Sunday, April 16, 2017


compiled by Lois Breneman

Why does a rabbit have a shiny nose?
The powder puff is at the other end!

What's the difference between the bird flu and swine flu?
One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment!

What do you call the story of the Three Little Pigs?
A Pig Tail!

What holds up the moon?

What is green, has 2 legs, and a trunk?
Grandpa, wearing a green jacket, while boarding a cruise ship!

What did the windshield wiper say to the other wiper?
Isn't it a shame that we only meet when it rains?

Where does King Arthur go to study?
Knight school!

When life is tough, what can you always count on?
Your fingers?

When does running mean walking?
When you run out of gas!

What happens when a cow jumps over barbwire?
Utter destruction!

What two girls' names are the same spelled forward and backward?
Anna and Hannah

What kind of a tool does an ape use to fix a leaky faucet?
A monkey wrench!

What do you call a hen that is afraid to cross the street?
A chicken!

What did the prisoners say when the jail flooded?
Would someone please bail us out?

What makes everyone sick except those who swallow it?

What will you find in the center of gravity?
The letter "V!"

Why did the chicken quit her job?
She was tired of working for chicken feed!

Where does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary!

What increases its value by being turned upside down?
The number 6!

Where does the sandman like to keep his sleeping sand?
In his knapsack!

Where can you find success, health, wealth, and happiness?
In the dictionary!

Who can stay single, even if he marries many women?
A minister!

What's big, green, and eats rocks?
A big green rock eater!

Who is Ferris?
The big wheel at the amusement park!

What would you have if you crossed a kangaroo with a 747 airplane?
A jet that makes short hops!

How does and elephant get to the top of a tree?
He sits on an acorn and waits for it to grow!

What did the pig say at the beach on a hot sunny day?
I'm bacon!
Why are farmers cruel?
They pull corn by the ears and beat the cream to make butter!

Why did the farmer name his pig, "Ink?"
Because he kept running out of the pen!

What did the judge say when a skunk entered the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
What do you call a pile of cats?
A meowtain!
You've got to be kitten!

What did the old man do when he thought he was going to die?
He moved into the living room!

What's the best way to talk to a roaring lion?
Long distance!
Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank!

Where do sea creatures eat?
At Fish and Ships!

Why are oysters lazy?
Because they're always found in bed!

What is yellow and wears a mask?
The Lone Lemon!

Why should women who swim in the ocean never be afraid?
Sharks are man eaters!

What kind of bird do you find in your mouth?
A swallow!

Why was the mummy afraid to go to the beach?
He was afraid to relax and unwind!

What did one pencil say to the other?
I've got a leadache!
Why couldn't the clock be kept in jail?
Because time was always running out!

How are an eye doctor and teacher alike?
They both test pupils!

I saw something last night that I'll never get over!  What was it?
The moon!

What's always behind time?
The back of a watch!

Why do they put a fence around a graveyard?
Too many people are dying to get in!

When is a black dog not a black dog?
When it's a greyhound!

What stays hot even when you put it in the refrigerator?
Hot peppers!

What did the mother sardine say to the baby sardine when they saw a submarine?
Don't be afraid!  It's only a can of people!

What goes over the tongue and through the eyes?
A shoestring!

What does an Eskimo eat for lunch?
Cold cuts!

What is soft and grey and looks like gun powder?
Instant Elephant!

Where is the best place to go to see man-eating fish?
Seafood restaurant!

What does every dieter hope for?
Lean years ahead!

What do you call a rabbit who's never been out of the house?
An ingrown hare!
What do you call taxi cabs lined up at the Dallas Airport?
Yellow rows of taxis!

Who do you get when you put a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie!

What do you call a sticky black bird?
A velcrow!

Who was in charge of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Cumference!

What do you get when you cross a bumblebee with a door bell?
Either a humdinger or a buzzer!

What is the purpose of goosebumps?
To slow down speeding geese!

What should you do when you have ringing in your ears?
Answer it and see who it is!

What steps should you take if a tiger charges you?
You take long ones!

Why is a snake so smart?
No body can every pull his legs!

Can you name the four new states?
New York, New Jersey, New Hampshire and New Mexico

How do make Swiss cheese?
You start with whole milk!

What kind of building is it that when you go in the front, you're in the back?
A church!

Why did the lumberman quit his job?
He got bored.

What animal doesn't play fair?

When does 10+7=13?
When you add wrong.

What goes "Ha ha ha plop?"
Someone who laughs his head off.

How do you mend a broken heart?
You use ticker tape!

Why did the cow jump over the moon?
Because the farmer's hands were cold!

Why was the manager fired at the pretzel factory?
He tried to straighten things out!

Where can two people stand two inches apart without the chance of touching?
On each side of a door!

Where do you take a sick ship?
To the dock!

What do you call a person who loves money?
A doughnut!

Why is an empty purse always the same?
There's never any change in it!

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go ahead and I'll just hang around!

From what can you remove and eye and end up with only a nose?
The word, noise!

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
He wanted to hide in the strawberry patch!

What is the healthiest water?
"Well" water!

Why does a ballerina wear a tutu?
Because a one-one is too small and a three-three is too large!

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