Life Lessons: Learning to Parent Young Men

by Julie Druck - Editor of A Heart for Home - To subscribe: aheartforhome-subscribe@welovegod.org - Used by permission

 

Years ago, when the nurse found out that I had just delivered my third son, she spoke words that I’ll never forget: “You’ll never have a vote, but you’ll ALWAYS be Queen.”

 

She was right. I AM the Queen, and I love it.   But I’ve got to tell you that it’s not always easy being the only woman in a houseful of men. And yes, I mean men. With a husband, a son who’s almost 19, another who’s almost 17 and yet another who is 15, there are no longer any little boys in the house. And this fact has changed everything!

 

I’ve now gone through the period of early adolescence with three boys, and every time I experienced the same thing.   A natural (or should I say, supernatural) phenomenon takes place around the age of 14 or so in a young man’s life. I found that with each of my sons, the hardest time in our mother-son relationship was the year between ages 14 and 15. That time period was the transition when my sons went from boys to men, physically and mentally. And when they went from boys to men, Mommy disappeared and Mom took her place. Let me explain.

 

When my oldest son was about 14, I heard a Christian man give a talk called, “What’s A Mother to Do with Teenage Sons?” This man so succinctly and wisely explained that God has amazingly designed young boys in such a way that not only do their bodies prepare for manhood but so do their minds. He talked about the fact that God has called men to the role of leader of the home. And, as usual, when God calls, He equips. And the way He equips boys to take on their God-given role as a leader is to cause them to start acting like men! That may sound obvious; however, it changes everything for mothers.

 

It means that the little boy who was always provided for and protected begins to want to provide and protect. The little boy who had to be led across the street begins to lead the way. The little boy who delighted in approval now wants to be the affirmer. How each boy grows into these things looks different, yet the same thing is required of each mother – to help her son to grow into these things. How? By encouraging and allowing them to provide, protect, lead and affirm.

 

The speaker wisely explained that we, as mothers, need to begin treating our growing sons more like we treat our husbands. He explained the importance of speaking words of respect, asking for their advice and help, and calling them to take on more responsibility. In essence, we must encourage them to act like men. This can be tricky work at times because our sons remain under the responsibility of obeying their parents. And yet, the speaker helped me see things from a son’s perspective, explaining the intricate dance in continuing to honor their mother and, at the same, work on becoming a man who would one day lead a wife.  

 

Thankfully, God placed this knowledge in my hands just when I needed it. At a time when I was struggling to give guidance and my son was wanting to lead instead of follow, it helped me know that I wasn’t necessarily doing something wrong as a mother and that my oldest son wasn’t being deliberately defiant! When I realized that it was a God-ordained process to help my sons grow into godly men, it became easier for me to see why there was often frustration in our relationship. And it also helped me see that I needed to take a different role in the life of my son – to encourage him in becoming what God was making him into.

 

How did that look in practical ways? It will, of course, look different for every mother-son relationship. For me, it means sometimes being quiet instead of giving my sons a reminder; asking them to do something for me at their own convenience instead of mine; giving them time to make a decision instead of hounding them; asking them what I should do about a situation; not hindering them from trying something new.

 

It isn’t, of course, an easy transition going from Mommy to Mom, but it is a good one - one that has been ordered by God. And, like everything else that God orders, it brings good and peace into our lives if we allow it. Though at times difficult, it has been an awesome privilege to watch my boys become men. And God, in His great grace, allows me to reap the benefits of this grand metamorphosis.