Tuesday, March 27, 2012

How to Adjust Your Parenting Style for the Teen Years

FROM INFANTS TO TEENS
This is the 14th year for the Heart to Heart Newsletter.  I suddenly realized that infants of early subscribers of Heart to Heart, who began receiving the newsletter in February of 1999, would NOW be teenagers!  How time flies!  I learned of a wonderful resource for parents of teens, and was delighted when Mark Gregston promptly returned my phone call after asking for him permission to include his articles from time to time.  You can sign up for his newsletter as well.  See information below.


HOW TO ADJUST YOUR PARENTING STYLE FOR THE TEEN YEARS
by Mark Gregston - Heartlight Ministries - http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/
http://www.markgregston.com - Used by permission


Most of us tend to parent the same way we were parented.  Even those of us who vowed, “I’ll never do that to my kids,” often fall back to imitating what we saw from our parents.  The problem is that the world has changed.  Our parents would have been horrified by what our kids casually experience and discuss amongst themselves today.  Things are different, and your kids are changing every day as well. Are you keeping up?

I went to Chicago recently—and I’m here to tell you that it’s a bad idea for a thin-blooded Texan to make a trip up north in the middle of winter!  It was COLD.  Fortunately before I left, I got a big warm coat (though it wasn’t big and warm enough) and a hat and gloves to wear.  I could have said, “I shouldn’t have to wear something different,” but I likely would have ended up in the Chicago morgue.  Making that adjustment didn’t change who I was, it was simply a wise response to changing circumstances.

In the same way, parents need to adjust.  But they sometimes dig in their heels and refuse to change their parenting style to respond to the changes in the maturity of their children as they get older. But teens need their parents to recognize their growing maturity.  To adjust from controlling to coaching them doesn’t mean you are surrendering your core values or throwing up your hands in futility and giving up; it means you are meeting your kids at their level and respecting their individuality.

Parents who are unwilling to adjust tend to push away their teenagers or cause them to rebel.  I’m not saying that your child should be allowed to walk all over you; rules and boundaries must be set and maintained.  But adjusting can help your kids think you’re keeping up with their age and are in touch with their world—so they’ll be more likely to lean on you when they need help or to discuss the issues in their life.

Back in the Dark Ages when I grew up, information turned over every eleven years.  Today, it happens every nine months.  The pace of change has quickened, and if we are inflexible and refuse to acknowledge those changes, our kids see us as “dinosaurs,” out of touch with their world.  It’s more vital than ever that we stay engaged with our kids.  That means we need to know what’s going on in their lives and in their culture (which probably means we’re going to have to learn a new language or two) and to fit in with the way they relate to others in their world.

Unfortunately, another important authority in our kids’ life isn’t adjusting.  Lifeway Resources recently did a study that showed 85% of kids never attend church again after they graduate from high school.  It shows that there’s a huge disconnect between kids and the Church.  After talking to and working with thousands of young people, I’ve discovered that many of them feel like what they’re being taught there simply doesn’t apply to the world in which they live.  The Church isn’t answering the questions many of them are asking, and we can fail to so in our homes as well.

A New Way to Talk
The commanding communication style used when your kids were younger won’t work well when they are adolescents.  So stop lecturing; start discussing.  Stop talking; start listening.  Please understand that I’m not saying the old way is wrong.  It’s fine and it is needed for the care and nurturing of younger kids.  But the changes in the thinking process of your teen will require a new way to talk to them if you want to really get through to them.  Modifying the presentation doesn’t change the content of the message or the values of the messenger.  It just makes it easier for you to get through to your teenager.

Many well-meaning parents think they can protect their kids by sheltering them. They spend very little time preparing them for the real world because they aren’t in danger at the moment.  But they can only keep their kids isolated for so long. At some point they’re going out into that world—to a job, to college, to marriage—and it is vital that they be prepared for that day.  When you taught your kids to swim, you probably didn’t pick them up and throw them in the deep end of the pool.  You started them out splashing around in the shallow water, and gradually increased their exposure until they were ready and able to swim on their own.

Here’s a practical application of this principle: most parents wait too long to give their teens privileges and responsibilities.  Typically they drag their feet for about six months past the point where they should have.  I tell parents, “If you’re thinking about letting your teen do something, you probably should already have done it.”  If they have to fight for their independence, they are actually in self-preservation mode; they innately know they need to test out freedom to adjust to the world in which they will have to survive.

Having said that, I remain absolutely committed to protecting kids from danger.  For instance, I strongly urge parents not to let their 10-13 year old kids attend sleepovers or to be in the homes of their friends unattended.  That may sound old-fashioned, but it is at that early age that much harmful experimentation goes on.  If you look at the statistics of the first use of drugs, alcohol and sexual experimentation, it falls into that age range and anecdotal evidence points to kids picking up these habits when alone with their friends.  Give your kids freedoms, but as we say in the horse world “let out the reins” slowly.  Don’t do it in areas that will threaten their safety and their future, especially at the very impressionable “tween” years.

Breaking the Mold
One way to adjust your style is that instead of just telling your teenagers what to do (the way most of us were raised) have discussions with them; spend time working out the practical applications of the truths you have taught them.  Rather than lecturing, ask questions.  When you start asking questions, you convey a powerful positive message to them that they need to begin thinking on their own.  Asking questions makes them feel valued—at the most devaluing stage of their lives.  It empowers them to begin asking their own questions of you and about the negative things their peers may ask them to be involved in.

The answers you get to your questions will help you identify areas in which you may need to adjust or strengthen your teaching.  Do not be judgmental or reactionary.  If they are a teenager, you have already taught them all you’re going to teach them about your values; now affirm and guide them toward what is right.  If I’m counseling with a young person and they give a negative answer, I say something like, “That’s interesting.”  I don’t say “That’s wrong.”  I then keep the conversation going (with more questions) and try to guide them rather than smother them.  They’ll often come around to the right decision — based on the values they’ve been taught — if it is discussed openly and without condemnation.

Adjusting to your teen’s age and maturity is like hitting a moving target.  It’s not something you can do just once.  As they grow and mature and face new challenges, you need to keep changing right along with them.  The relationship is far more important than minor issues.  Don’t violate your principles, but do focus on what matters most and set aside the rest.  They say “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” but don’t wait until your teen spins out of control to make the needed changes.  Engage your child now, on their level, and make any changes or adjustments in order to improve your relationship with them and to prepare them for the all too soon day in which they will be out on their own.

Mark Gregston is an author, speaker, radio host, and the founder and director of Heartlight, a therapeutic boarding school located in East Texas. Call 903-668-2173. Visit http://www.heartlightministries.org, or to read other articles by Mark, visit http://www.markgregston.com.

Precious Gems

Thanks to all of you for your permission to include your Precious Gems in Heart to Heart and on the blog!
 
Landon (6):  "Are we really made out of dust?  But...I am allergic to dust!" ~ Danielle in Virginia 

This year we have been watching birds at our bird feeder and learning to identify them.  One day, my 10 year old son Joseph called me to come quickly.  "Mom, the porch is full of those...those...trashbirds you like."  I was confused and in looking out the window beheld about ten juncos!  Suddenly, I realized he had associated the "Junk" in junco to trash!  We all had a good laugh about that! ~ Doris in Pennsylvania
 
Someone told our 3 year old daughter, Martina, that she was adorable. Martina became quite miffed and declared, "I'n not dorable, I'n Martina." ~ Judy in Pennsylvania
 
Ben (4): "Mommy, I don't want the butter bread.  I just want the butter." ~ Sarah in Virginia
 
Our van had been giving us trouble – it wouldn’t always start – so we traded it in for another one. A few days later as we started on our errands Trenton (3 at the time) decided that “this is a good van because it starts.” ~ Judy in Pennsylvania
 
Marcus (8):  "Mom? Is it possible for a spider to crawl in your mouth and make a web?" "Uh... I guess so?" "But how is that possible when you have spit??" ~ Michelle in Virginia

Livy (21 mo.) just picked up my cereal bowl and said, "All gone." Then she asked, "Tickin?" (kitchen) and proceeded to take it to the kitchen and put it on the counter. That's my little helper! ~ Lori in Virginia

Ben's (4) version of the creation story:  "Adam and Eve ate the strawberry from the tree and they were naked."
Jeremiah's (6) version of the creation story: "Adam fell asleep, not because he ate from the tree, but because he was tired.  Then God took some of his guts." ~ Sarah in Virginia
 
Children say the cutest things. While subbing today, a kindergarten boy told me, "You really look handsome today!" ~ Rachel in Virginia

At the end of the day, a 1st grader asks me, "Mrs. Keller, when will it dry?"
Me: What will dry?
1st grader: Your hair.
I had put mousse on my hair and scrunching spray gel, so my hair had this "wet" look. ~ Rachel in Virginia

When discussing Savannah's upcoming "Star of the Day" day on Thursday, I asked her what special snack she would like to bring.  She said, "Green cupcakes with a mermaid on top."  I said I wasn't sure I could do that, and she replied in an exasperated tone, "Moooom, it's not like its hard.  You can draw a person with a tail, right?  Easy-peeesay." ~ Lauren in Virginia

Logan (3) just ran up to me saying, "I need a bang-bang!  I need a bang-bang!"  Having no idea what a bang-bang was, I was quite confused.  He then held up his thumb to show me his boo-boo which needed a bang-bang (bandaid) :) ~ Amanda in Virginia

When we visit our children and grandchildren, I usually take my sewing machine and let them know ahead of time that I'll be glad to do their mending while there, knowing they are all so busy.  Three year old Daniel has already been gathering a pile of clothing for me to mend, including a few plastic toys that are broken!  His mommy told him that Grammie can't fix the toys with her sewing machine, but he insists that I can! - Lois

Out of the blue my grandson, Daniel (3) told his mom, "There are 3 parts to God. The Holy Spirit, the Father & the Kid!"  I suppose he associated "Son" with being a "Kid," as he is! ~ Lois
 
Daniel (3) was playing with a toy character, having a conversation with him: "Mater, I liked the show that you were in ... that I used to watch in the good old days." ~ Rachael in Ohio

My daughter-in-law was telling me the prayer that our grandson, Daniel (3) prayed recently:  "Jesus, you're really going to be surprised about this!  My birthday is next month! ... Protect us from monsters, and what is that black spot on our gate?" I love that little guy!  He really knows how to carry on a good conversation with Jesus too! ~ Lois

Tips and Tidbits



A Very Special Wedding Gift ~ When our daughter got married years ago, my sister-in-law orchestrated a treasured gift for the new couple!  She brought a large artist's canvas, glass, a frame, lots of colored pens, rubber stamps, and ink pads along, as her family flew clear across the country to attend the wedding.  At the reception, she asked each guest to come and write a message to the bride and groom and sign their names.  Afterward the canvas was almost filled up, but she found tiny spaces to use her smaller rubber stamps to add heart, flowers, and all kinds of sweet additions in all colors to compliment the messages of the wedding guests.  In the end Aunt June framed the canvas, enclosing it in glass. Our daughter said many times that this was her favorite gift! 

Tons of Wedding Ideas to Stretch Your Budget ~ from Past Newsletters: http://www.heartfilledhome.blogspot.com/search/label/Weddings

Gardening the Easy Way ~  You could call this a "Bagged Garden!"  Purchase a bag of potting soil or top soil, and lay the bag out flat.  Cut some draining slits in the underside of the bag.  Flip it over and make holes for whatever you want to grow.  Plant flowers or vegetables in the holes. Several bags with plants growing inside could be grouped together with mulched leaves hiding the plastic.

Growing Potatoes in a Bucket ~ Cut out the bottom of five gallon buckets, place the buckets in good soil, place seed potatoes in the bottom with the sprouts pointing upward, and cover with soil.  Then keep adding soil as the potato plants grow!  You will yield "layers" of fresh potatoes by planting buckets full!  At harvest time, simply lift up the buckets, letting the soil and potatoes fall to the ground.   Firehouse Subs has five gallon pickle buckets for about $2 each, so get a few for this fun project that your children and grandchildren would enjoy!   I buy them for homemade laundry soap.  Check the website for the recipe.

Natural Lawn Fertilizer ~ Create a thick, luxurious and beautiful lawn, free of harmful chemicals by mixing the following in a large bucket (1 cup seaweed extract, 1 cup fish emulsion, and 1 gallon of cool tap water).  The first two ingredients can be purchased from a plant nursery, and possibly at a hardware store.  Using a hose end sprayer, spray the lawn with this natural fertilizer in the spring and autumn.  It should also take care of unwanted weeds.

The G. W. Boutique ~ This is one of my favorite places to find good bargains!  I have even found new or like-new specialty fabrics in ready-made clothing, which I've bought to cut up for various sewing projects.  I've found silk, leather, wool, and unusual designs to turn into other creations.  You no doubt have a "Boutique" like this in your neighborhood, also known as Goodwill.

You Can Make Your Own Tinted Moisturizer by purchasing a number 30 SPF moisturizer and mixing it yourself with about one-third the amount of liquid foundation.   You might want to mix enough for one application in your hand to be sure it works for you.

Protect Your Family's Integrity with an Internet Filter ~ www.besecure.com and www.covenanteyes.com are two good filters.

Children's Bible Ideas Unlimited ~ Betty Robertson provides ideas for your Sunday school class, VBS class or mid-week programming Are you a homeschool parent or grandparent? Children's Bible Ideas Unlimited is now on Facebook for your convenience! New ideas are added regularly.


Freezing Eggs ~ When eggs are on sale, it's a good time to stock up, as long as you have freezer space.  Crack an egg into each square of an ice cube tray.  After they freeze solid, they can be stored in a freezer bag, so they are easy to retrieve when cooking or baking.

Expanding a Recipe File ~ Other than recipe cards for everyday food, I like to write out fun specialty recipes for children, such as play dough, and various ways to serve food to resemble animals, a palm tree, or other objects.  A recipe file could also be expanded to include homemade cleaning recipes, homemade beauty treatments, science experiments, object lessons, as well as lawn and garden treatments.

For Sweet Smelling Dishcloths and Sponges, wet a dishcloth or sponge with water and rub it with a Fels Naptha bar of soap, then microwave on High for about 2 minutes to kill germs and get rid of that terrible dishcloth odor.

Squeezing Lemon and Lime Juice is much easier with a hand squeezer.  Walmart has a green one for limes and a yellow one for lemons.  After squeezing out as much juice as possible, I squeeze the fruit in my left hand while running a sharp paring knife inside the citrus, releasing even more juice and citrus goodness.


Great Sandwiches from Cold to Hot ~ When making large quantities of pulled chicken, barbecue, pork barbecue, or sloppy Joes, you can plan ahead for easy meals later in this way.  Line muffin pans with paper cupcake liners (not foil), and fill each one with a meat mixture.  After they are frozen solid, remove cake liners with meat from muffin pans and store in a labeled freezer bag.  Then when you need a quick meal, simply microwave the contents of one cake liner and serve it on a hamburger bun or slice of whole grain bread.

To Realize the Value

Source unknown

To realize the value of a sister/brother: ask someone who doesn't have one.
To realize the value of ten years: ask a newly divorced couple.
To realize the value of four years: ask a graduate.
To realize the value of one year: ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of one month: ask a mother who has given birth to a premature  baby.
To realize the value of one minute: ask a person who has missed the train, bus or plane.
To realize the value of one-second: ask a person who has survived an accident. 
Time waits for no one. Treasure every moment you have.
To realize the value of a friend or family member: Lose one.
Remember....Hold on tight to the ones you love!

Opa Bears

by Mary Fenzel Abramski - http://things2dob4dying.wordpress.com/ - Used by permission

When you have someone special in your life to die, it's hard to know what to do with their clothes.  Do you just throw them out?  Donate them?  What do you do with them?

After my daddy died, I had a friend ask for one of his shirts.  Daddy always wore flannel shirts with Khaki's.  I was not sure what she was going to do with the shirt but I knew it was in good hands and that she would return it back in good condition.  What I did not know is that she would turn the shirt into what is now called in our family an "Opa Bear.”

When I got my Opa Bear back I was so happy.  It was nice to have something from my father that I could give to my daughter that was usable.  Her Opa Bear has been in her bed since the day she was born!  When I see the Bear it reminds me of a lot of good memories and I'm able to share those stories with my daughter about her Opa.

Because I thought that this was such a fantastic idea, I wanted all of Daddy's grand-kids to have an Opa Bear.  I asked my mom if I could have Daddy's shirts.  Christmas of 2007 I made all the grand-kids their Opa Bears.  They LOVED them!

Since then, I have updated the pattern and have made several Opa Bears for friends/family who want to have something special to pass down from a loved one.

If you would like to see pictures of the Opa Bears, please visit my blog at
http://things2dob4dying.wordpress.com/

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Fun Ways that Toys Can Help Children Get Ready for Kindergarten

Article by Jacob and Carol Maslow

Learning the ABCs and 123s is important but some of the most important skills that new kindergartners need are best learned through play. Children are naturally curious and eager to learn new things, so why not take advantage of playtime to help your child develop the skills that will give them a great head start in school?
Pattern Power
Being able to recognize and replicate patterns is useful for more than just creating pretty designs. Children will call on their skills in classifying objects, sorting them and recognizing patterns as they move on to reading and mathematics. You can help your child develop these skills by making pattern play a part of your everyday life.
One easy way to do this is to use wooden blocks to create patterns and ask your child “What comes next?”. From there, you can move on to having them create patterns for you to complete. Wooden blocks in various shapes can also be sorted by size and shape to help children gain experience in grouping objects by kind.
Special pattern block kits containing various shapes with design pattern cards that can be completed with the blocks are also a fun challenge for young children.
As a bonus, they also reinforce shape and color recognition as well as fine motor skills.
Be on the lookout for patterns in your everyday life, such as alternating tiles on a floor or decorative patterns on furniture and clothing. In no time, your child will delight in pointing out new patterns to you and incorporate them into their artwork.
Fine Motor Skills
Strong fine motor skills will help your child in kindergarten as they master writing and other tasks such as cutting with scissors and gluing. In addition, they will allow your child to be more independent in the classroom. Most kindergarten teachers expect that their students will be able to use the bathroom, put on their coats, hats and mittens and tie their own shoes and may not have the time to help your child each and every time.
Arts and crafts are one of the best ways to help your child develop these skills. While creativity should be encouraged, you can also challenge your child to refine their fine motor skills by showing them how to color in the lines, trace and connect the dots. Help your child learn to use scissors by giving them frequent, supervised opportunities to cut out objects and paste them on paper. Experiment with other mediums such as finger paints, painting with brushes and modeling clay.
Stringing beads is another fun and effective way to strengthen fine motor skills and can also be combined with pattern, shape and color recognition. Wooden puzzles, lacing cards and small blocks are also good choices for developing fine motor skills and hand eye coordination.
Make getting dressed in the morning a game with songs, races and lots of encouragement. While it’s a bit more trouble for you, choose shoes with laces so that your child has an opportunity to learn to tie them. A basic skills board or doll with buttons, snaps, zippers and laces is another fun way to help your child practice these skills.
Social Skills
Children who can sit still for a reasonable amount of time, take turns, share and follow directions have a much easier time in kindergarten. Playtime is an ideal time to reinforce these social skills with your preschooler so that they are able to meet classroom expectations when the time comes.
Reading to your child is one of the best ways to help build their attention span and help them learn to focus on what is being said to them. Mix it up with a combination of traditional books, storytelling and books on cd or MP3 (these are great for in the car or when you need to have your child occupied so that you can cook or shower).
Playing board games is also a good way to model and encourage good social skills. Look for games that are easy enough for a pre-reader to understand and play but that are challenging enough so that your child will still get experience in how to deal gracefully with frustration. Pretend play, especially playing school, is a great way for you to model expectations with your child and allow them to experiment safely with testing the boundaries. This kind of playing is also a good way for children to relieve their anxieties about school in a supportive environment.
Classic playground games like Follow-the-Leader, Simon Says and Mother May I? also help children learn to follow instructions and control their impulses. You can and should incorporate responsibility into your playtime by requiring your child to tidy up and make transitions with a minimum of fuss and reminders.
Love and Support
Perhaps most importantly, playing with your child is one of the best ways to show them that they have your love and support. Children who feel loved and secure are better equipped to meet new challenges and deal with the ups and downs that a day at kindergarten brings.
Co-authors Jacob and Carol Maslow enjoy sharing their experience and expertise on children, toys and the importance of play. In addition to raising five young children, Carol works as a therapist specializing in helping developmentally delayed preschoolers integrate with their classmates. Jacob works at Today's Concept, where parents can find classic toys, including the highly regarded Melissa and Doug brand.