by Elisabeth K. Corcoran, 2010 - Used by permission
I recently read about triangles in relationships. That sometimes, especially in the family dynamic, there are triangles. Meaning, there is a third person in a relationship that has either inserted herself unnecessarily or has been dragged in due to some kind of dysfunction. Talk about a light bulb moment.
I realized that I am the third person in my daughter’s relationship with her father, in my son’s relationship with his father, and my kids’ relationship with each other. Now, as kids grow up, of course, we are the referees. A lot. But my kids are 11 and 13 and I am tired. Just last week I heard my daughter calling downstairs with this complaint…”Mom, Jack touched my vitamin…” to which I’m thinking, but not saying outloud, “So what?!”
But this whole triangle thing has gotten me thinking. The author basically said that every adult is one hundred percent responsible for the health (or decline) of every relationship in their lives. Though Sara and Jack still need coaching from time to time on respect and conflict resolution, they will eventually be in charge of whether or not the two of them are friends as they move into adulthood. I can create an environment of kindness but I cannot manufacture anything right now that will guarantee their level of closeness in the future. If they choose to be close, that’ll be up to them. And that’s actually quite a relief if you think about it.
And as far as my kids and my husband go…well, it’s easy for me as the more laid-back parent of the two to side with my kids every once in awhile on their dad’s choice of consequence or tone, etc., but I realized it’s not doing any of them any good when I intervene (for the most part…let me say that there may be extreme circumstances when completely letting go isn’t appropriate). But when Kevin stands before God, he’s going to have to account for what he did and didn’t do about his relationships with his son and his daughter, and conversely, I need to get my hands out their relationships because I’ve got enough work to do to make sure my relationship with each one of them is as healthy as it can be.
But back to my kids for a minute. So, I shared this whole triangle concept with them. We began by reading some verses in Psalm 139 so I could remind them that we are all equally created by God. Then we moved to I John where it talked about our call to love each other. We talked about some simple conflict resolution ideas to do in the heat of the moment (take a deep breath, ask Jesus for help, walk away if you have to, etc.) and then I told them that I’m going to be really working on taking myself out of their triangles (even little comments that I make…if it doesn’t have to do anything with me, I’m going to work on staying out of it)…that they really need to try to fix whatever is going on with the person they have the problem with first before coming to me, but that I’ll always be a safe place for them.
Frankly, I wasn’t sure if they were getting it at all. But the next day, I walked in on the tail end of a small argument between Sara and Jack. Jack began reenacting it for me…then Sara did this…and I said, “So, what are you going to do about it?” I said this as an attempt to put it back in his court but he thought I was intervening and he responded, respectfully, “Hey, get out of our triangle!” I laughed until a tear rolled down my cheek…not only had he listened…he actually got it.
So, moms, let’s get out of some of our relational triangles. It’ll be difficult, I know. Especially for those of us who are control freaks, me included. But it will free you up mentally and emotionally to deal with your own responsibilities and your own relationships…just like you should be.
Elisabeth lives her with husband and children in Illinois. She is the author of He Is Just That Into You: Stories of a Faithful God who Pursues, Engages, and Has No Fear of Commitment (WinePress), In Search of Calm: Renewal for a Mother’s Heart (Xulon), and Calm in My Chaos: Encouragement for a Mom’s Weary Soul (Kregel). All of her books can be purchased on Amazon or through her website at http://www.elisabethcorcoran.com/ Check out her book trailer for He Is Just That Into You at http://www.vimeo.com/7093233. Visit her blog at http://elisabethcorcoran.blogspot.com/.
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