightened up, she saw ten adults quickly lining up to the side behind her children. 

A mother with two young children put them to bed and went to prepare herself for bed. She put on some old clothes and went to the bathroom. She washed her hair and wrapped a towel around her head to dry her hair. She applied cold cream on her face to remove her makeup. Just as she was about to wipe off the cream, she heard the noise of her children playing in their room. She stormed into the room, forced her two small children back into bed, reminded them that it was time to sleep, turned out the light and slammed the door. As she left the room, one of the children asked the other, “Who was that?”

        Upon discovering her first gray hair one mom immediately wrote to her parents, "Dear Dad and Mom, You saw my first steps. You might want to experience this with me too." She taped the offending hair to the paper and mailed it. 

        A few days later she received the following response, "Thank you, but I just want you to know that this is not the first gray hair you've given us!"

        A woman frantically called out to her husband who was working in the yard. "Our son swallowed a nickel so I turned him upside down and hit him on the back and he coughed up two dimes. What should I do?"
        Her husband replied, "Keep feeding him nickels!"  

MISINTERPRETATIONS    
Thanks to JoAnn in Arkansas for sending this!

When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, "Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses." My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart. 

Groton, MA -  My mother spent her early childhood saying, "Hail Mary, full of grapes." 

Missoula, MT. - My son, who is in nursery school, said, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?"

Uniontown, OH - I remember thinking this prayer was "Give us this day our jelly bread." 

Covina, CA - I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, "I led the pigeons to the  flag." 

Cleveland, OH - When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: "I pledge allegiance to the flag . . . And to the republic for Richard Stands." 

Tampa, FL. - When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain Prayer was "He suffered under a bunch of violets." The real words were "under Pontius Pilate," but at that age, he didn't know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read. 

Oak Harbor, WA - When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say when he gives you the  bread?" Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later  when he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your  seat."

Grand Junction, CO - When I was younger, I believed the line was "Lead a snot into temptation." I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."